Smoke Out
Drink Guide 2009: All listings
21st Avenue Bar & Grill
If the name doesn’t make it obvious enough, the 21st Avenue Bar & Grill doesn’t expend a lot of energy trying to stand out among the other establishments in the Alphabet District. Somehow, though, its utterly nondescript design—bar on one side, lounge on the other, patio outside, no extras but a TV and video lottery machines inside—actually works in its favor, as it is a comfortable spot to grab a drink and a burger without having to fight for elbow room in an otherwise busy neighborhood.
What to drink: Keep it simple like the surroundings with a a vodka and soda, $4.
Happy hour: $2 well drinks 3-6 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: TV, koi pond.
Aalto Lounge
In a neighborhood surrounded by dirty dives and douche palaces that might make you actually utter the word “bromance” under your breath, the Aalto Lounge is a haven of slight sophistication. The thing about the Aalto is its versatility—whether going on a first date or grabbing a quick drink before a show, the atmosphere is relaxed and quiet enough to actually have a conversation. It’s also a great summer locale, with stiff gin and tonics for just $3 during happy hour and some of the tastiest bar food (Chex mix for $2!) in Southeast. (MM)
What to drink: Gin and tonic, Maker’s on the rocks.
Happy hour: 5-7 pm every day, $1 off wells and drafts, $1-$3 food menu.
Entertainment: Covered smoking patio, jukebox.
Acropolis
Ever find yourself, as you gnaw your way through a $37 sirloin at El Gaucho, thinking, “This would be so much better with a naked woman gyrating on my table”? Few things go together better than strippers and steak; Acropolis figured this out years ago, and became a Portland landmark as a result. The bar is affiliated with a cattle ranch, allowing management to keep the prices low ($5 for an 8-ounce sirloin) and the quality high. It’s not just the beef and the boobs that make the joint so iconic; there are also 51 brews on tap. (MS)
What to drink: A generous shot of Bulleit Bourbon, $7.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Strippers, TV.
Alleyway Cafe
Coming off a recent remodel, this Alberta Street bar is all about the fair-weather days: half of its space is dedicated to patio seating. Compared with some of the more outlandish bars on Alberta, the Alleyway is spartan. The interior is designed to fit the maximum number of people, get them drunk and send them out to the patio. The mandatory art-covered walls aren’t enough to keep your eyes off the towering bar, and the stiff drinks, surprisingly good food and specials will keep people from caring about where they sit.
What to drink: PBR, $2.50.
Happy hour: $3-5 food, $2.75 well drinks, $3 microbrews 3-6 pm and 10 pm-midnight daily.
Entertainment: Pinball, dog- and cat-friendly patio.
Amnesia Brewing Company
They made paradise out of a parking lot. Then they grilled some sausages. The craft beermongers at Amnesia don’t overly trouble themselves with atmosphere: A tent covering a concrete slab on Mississippi Avenue is plenty of ambience for a year-round tailgate party, heavy on the bratwurst. It’s $6 for a spicy brat piled with sauerkraut or, if you’re feeling ambitious, $12 for a platter with two German wieners, cheese and bread. All of which, combined with summer-afternoon sunshine, is ideal motivation for ordering another Dusty Trail Pale Ale. (AM)
What to drink: A Desolation IPA, with 6.2 percent alcohol content. What was the question?
Happy hour: $2.75 pints, $10 pitchers 4-6 pm Wednesday-Friday, all night Monday-Tuesday.
Entertainment: Puppies.
Ararat
Weekdays a friendly Armenian family-owned neighborhood bar attached to an enticing bakery and deli, this way-out Southeast joint earns its reputation as the craziest Eastern Bloc-accented night out in town strictly for its Friday and Saturday nights. Twice a week closing time is extended a mere eight hours, and the tables and faintly off-putting restaurant roller chairs are set aside to free up the floor for fellas like DJ Boris to deafen the eardrums of a rowdy, largely Eastern European crowd. You’d be hard-pressed to find a more genuine “ethnic” nightlife experience in Portland.
What to drink: A potent 24-ounce big guy of Baltika porter, $6.
Happy hour: $3 well drinks and $3-$5 menu 3-6 pm daily.
Entertainment: Belly dancers every Friday, DJs, TVs, Wi-Fi.
Ash Street Saloon
Though no longer appropriately nicknamed “The Ash Tray” (that honor goes to the butt-strewn sidewalk outside), Ash Street Saloon remains a pinnacle fixture of the Portland music scene. Unabashedly divey, and consequently as welcoming as a broken-in pair of jeans, Ash Street plays host to up-and-coming and out-of-town bands on a nightly basis, cranking the volume to 11 whether there’s a standing-room-only crowd slurping PBR or a couple of wayward fans sipping stiff whiskey-Cokes. It’s a musical common ground for anyone looking for cheap booze, good music, and a low cover charge.
What to drink: Who are you kidding? You’re drinking Pabst, especially during happy hour, when it’s a buck.
Happy hour: Food specials, $1 Pabst, $2.50 well drinks and microbrews 4-8 pm daily.
Entertainment: Pinball, darts, live music, arcade games, pool, jukebox.
B-Side Tavern
B-Side is a no-frills hole in the wall (an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting hall in its last incarnation) where you can drink away your sorrows for cheap. Paint flakes fall from the ceiling, celebrity gossip magazines line the walls, classic punk jams pump through the speakers, and the drinks are poured stiff. Owner Tanya says of her bar, “Nothing is expensive, but nothing is too shitty, and a well whiskey shot ain’t no grain liquor.” Indeed, it’s Canadian R&R ($3). The menu bids us, “Eat up, drunky,” and offers only what can be prepared with a freezer and a microwave. Nothing will cost you more that five bucks.
