is 2014’s first contribution to the catalog of sexed-up tweenie love dramas, and in all its idealistic idiocracy and over-the-top affirmations of “soulmates,” it best serves as a reminder that Hollywood has completely lost its grip on what a normal relationship actually looks like. Shana Feste’s remake of the 1981 Brooke Shields flop—which is itself based on Scott Spencer’s well-received novel of the same name—centers on the ill-fated romance of nerdy “outcast” Jade Butterfield (Gabriella Wilde) and rough-around-the-edges David Axelrod (Alex Pettyfer). A flurry of blandly predictable scenes (slow-motion jogs through grassy fields, dramatic reunions in an airport, consummations of love by a roaring fireplace) chase down romance so doggedly that they run it straight out of the film. They got the “endless” part right in the title, but “love” is too grossly misunderstood to resonate with anyone other than the teenage target audience (a script that was appropriately co-written by Joshua Safran, of Gossip Girl
fame). Bruce Greenwood offers the most compelling performance as Hugh Butterfield, Jade’s rigid father who channels his grief over a dead son into maintaining an iron grip on the rest of his family. His unnaturally orange skin tone, moreover, strengthened my hypothesis—already shored up by Mitt Romney and the cast of Jersey Shore
—that there is nothing more sinister than a man on a power trip with a bad spray tan.