March 7th, 2014 | MATTHEW KORFHAGE News | Posted In: Sports

Deadspin Hates You, Portland Timbers Fans (and Sounders Fans)

Asks MLS to make a better Chevrolet, just like Honda did.

lede_timbers_3949As always, Timbers fans will be hoping for a lot of log slices from this guy. - IMAGE: David Blair

Ah, springtime ascendant. Is it mere coincidence that the PSU Farmer's Market and Portland Timbers season kickoffs are on consecutive Saturdays, starting with the Timbers' opening match against the Philadelphia Union on March 8? Both offer the same exhortation: Buy local, buy fresh. Import neither your soccer matches nor your freezer-truck tomato.

Well, Deadspin's peeing on your parade a bit. After passing reference to Timber Joey "gassing up his chainsaw," soccer correspondent Billy Haisley asks MLS fans not to bother. 

MLS is still a second-tier product, full of dull play and even less compelling players, with a top-down league ownership structure that neuters real competition and an obnoxious, proselytizing hardcore fanbase. All of this makes the idea of following the league just as offensive as it's always been.
Specifically, he calls the style of play "workmanlike and antithetical to the sport's appeal, the promise of witnessing a moment or two of individual brilliance imposing order on the chaos of the pitch... like watching a build-off between two carpenters who specialize in picnic tables. Sure, one of them is going to win, but who wants to watch it happen?"

But the heat of his ire is reserved for you, the fans:
It's the diehard true believer, enacting his worst Europhiliac impulses by aping the behavior of European fútbol fans as if it were something other than the product of a specific cultural history. The league panders to this cosplay with its ridiculous, at times downright un-American names. (I mean, Real Salt Lake? Didn't we toss a few crates of tea in the Boston Harbor as an explicit "Fuck you!" to fucking royalty?) How is it more "authentic" and more "fútbol" to call a team Football Club Dallas when the league itself is called Major League Soccer? 
In other words: "This [sports league], which had been the tomb of his virtue and of his honour, is but a walking shadow; a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more: it is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing."

See you there, everybody!
 
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