What to drink: Tecate in the can, $2.
Happy hour: $1 Tecate and Hamm’s during “Crappy Hour” 5-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Jukebox, pinball.
Back Stage Bar
One of the most striking bars we’ve ever visited, the Back Stage occupies the capacious seven-story space behind the Bagdad Theater’s very tall stage. Red and yellow lights twinkle above the catwalk, some 75 feet overhead. The heavy wood bar stands like an anchor to those dreamy heights. Huge tapestries hang on the walls, one of the Taj Mahal, the other a canvas of movie stars. There are two smaller rooms where stage props used to be stored, reached by climbing winding flights of metal stairs. Pool and snooker tables fill the spaces in between. The beer and food are the same as at every other McMenamins bar, but you can’t argue with the brothers’ amazing ability to reimagine old spaces—and this is one of their most charming.
What to drink: A pitcher of Workingman’s Red, $8.
Happy hour: 75 cents off draft pints 4-5 pm daily.
Entertainment: TV, pinball, pool, snooker.
Bailey's Taproom
What it lacks in atmosphere (white walls, bright lights and sparse decoration give off the vibe of an operating room) Bailey’s Taproom makes up in suds. Tw http://www.mrbalihai.com/goof/images3/SH_Cover.jpg enty rotating West Coast taps pour everything from Portland’s Hair of the Dog to Berkeley’s Trumer Pils, while a selection of nearly 50 bottles from across the U.S. dominates the joint’s fridges. It’s a great spot for beer lovers who prefer the atmosphere of a quiet wine bar over the Horse Brass’ dart-chucking rowdies—a beer bar for brew sippers rather than slammers.
What to drink: A sample tray of five 5-ounce glasses of your choice, $7.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Board games.
Bar of the Gods
I do enjoy a good double entendre, and Bar of the Gods, always abbreviated B.O.G., is an accurate name in both of its meanings. You can certainly get mired down in this pantheon of booze, as the drinks are strong and cheap. The bar is dark and inviting, with strings of grape lights overhead, doing little to illuminate the grime left over from the smoking days. The bartenders are surly but sweet; the music is as loud as the crowd. It’s everything you want a dive to be, complete with a heated and covered smoking area out back, and hypnotizing lights that make it look like fireflies are on the walls, and I wasn’t even drunk yet! Also, the chili mac is a gut-filling concoction that will keep you drinking all night long.
What to drink: Gangsta-aid, $6: Emergen-C; vodka; pineapple, orange and cranberry juice; muddled lemon and lime = ambrosia.
Happy hour: $1.50 Pabst pints, $2.50 well drinks 4-8 pm daily.
Entertainment: TV, pool, pinball, Big Buck Hunter, drunken reverie.
Basement Pub
So, yeah: The Basement Pub isn’t actually in a basement. Bummer. But after spending a few hours drinking here, you’ll think you’re in a dark, damp underground spot in Southeast, only with pinball and some of the nicest bartenders in town serving microbrews and sorta healthy late-night munchies. What is this alternate universe?!? How did this fish tank get in here? Is that the Exploding Hearts on the jukebox? Bring on another round and some of those great beans and rice, kind sir. I’m here all night.
What to drink: 20-ounce glass of your favorite microbrew.
Happy hour: 3-8 pm everyday, $1.75 imperial pints and $3.50 microbrews.
Entertainment: Pinball, jukebox, board games, Ms. Pacman!
Belmont Station Biercafe
This misleadingly named establishment, which moved four blocks north from its original home on Southeast Belmont Street two years ago, is deservedly famous for its stock of 1,000-odd beers, plus sundry wines, ciders and meads. But the Station, which is owned in part by legendary Horse Brass publican Don Younger, doesn’t get nearly enough credit for its attached bar. It’s a cheerful, narrow space dominated by the long wooden bar and dozen rotating, mostly local taps. Drink a cold pint or crack open a bottle from next door for a small markup.
What to drink: Avery Maharaja IPA, $4.25.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: That massive bottle list.
Berbati's Pan
Clogging the right ventricle of the heart of Old Town’s bar nexus, Berbati’s is best known for its music venue wing, the Pan. But don’t stay away when there isn’t a show. Although this all-purpose hangout bustles Friday and Saturday nights with club-bound weekend warriors, the Greek-family-owned, long-running cornerstone of Portland nightlife is an equally fitting place to catch a projection-screened midweek ballgame or grab a quiet beer and cheap gyro around the tastefully lit, art-adorned bar.
What to drink: A neat digestif of ouzo, $5, to wash down that tasty lamb gyro.
Happy hour: $3 well drinks and microbrews 4-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: TV, pool, pinball, jukebox, First Thursday art.
Beulahland
Don your flannel, trim that beard and cue up the Shins on your iPod—the crowd at Beulahland is so homogenous you’ll stick out if any of these elements are missing. That said, the food and drinks at this 28th Avenue standby are verifiably fantastic, with bacon-wrapped meatloaf coupled with macaroni and cheese topping the list ($8.50). The staff are sometimes indifferent, but with a giant blow-up Rainier bottle, matador-themed felt art and religious paintings on the walls, you’ll be too ironically detached to give a shit.
What to drink: Mount Hood Pale Ale, $4.
