And the Winner Is...

Welcome to WW's first-ever A Cut Above poll.

The aim? To find the top 10 new bands to make a splash on the local scene in the last year. We contacted 100 local music know-it-alls and asked them to name their top five new local acts. Forty returned their ballots. We tallied the votes and came out with the top 10 bands (check them out). Topping the list by an impressive margin is the smart, nerdy experimental pop trio Menomena. Their award? A chance to collaborate on a more creative article to show you, the reader, just what kind of band they are. The result, printed below, is a ripped-from-the-headlines account of an imaginary awards ceremony, filled with pride, jealousy, destruction and pure horror.

Portland, meet your best new band.

Menomena wins award, destroys local scene

Telekinetic drummer unleashes retribution after ego is bruised.

menomena

Investigators have discovered evidence that sheds new light on the cause of the March 2004 fire at an oil-recycling plant in Southeast Portland. Amid the ashes and charred rubble, investigators discovered a half-melted digital camcorder. They have released the footage that survived the blaze to this newspaper.

From the recovered video, it appears the warehouse was the scene of a rock-'n'-roll awards ceremony hosted by Willamette Week. With various hipsters, musicians and other scene detritus in attendance, pop trio Menomena received the A Cut Above award after being voted the best new band in Portland. Spirits were high as the band took the stage, but soon afterward victory turned to tragedy.

The following is a transcript of the evening's last few moments, the scraps of tape apparently the only known record of what may have occurred that night:

A fuzzy picture emerges from a screen of static. Presiding over a sea of mesh baseball caps, WW music editor Mark Baumgarten stands on stage, presenting the award.

Baumgarten: ...and after tabulating votes from 40 of the most knowledgeable people in Portland's music industry, we have a winner of the first-ever A Cut Above award. And the winner is: Menomena!

[People in the crowd stand and fold their arms. Some applaud. Members of Menomena walk on stage and receive their award.]

Baumgarten: Congratulations. How does it feel to be named Portland's best new band?

Brent Knopf: (piano/guitars/vocals) We don't know quite what to say, except thank you.

Justin Harris: (bass/saxophone/vocals) People in Portland have been so kind to us.

Danny Seim (drums/vocals): We feel very grateful for the support we've been given.

Baumgarten: Your debut album, I Am the Fun Blame Monster, was warmly received when it was released last year. Many people say they are drawn to the tension found in your songs. What would you say inspires that?

Justin: You're speaking of sexual tension, I assume?

Brent: Justin, now is not the time for one of your crude innuendos. Our parents are here. Hi, Mom.

Danny: Stop being such a control freak, Brent.

Brent: God forbid I momentarily interfere with your artistry--here, let me draw air quote marks around that word--in an attempt to infuse this band with a little professionalism.

Danny: You're just jealous that my solo project, Lackthereof, is taking off. Menomena is old news, Brent. Lackthereof is the future of music.

Brent: The review in Music Liberation Project gave it only three stars.

Danny: You're lying.

[Brent pulls out the local music mag and hands it to Danny.]

Brent: Look. See for yourself.

Danny: What? Three stars? They gave my record only three stars?

[The audience laughs.]

Danny: This can't be happening! Three measly stars?

[Danny rips the newspaper into shreds.]

Brent: Danny, let's get off the stage. This is embarrassing.

Danny: Don't tell me what to do, you controlling bitch!

[Brent is flung violently off the stage by some invisible force.]

Justin: Danny, calm down.

[Justin bursts into flames. Suddenly, there is the sound of slamming doors. The audience begins to panic. The flames have spread. As pandemonium ensues, Danny stands, motionless, unblinking, witnessing the horror. The picture becomes fuzzier. The screen goes black.]

A wall of fire quickly engulfed the building, burni'ng so intensely that firefighters dared not enter, and instead turned to preventing the blaze from spreading to neighboring structures.

Portland Fire Chief Ed Wilson initially attributed the severity of the blaze to what was widely believed to be the warehouse's contents--oil slated for recycling. "What we hadn't considered," Wilson said, "was that when you mix PBR with an air of superiority, you have the most combustible compound known to man."

Authorities have yet to announce the names of the injured, but say it is safe to assume that the Shanghai Tunnel and the Sandy Hut will be eerily vacant for the next few weeks.

Politicians and pundits have been quick to denounce the tragedy. During his KXL radio talk show, Lars Larson criticized Portland's rock-'n'-roll culture for its self-destructive nature. Lon Mabon, an anti-gay-rights activist, also fumed about the flaming, blaming the blaze on "the erosion of morality among today's gender-confused youth."

In a statement from Washington, D.C., U.S. Attorney General John Ashcroft threatened to place all rock musicians under FBI surveillance and described the Menomena fire as symptomatic of a broader pattern. "Whether it be David Koresh's guitar playing, Great White's pyrotechnics or Menomena's ass-shakin' beats," Ashcroft said, "whenever there is devil's music, the brimstone and hellfire surely cannot be far behind."

Catch Menomena, fresh from the ashes, at the Candidates Gone Wild debate Monday, April 19, at Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 233-1994. 7 pm. $2. All ages.