June 27th, 2008 5:33 pm | by COREY PEIN News | Posted In: CLEAN UP, CLEAN UP, Environment, CLEAN UP

98° ? 9/11: Mission Creep Strikes Portland Emergency Bureau

Picture_1-177See something wrong with this picture (beach, beer, tropical version of Haystack Rock)?
No, nothing?
Well, here's what's wrong with it:
Oh, the things we learn from press releases...
According to this year's city of Portland budget,
The mission of the Portland Office of Emergency Management (POEM) is to effectively lead the emergency preparedness, risk reduction, and response and recovery efforts of the City of Portland in order to protect lives and property in the event of a natural or human-caused disaster.

So, can we take it that this is a looming "disaster"?
(And if so, is it natural or human-caused?)
Before the age of Homeland Security (which provides most of POEM's $8.7 million budget), three days of sunshine might've been considered a nice weekend.
As part of our continuing coverage of Portland's nanny state, we're passing along some hot-weather tips provided by Portland's $73,000-a-year Community Emergency Services Manager:
With temperatures expected to dramatically rise (as much as 30 degrees) over the next two to three days, with Saturday being the warmest, the Portland Office of Emergency Management encourages you to be aware of and to take the following precautions, as necessary.
Guidelines for hot weather:
Stay indoors as much as possible and limit exposure to the sun.
• Stay on the lowest floor out of the sunshine if air conditioning is not available.

Fuck global warming—keep that A/C cranked!
• Consider spending the warmest part of the day in public buildings such as libraries, schools, movie theaters, shopping malls, and other community facilities. Circulating air can cool the body by increasing the perspiration rate of evaporation.

Movies contain violence. Books contain dangerous ideas. Therefore, shopping is the safest thing you can do. Where have we heard that before?
• Eat well-balanced, light, and regular meals.
• Drink plenty of water.

And get lots of exercise. Right? But wait—it's too hot. Er...got it! Buy a gym membership!
Persons who have epilepsy or heart, kidney, or liver disease; are on fluid-restricted diets; or have a problem with fluid retention should consult a doctor before increasing liquid intake.

Persons on fluid-restricted diets may already know this.
• Limit intake of alcoholic beverages.

See illustrated warning, above.
• Protect face and head by wearing a wide-brimmed hat.

In case of sunburn:
Take a shower

(you need one anyway)
using soap

(for a change)
to remove oils that may block pores, preventing the body from cooling naturally.

Don't forget to scrub behind the ears!
Finally, folks, don't get heat stroke. Symptoms:
High body temperature (105+); hot, red, dry skin; rapid, weak pulse; and rapid shallow breathing. Victim will probably not sweat unless victim was sweating from recent strenuous activity. Possible unconsciousness.
Call 9-1-1 or emergency medical services, or get the victim to a hospital immediately. Delay can be fatal.

Stay safe out there!
Or better yet, stay inside until winter.
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