Happy hour: $3.25 microbrew pints, $3 well drinks and house wine 4-7 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: DJs, pinball, free Internet station, TV, art, jukebox.
Binks
In winter, this cozy—OK, tiny—Alberta Street bar packs in loyal patrons with a roaring fireplace. Come spring, tables and chairs sprout like crocuses on the sidewalk, and Binks’ glass-paned garage door slides open, shedding sunlight on the pool table. The bar is transformed into an ideal, airy spot to sip afternoon beers and gawk at passing weirdos. Binks’ clientele is a more down-to-earth mix than many Alberta bars, with a refreshing scarcity of junk-hugging skinny jeans and asymmetrical haircuts. Celebrate the Sabbath at Binks’ weekly Simpsons Sundays (7-8:30 pm), which pairs happy-hour pricing and Fox’s animated Sunday lineup. Amen.
What to drink: Pint of Ninkasi Believer Double Red, $4.
Happy hour: $1.75 PBR, $2.75 micros, $2.75 well drinks 4:30-6:30 pm Monday-Friday, 7-8:30 pm Sunday.
Entertainment: Pool, jukebox, fireplace.
Blue Monk
This cool blue room, originally a jazz bar with upscale pretensions, beckons with promises of good beer and free pool, especially on warm days when you haven’t yet had dinner. And why not? The succulent ahi carpaccio ($5 at happy hour, $10 otherwise) is one of the best happy-hour bargains we’ve seen yet, especially when accompanied by a sweet, chilly Blue Monk Rita (tequila, lime, blue Curaçao, $4.50-$7). Games lurk in the basement, but the more sociable of us prefer the sidewalk tables for eyeing hipsters across the street at Aalto Lounge.
What to drink: The Iced Monk: Frangelico, Bailey’s and coffee topped with whipped cream, $7.
Happy hour: $4.50 house cocktails, $2.50 well drinks, $1 off call drinks, $3 domestic drafts, $4.50 house wine, $5 small plates 5-7 pm daily upstairs, 5-8 pm downstairs.
Entertainment: Pool, darts, live music, DJs, open-mic poetry on Wednesdays.
Bonfire Lounge
Half dive bar, half art bar, the Bonfire mashes both genres into an unassuming, low-lit watering hole. The tables outside fill with sunbathers by day and smokers by night, and both the art on the walls and the beer on tap rotate regularly. Food prices are good all the time—a cheeseburger with fries and a side of housemade creamy tarragon sauce will run you only $6. If the free pool tables don’t get you excited about some cheap entertainment, take a step back in time with original Pac-Man and Donkey Kong arcade games for a quarter apiece.
What to drink: A shot of John Powers Whiskey with an Oly back, $4.50.
Happy hour: $3.50 food menu, $2.50-$3 microbrew pints, $1 off well drinks 2-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Jukebox, pool, pinball, arcade games.
Bye and Bye
Five months after Oregon implemented its smoking ban and Portland’s bars are all starting to look the same. Meaning they’re all trying to look like the Bye and Bye: large tables, hanging lamps, bike parking on the patio. Not that this is any fault of the Bye and Bye, which is having as much fun as a vegan bar can, serving a chili pie with nutritional yeast and playing cuts from an actual jukebox with actual CDs. Warning: This is a known hangout for Alberta Street’s notorious cardigan gangs.
What to drink: The North Williams, a Rebel Yell bourbon with housemade ginger ale, $9.
Happy hour: $2-$3 drafts, $3 well drinks, $1 off entrees 4-7 pm nightly.
Entertainment: Jukebox, Wi-Fi.
Caldera Public House
“What’s that PODS container doing there?” I exclaimed in horror to my wife as we drove past Caldera a few months ago. Turns out the storage container was for a long-overdue upstairs expansion, a reading room-style addition that lends itself well to Caldera’s mission of helping customers tune out. The classy, well-worn dark wood bar (dragged here all the way from Montana) and folksy instrumentals piped softly through the main room are a fine tonic for a horrible week. The comfort-food menu helps as well, featuring typical pub standards, like a bacon cheeseburger ($8), and some welcome deviations like bourbon-soaked Brie ($11).
What to drink: Caldera’s taps rotate ($3.75 a pint), but they always seem to feature Terminal Gravity IPA.
Happy hour: $2.75 pints and well drinks; $4 40-ounce Pabst, cosmos and lemon drops; $8 pitchers 5-6 pm and 9 pm-close Tuesday-Sunday.
Entertainment: Birdwatching on the back porch.
Candlelight Cafe and Bar
Stepping into the Candlelight on a Sunday night is like entering a new world filled with fortysomething swingers, pingpong and slap bass. Yeah, you heard me correctly: Even though the joint offers free live jazz and funk music every night of the week, if you get there before 8:30 pm you can duke it out in a game of table tennis with one of the regulars for a cheap PBR. It’s like time stopped in 1984: The whole interior—from the TVs built into cubbies in the stucco walls to the hanging raindrop light fixtures—seems designed by a decorator who just watched Purple Rain for the first time. Even the pingpong balls are purple. As the funk band unloads a pair of five-string basses, we know it’s time to get down. A woman at the pingpong table drops her paddle and immediately hits the dance floor, asking for “When Doves Cry.” No surprise there.
What to drink: A pint of Lagunitas IPA, $4.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Live funk, jazz and blues, TV, pingpong, pool.
