Okay, every damn year around this time, the Willamette Week office gets flooded with sex books.
Manuals, erotica collections, romance novels, memoirs. If it's made of words and involves sticking penises and vaginas (or other things) into other
penises and vaginas (or other things), someone has slipped it into a packing envelope and sent it to us.
We're too tired to read the entirety of every sex book. So, Assistant Arts Editor Ben Waterhouse and I divided up a pile of the this year's most promising contenders, opened each one up and chose a quote at random.
Here we go:
Best Sex Writing 2009, edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel:
"In the end, after all we went through, the most enduring lesson I learned from Molly is that whether or not my parts work on a given try, sex is always the most stressful thinking in the history of the universe." —taken from, uh, "Sex is the Most Stressful Thing in the Universe" by Dan Vebber
I Heart Geeks: The Official Handbook by Carrie Tucker
"Interrupt an activity and get ready to have a cranky, downright angry geek on your hands—never ask him to turn off a video game, get off the computer, put down a book/comic, or take off a costume."
Best Gay Erotica 2009, edited by Richard Labonte
Deep in wells dug in rocks
Persians cut off their cocks
And their balls to become temple whores.
—From "Mass Ass" by Robert Patrick
The Big Book of Relationship Quizzes by Robin Westen
"Mexican: You're a fiery adventurer."
Live Nude Girl: My Life As An Object by Kathleen Rooney
"Sneaky and silent, I zipped across the Craigslist landscape while my manager wasn't looking, my eyes peeled for the words "nude female model wanted."
Best Gay Romance 2009, edited by Richard Labonte
"There is a dying dog the size of a small horse in my kitchen." —from "What We Leave Behind" by Shanna Germain (A Portlander! Nice!)
[Ooops, Ben also had a copy of BGR 09
, here's his random sentence]
"When he let me up for air, I replied, 'How about I dock my mouth on your ass?'" —from "Finders Keepers" by Rob Rosen (not a Portlander)
Dumped! Fun and Games Activity Book by Josh Lewis
Fill in the blanks:
"I felt so _____ for so long, but then in time I came to realize that relationship totally ______."
The Best Places to Kiss in the Northwest: A Romantic Travel Guide by Teri Citterman
"These sparse but clean cabins serve as a reminder that many guests come here more to fish than to kiss."
Best Lesbian Erotica 09, edited by Tristan Taormino
"I filled her with my cock, quick and deep, the whole thing in one plunge." —from "Bandanna Kiss" by Moxzi Lantana
The Purity Test by Joselin Linder
"Have you ever kissed a teacher in a sexual way?"
Best Women's Erotica 09, edited by Violet Blue
"The Bitch in His Head does not let Dimitri masturbate himself to orgasm." —from "The Bitch in his Head" by Janne Lewis
So...was it good for you?