Casey's Nightclub & Lounge
During the week, Casey’s is about as laid-back a gay bar as you’d ever see, with gents kicking it with beers and cute bartenders. But on the weekend, anything goes, with the pulsing, now leather-free Eagle club in the basement and chiseled strippers letting it flop on Casey’s tables. With a well-stocked bar and ample opportunities for action, Casey’s is the place to let loose. (AK)
What to drink: Incendiary cocktails are great, so try one made with infused vodka, $6 and up.
Happy hour: $3.50 well drinks, $2.50 drafts 7 am-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Pool, darts, video games, pinball, strippers, karaoke Thursdays.
Cassidy's Restaurant
Strange and unsettling things happen outside Cassidy’s. Whether it’s nightly meanderings of nearby rehab residents, music fans still buzzing from shows at the Crystal Ballroom, drunken fistfights or even a high-school prom, the dining room is a front-row seat for an after-hours street show. Inside, amid indie-pop and table candles, the weirdest phenomenon is an uncommonly good happy-hour menu, including barbecued octopus and a creamy, baked mac ’n’ cheese with peas and mushrooms. If it all gets to be too much for you, call a cab from the bar’s wooden phone booth.
What to drink: A glass of Yamhill Valley pinot, $8.
Happy hour: 4-6 pm and 10 pm-2 am, $5.75 menu items.
Entertainment: Wi-Fi.
Cheerful Bullpen
Located just across the MAX tracks from PGE Park, the Bullpen has long been a haven where pint-guzzling Timbers fans could congregate before heading to the game. Now, after a change in ownership and a makeover courtesy of the Cheerful Tortoise, the Bullpen is equipped with 10 flat-screen TVs showing every second of the World Series and the current season of Survivor from multiple angles. Each booth across from the bar is outfitted with its own setup, ensuring that even a trip to the restroom won’t cause you to miss any action. “Could you see OK?” the bartender asked as I closed my tab, after I admitted I’d left my glasses at home. Before I could answer, the chorus of drunk Phillies fans interjected for me: “You can see everything here!” Even a blind man could see that one coming a mile away.
What to drink: One of the dozen microbrews on tap, $4.
Happy hour: $2.75 pints 3-6 pm nightly.
Entertainment: TV, sports, pool, trivia Wednesdays, karaoke Saturdays, movie night Mondays.
Claudia's
The same quandary confronts all West Coast sports bars: When all the contests are concluded by 10—or 10:30 pm, if a Pac-10 game goes to overtime—how do they keep the beer-sodden spectators in their seats for the four remaining drinking hours? Claudia’s, the dowager of Portland sports pubs, has devised a resourceful solution: After the last out, the bar switches to karaoke, projecting lyrics onto its largest screen. It’s an ingenious idea, not least because it allows crestfallen fans the chance to constructively vent. If the invention hasn’t quite caught on yet (the room still empties by 11), Claudia’s needn’t worry: It continues to pack ’em in with high-def TVs, cheap pints and—its claim to fame—high-backed green captain’s chairs lining the bar. “Everybody can be a queen at Claudia’s,” a weekend patron remarked. And yes, the vinyl thrones were the perfect vantage point from which to watch the decline and fall of the Blazers’ season.
What to drink: Budweiser, $3, or, if you’re feeling fancy, Hopworks IPA, $4.
Happy hour: Rotating discounts 4-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: TV, sports, pool, karaoke, Wi-Fi, Golden Tee Golf.
Clinton Street Pub
The Formica-topped wraparound bar at this formerly smoky watering hole has been worn from blue to off-white by decades of pint-supporting elbows. The Saturday-night clientele has evolved over the years from elderly alcoholics to younger, mostly Reed-educated alcoholics, but the Pub is as fine a place as ever to drink over a crossword. The house faux blue-collar brand is Olympia (which tastes just like all the other beers marketed by Pabst, but at least has a local history), but the other taps are all excellent Northwest craft brews. Beer signs from eras past, from outdated to vintage right on through antique, adorn the bar, which boasts some of the most comfortable stools around.
What to drink: Laurelwood Free Range Red, $4.
Happy hour: $1.50 tallboys, $2.50 well drinks, 50 cents off draft pints 4-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: TV, pool, pinball, Ms. Pac-Man.
Club Calabash
“People were asking me for fuzzy navels. I don’t know what that is! A rum and Coke, yes, I can do that,” says Tony Alabi. The owner of Calabash, Portland’s new “world beat headquarters,” is chatting about playing bartender. Alabi may not know cocktail recipes so well, but his expertise in African and Caribbean music should help balance things out. The bar, named for the large, meaty gourds grown in Alabi’s home country of Nigeria, is comfortable, clean and airy—half dining room and half dance space. Located along a main artery of downtown, Calabash at the moment is fairly quiet, save for Alabi’s amiable, Nigerian-accented voice. The partially completed Southern soul food dinner menu includes handmade hush puppies, biscuits, catfish and quail. Nights featuring resident reggae and dancehall DJs like Kal-El are in the works. (SM)
What to drink: Alabi whips me up a tequila- and grenadine-laced libation ($5), equal parts sweet and smooth. We name it “The Tony.”
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Live music, DJs, dancing.
County Cork
Named for Ireland’s southernmost county, this pub aspires more to quaint Celtic village camaraderie than hooligan rowdiness. With only beer and wine on offer and last call at midnight, County Cork draws a mellow, fleece-clad crowd of thirty- and fortysomethings, who at their wildest stomp along with the Irish musicians who set up in a corner of the bar, and perhaps slosh a little Guinness on the table. Well-executed Emerald Isle pub fare populates CC’s menu: hearty pasties filled with beef and root vegetables and the essential bangers and mash. A plate of pub grub, a pint of something opaque and a couple rounds of cricket on one of County Cork’s dartboards might just make for the perfect quiet weekend night.
What to drink: Anything on nitro.
Happy hour: $3.25 microbrews, $3.75 imports 4-6 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Darts, live music, Wi-Fi.
Crow Bar
Are you: a) A thirtysomething who favors indigo-wash jeans and black T-shirts? b) Sober enough to enjoy a hummus plate or a vegan rice bowl? c) Excited by the idea of margaritas on tap? If you answered yes to any of these questions, add Crow Bar to your itinerary. There’s one pool table filling up part of the narrow room, but so long as you’re not sitting anywhere near it, the high ceilings, low lighting and brick walls make for a decent date spot. (Plus, the vegan rice bowl is better than it sounds.)
What to drink: PBR (ironically, of course), $2.
Happy hour: $2.50 microbrews, $1.50 PBR 3-8 pm daily.
Entertainment: Occasional DJs, Wi-Fi, pool.
Crush
Crush, Southeast Portland’s de facto queer dance club, is the kind of place where everyone is welcome to join the party, regardless of whom one prefers to bone. The bar up front is classy without being pretentious—sure, the well drinks start at $5, but the juice is fresh and the pours are fair. The back area is all club, with a disco ball, swanky lounge furniture and DJs on the weekends. The kitchen offers a huge menu, including a popular weekend brunch. I heart Crush so much I want to write its name on my sneakers and pass it a note that says, “Do you like me? Yes or no (circle one).”
What to drink: Cucumber mojito, $7.50.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: DJs, dancing, darts, That’s So Gay trivia Tuesdays, Gaym Show bingo Wednesdays.
Dancin' Bare
Things you would expect at a Kenton titty bar across from the Paul Bunyan statue: A bombastic DJ yelling at workers in Blazers caps to tip their dancers. A stage-side table decorated with neon pink splatter paint. Lower-back tattoos. Things you would not expect: Ninkasi microbrew on tap. Pole dancing to Peter Bjorn and John. Eight-dollar pot roast with housemade jus. DJ playing Semisonic’s “Closing Time” at closing time. Things you will find at the Dancin’ Bare: All of the above. Plus a goofy drawing of a bear.
What to drink: $10 pitcher of Budweiser (hey, there’s no cover).
Happy hour: $2.50 domestics, $2.75 well drinks 9 pm-midnight nightly.
Entertainment: Strippers, TV, pool.
Dante's
Take pretty much everything you’d expect from a Portland bar. Bands both obscure and national. Tatted punkers intermingling with old codgers. Stiff drinks. And, on special nights, fire, chains, whips and nudity. Dante’s is among the most stereotypically Portlandian of the city’s bars, offering everything from the band Karaoke From Hell to the SINferno Cabaret’s fetishistic eroticism, live music nearly every night and even comedy. Despite its infernal decor, the bartenders are friendly and the vibe inclusive, making this the most comfy bar this side of the river Styx.
What to drink: A flammably strong rum and Coke to take the edge off the whip lashes, $4.50.
Happy hour: $1.50 pizza, $3.50 well drinks 4-8 pm nightly.
Entertainment: Live music, pool, TV, karaoke, DJs, burlesque, Wi-Fi.
Deschutes Brewpub
The 21-year-old Central Oregon brewery planted its bar stools in the Pearl District last year. The new pub has a chain feel—TVs tuned to ESPN, huge plate-glass windows letting in way too much light for a bar and carved wood decor trying a bit too hard to be authentic Oregon. Fortunately, the brewery’s 16 on-tap beers offer a wide selection of tasty classics and seasonal brews at $4.75 a pint. And the bar food is strong, whether it’s a heaping happy-hour plate of crisp french fries ($2.95) or a juicy 1/3-pound Brewery Burger ($9.50).
What to drink: If you can’t chose, try a tray of six 4-ounce samples for $6.50.
Happy hour: $3.50 draft pints 4-6 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: TV, sports.
Dots Cafe
The baroque gold-flocked wallpaper and sad-eyed velvet paintings, giant portraits of Elvis and Spock, chintzy ’60s-era pendant lamps, and surf- and indie-rock soundtrack—not a thing has changed at this famously murky bar, but you can see it all now that the omnipresent cloud of smoke is gone. No worries, you can still shorten your lifespan just as fast with a roll-yer-eyes-back-strong Greyhound ($3) and an order of oozy bacon cheese fries ($5.50) the size of a Hummer H2. Some things never change.
What to drink: Pitcher of Pabst, $7; spiked lime Rickey, $6.
Happy hour: $1.50 PBR, $3 microbrew pints, $5 nachos 4-6:30 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Jukebox, pool, velvet paintings, fat.
Driftwood Room
It’s like something out of a movie. This stylish, tiny boite has been oozing undercover glamour since 1954, decades before its current owner, the Hotel deLuxe, amped up the building’s Silver Screen glitz. A tight S-curve of wood paneling and soft banquettes, the Driftwood plays stage to every kind of assignation nightly, from awkward first daters comparing fave bands and out-of-towners reuniting with friends to that salt-and-pepper-haired shark waiting in the corner for his longtime mistresses—Manhattan ($14) in hand. The house cocktails are fizzy and fun (don’t miss the Elizabeth Taylor, $9, a purple flute of crème de violette and bubbly) while regulars rightfully swoon for the highbrow happy hour menu, which boasts everything from creamy mac ’n’ cheese ($3) to fried oysters (a pair for $4.50).
What to drink: Split a happy-hour bottle of wine ($18) or suck down a Richard Burton (Grand Marnier, bourbon and lemon with an absinthe rinse, $10).
Happy hour: Special food menu, champagne cocktails ($5-$6) and full bottle specials ($18) 3-6 pm and 9-11:30 pm Sunday-Thursday; 3-6 pm and 9-12:30 pm Friday-Saturday.
Entertainment: That lovely red-lipped dame that just walked in wearing 4-inch heels and a leather corset (true story).
EastBurn
After just over a year of operation, EastBurn has overcome opening jitters to become one of the hottest bars in town for the sort of Portlanders who prefer beer and Skee-Ball to Red Bull and tube tops. The reason for its success? Diversity and deals: Upstairs you can find live music, a publike atmosphere, swing chairs and a fire-lit patio. Downstairs the vibe is more clubby, with DJs, fish tanks and low-lit funkiness. But let’s not forget the most impressive part—$2 pint night on Tuesdays, with 16 beers on tap, and $3 whiskey on Wednesdays. And for your birthday? Take the EastBurn challenge and bring up to nine friends to drink for free for one hour. You’ll have to sign up a week in advance and in person.
What you are drinking: A 10-ounce glass of Arrogant Bastard Ale, $4.25.
Happy hour: $3 draft pints and well drinks, $5 house cocktails 4-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Skee-Ball, arcade games, pinball, live music, trivia Sundays, crayons.
Fox and Hounds
Scissor-wielding “Radioactive Barbie,” clad in a fetching pink dress and toxic-green wig, is politely accosting everyone in the bar and asking that all drinkers snip off a wad of his locks—to generate more grass for the Easter Bonnet contest backdrop. Not exactly standard activity for the English country pub evoked by its name, but otherwise Fox & Hounds is actually a fairly low-key gay joint that serves cheap ’n’ hearty Sunday brunch and retains a healthy Old Town charm. It’s more friendly dive diner than Silverado-esque meat market, but for the touch of drag and solitary female patron carrying on about strap-ons.
What to drink: A stiff, pint-size Bloody Mary, $6.
Happy hour: $2.25 well drinks, $2 select beers 4-8 pm daily.
Entertainment: TV, monthly bingo, pool.
George's Corner Sports Bar & Grill
With its covered patio packed with smokers and worn booths full of boozing regulars, the tropical diner-ish Florida Room is North Killingsworth’s dive-away-from-home. The well drinks are stiff and the friendly staff’s Sunday “Church of the Bloody Mary” brunch (11 am-4 pm), complete with biscuits and gravy, eight kinds of Marys and David Bowie on the speakers, is righteously packed. A full poolroom in back boasts Sopranos pinball and a photo booth ($3), but the real draw here is cheap pub grub (corndogs, tots, deep fried avocado) and can after can of $1 Old German.
What to drink: Ginger-infused bourbon and orange-spiced tea Cure All, $6; Old Germans.
Happy hour: Free pool, 50 cents off draft beers and well drinks, $2.75 food menu 3-7 pm daily. Happy-hour pricing anytime for service-industry workers—show OLCC card or food handler’s permit.
Entertainment: TV, pool, pinball, photo booth.
Gold Dust Meridian
If Rontoms (page 23) is in essence a loving tribute to a late-’60s basement, Gold Dust Meridian—a dim, noisy bar in a ranch-style former accountant’s office—is the living room with the built-in bar, starburst clocks, knobbly light fixtures and wood paneling. The leather-upholstered captain’s chairs and tall booths envelop the young, professional and very loud patrons. The walls are hung with local art, all of which, but for one painting of a topless gal in a fedora, is for sale. The food is good and fairly priced, and the bartenders are sharp; $3 will buy you a liberal plate of salted nuts and cured olives, and another $7 brings a very nice Rob Roy (called a Brandon Roy, here).
What to drink: A Sazerac, $7. If you’re really thirsty, try a 60-ounce “Scorpion Bowl,” $21-$24.
Happy hour: 50 cents off beer and well drinks, $1 off wine pours 2-8 pm daily.
Entertainment: Pool, jukebox, board games, Wi-Fi.
Goodfoot
The Goodfoot has a good reputation for a good reason—the 4,000-square-foot bar is split into a pubbish upstairs and a clubbish basement. Upstairs is a great place to start your night, with tons of space, good beers, pool tables and knock-’em-dead garlic fries ($4.50). Below things really heat up Wednesday through Saturday with live music and DJs. Friday is soul night, one of the best dance parties in town. But beware of the meat market—it can get scary down there. Check the website for music listings.
What to drink: Whiskey and Coke, $4.
Happy hour: $4 food menu and rotating drink specials 5-7 pm nightly.
Entertainment: Pool, pinball, DJs,
Goose Hollow Inn
There are few better places in town to while away the hours with a cold one on a warm summer evening while watching the MAX trains swoosh by than the outdoor patio of ex-Mayor Bud Clark's tavern. And a cozy booth inside, under the string of colored lights is a pretty damn good way to get warm with a beer on a cold winter night. The service isn't speedy, and the food is middling (a $15 pizza is a solid and filling bet), but between the bar's 13 draft offerings--from PBR ($2.50 for a 20-ounce) to Guinness ($4.75 for a 20-ounce)--and lore about Clark (the former mayor once told Tom Brokaw over beers that then-Commissioner Mildred Schwab "could only have an orgasm at budget time"), this place is a must-visit Portland landmark. (HS)
What to drink: a 20-ounce Henry Weinhard's, $3.
Entertainment: Live music, TV.
HENRY STERN. 1927 SW Jefferson St. 228-7010. goosehollowinn.com MapGreen Dragon
The cavernous pub, which earned tremendous popularity for its 18 rapidly rotating taps, meet-the-brewer nights and terrific patio, has changed very little since it was purchased by Rogue Ales in November. Prices have gone up slightly, the music has improved, the service is more attentive, and a case of dragon-themed merchandise has appeared, but the feared Pearlification has failed to occur. The bar still offers a bewildering variety of beers of all sorts for around $4 to $6 (only one tap has been appropriated by Rogue) with mediocre expensive food and a nice shuffleboard table.
What to drink: Mad River “Serious Madness” Black Ale, $4.75.
Happy hour: Cheap food 4-6 pm daily.
Entertainment: Shuffleboard, meet-the-brewer nights, live music.
Ground Kontrol
Sometimes when you’re drinking you don’t want to try to find a mate—you just want to get your game on. Ground Kontrol is basically a playground for adults, a make-believe world where you can get totally hammered on High Life tallboys ($1.50 at happy hour), play pinball until your fingers are sore, and dance to some of the best and weirdest DJs in town. It’s also the only bar where it’s legal to drink and drive—by racing home San Francisco Rush-style, of course, steering with one hand and downing your drink with the other. Why stay at home when you have an arcade that serves beer?
What to drink: High Life, so you have more money to spend on video games.
Happy hour: 5-7 pm every day, $1.50 PBR & Miller High Life tallboys, $2.50 microbrews.
Entertainment: Over 90 arcade games, the largest pinball room in the Northwest, DJs.
Hawthorne Hideaway
A deceptively large bar that cleanly splits the difference between nerds and jocks with crowded Monday night team trivia tournaments among the tall booths up front and three free pool tables in the spacious, red-walled back room. Either option is likely to lead to a long evening of drinking. Unlike many establishments frequented by young drunks, the Hideaway’s servers are both efficient and polite—newcomers, used to the sullen slow pour, sometimes mistake this calm professionalism for aloofness. It ain’t. Feel like regressing to your junior-college days? Jell-O shots are $1.50 apiece.
What to drink: Pitcher of Black Butte Porter, $10.50.
Happy hour: $2 well drinks, $3 microbrew pints 3-7 pm daily, plus nightly specials.
Entertainment: Pool, TV, DJs, trivia Mondays, Wi-Fi, bathroom graffiti.
Hobo's
Situated a few blocks down from gay clubs Darcelle XV and CC Slaughters and within sight of notorious meat markets Dixie Tavern and Pala, Hobo’s entertains an array of Portlanders, many of them looking to get laid. Although primarily a restaurant (and a good one at that), the bar at Hobo’s offers up some stagger-inducing drinks. Curious what a $20 shot of tequila tastes like? Chase it with a Pabst. It’s a relaxed and casual place to go before heading to the more hectic clubs nearby.
What to drink: That $20 tequila, maybe.
Happy hour: $1 off all drinks 4-6:30 pm daily.
Entertainment: Pool, live piano music.
Holocene
Looking for the coolest people in town? The trendsetters, the influentials, the outlandishly chic? You’ll find them hanging out at this unmarked warehouse, where weekend dance parties attract lines around the block and the high white walls are adorned with odd art installations. Whether the crowd is full of indie alt-rockers nodding gently to some soulful singer or giggling girls jangling their bangles for the Atlas world dance party, rest assured they probably dress better than you, order better drinks and listen to better music. No. There are no exceptions.
What to drink: Whiskey, bitters and ginger ale with lemon zest, $6.
Happy hour: $1 off all beer and wine, $2 off all liquor 5-8 pm Fridays.
Entertainment: Frequent live shows, DJs and art installations.
Hopworks Urban Brewery
Former Laurelwood brewer Christian Ettinger opened his barrel-ceilinged temple to organic beer, fashioned from the bones of a bulldozer showroom, on gritty Southeast Powell Boulevard last year. The crowds haven’t left since. The sustainably constructed space, decorated with bike frames and half-keg flower planters, is usually packed with chatty bands of young parents clinking steins of velvety Hopworks IPA ($4.50) and jiggling chubby babies on their laps. Then there’s the after-work nibblers and serious beard- and beer tee-sporting fellows admiring HUB’s big black chalkboard of wonders, which carefully notes the ABV (alcohol by volume), OG (original gravity) and IBU (international bitterness units) of each of the 10 organic brews on tap and a pair of cask ales on offer at the time. There’s seating for legions, with an upstairs loft full of tables for folks chowing on pizza and other pub standards. HUB doesn’t take reservations Friday through Sunday, so don’t ask. Just grab another beer and enjoy the wait.
What to drink: RIP City Style (Terry) Porter, $4.50 for a 16.5-ounce stein; 10 beer sampler, $7.50.
Happy hour: Cheap eats menu $1.75-$3.75, 75 cents off pints 3-6 pm daily, 9-11 pm Sunday-Thursday, 10 pm-midnight Friday-Saturday.
Entertainment: Patio, TV, pool, the most powerful restroom hand dryers in the universe.
Horse Brass Pub
When Portland bars went smoke-free on Jan. 1, 2009, we worried it would spell the end of Southeast Portland’s venerable Brit pub, the Horse Brass. Not because the 33-year-old bar—incubator of Portland’s craft-brewing explosion—wouldn’t retain its loyal patrons, but because we assumed its billowing, milkshake-thick clouds of cigarette smoke were load-bearing, structural elements of the building, without which the sprawling pub would collapse. Thankfully, the Horse Brass and its epic tap list still stand. Even in beer-obsessed Portland, the bar’s brew roster is impressive: 50-plus constantly rotating drafts, including Rogue’s Younger’s Special Bitter, commissioned by HB owner and publican supreme Don Younger in honor of his brother William. This is a great place to experiment with a pint of something new. Just pluck a dart from one of the pub’s boards, launch it at the tap list and don’t ask questions.
What to drink: A pint of something hoppy you’ve never heard of before.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Darts, TV.
HS Pub
With more people working in the back kitchen than patrons in the front room, this pub would be the perfect hideout for the Barksdale crew. Before I can ask any questions, a middle-aged woman (who happens to be our doting and delightful bartender) greets us with the house manifesto. It turns out HS offers both free pool and a free jukebox, which I quickly discover is filled mostly with hand-scrawled mix CDs of R&B jams. I’m finally able to accomplish my lifelong goal of playing Salt-N-Pepa, En Vogue and TLC—the holy trinity of ’90s female sass—back to back to back. The small bar is set to the left of the room, flanked by a few booths and tables that wouldn’t look out of place at a hospital cafeteria. As I’m leaving, I thank our hostess for the hospitality and the free shrimp before she tells me that next time I just have to try the Chinese food. “It’s got no scrubs!” she jokes. Of course it doesn’t.
What to drink: $1 pints of Miller High Life.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Jukebox, pool.
Hungry Tiger Too
“You can be LL Cool J,” says Josh, the genial bartender, as he passes me an LL-illustrated ace of hearts playing card after I give him my food order. This guy once made a Nerd Rope-infused birthday cocktail for an acquaintance. A sign on the wall reads, “Hangovers installed and serviced,” and we believe it: Beyond the intimidating punchbowl drinks, 12 beers are offered on tap to wash down the ridiculously hearty four-egg Tiger Scramble (ham, bacon, sausage, peppers and onion for $8). The menu is heavy on the vegetarian and vegan options, but should appeal to omnivores as well.
What to drink: Ninkasi Total Domination IPA, $3.50, or one of several $10 punchbowl “all-day sippers.”
Happy hour: $1 domestics, $2.40 micros, $1 off cocktails and $2-$4 menu 4-7 pm daily. Happy hour prices all day Sunday for women, Monday for men.
Entertainment: Pinball, foosball, photo booth, DJs, comedy.
Jimmy Mak's
If every successful club has a niche, Jimmy Mak’s has two: great jazz and strikingly gorgeous bartenders. Both seem to set well with the white-haired boomers and pre-boomers that make up the swank downtown club’s core demographic, as do the young musicians who come in search of inspiration or delicious falafel ($8). Despite its tennis-court size, Jimmy Mak’s retains most of the atmosphere of previous location. It’s still the house that Mel Brown built—the legendary Portland drummer plays Tuesday through Thursday.
What to drink: Whiskey, neat, no chaser.
Happy hour: $5 food menu 5-7 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Live music.
Joe's Cellar
At first glance, Joe’s Cellar seems like just another generic name for a proudly divey bar, but it’s actually quite descriptive. Indeed, drinking here is like hanging out in your buddy’s windowless, wood-paneled cellar, with most of the illumination coming from the glow of a fake fireplace, video lottery machines or a propped-open door. Don’t get the wrong impression, though; dimly lit as it may be, this is hardly a depressing place in which to imbibe. There’s free pool on Wednesdays, free tacos on Thursdays and charming conversations with 60-year-old white men about Ice Cube’s film career nightly.
What to drink: Stiff-as-fuck Jack ’n’ Coke before singing “Crimson and Clover” on karaoke night.
Happy hour: $2 pints 4-6 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Jukebox, TV, pool, karaoke.
LaurelThirst Public House
This pub is all about comfort: Live music every night in a setting that feels like a really cool basement, with an exposed brick wall, cracked leather bar stools, jeans-wearing clientele and pinot gris served in a regular glass if you feel compelled to order wine. Beer is the ticket here, with a nice selection of 17 drafts, including $4.25 pints of German pilsner, a Butt Crack Brown from the Klamath Basin and local offerings such as the Laurelwood Tree Hugger Porter.
What to drink: A pint of Terminal Gravity IPA, $4.25.
Happy hour: $2 PBR and $3.50 microbrews, 9 am-5 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Live music, pool, pinball.
Laurelwood Public House and Brewery
In a space that once housed the meatballs and musicals of Sylvia’s Class Act dinner theater, Laurelwood’s sprawling brewpub is awash in squealing children and award-winning ales. At its best, the brewery’s fourth outpost is a rowdy, family-friendly destination, with pitchers of pitch-perfect craft beers for adults and a play area for tots. At it’s worst, the pub feels like a Fuddruckers: The food is of middling quality and not cheap ($11 for most burgers), and just inside the main entrance is a crass merchandise counter, full of branded T-shirts and pint glasses. Still, there’s no knocking the beer, like LW’s beer-nerd-approved Organic Free Range Red, which stands out in the recent slew of hoppy reds gaining ground on the IPA as the Northwest’s favorite style. So snag a pint or nine, and plant yourself on the second-story patio, above the kiddies and corniness.
What to drink: Pint of über-hoppy Workhorse IPA, $4.25.
Happy hour: $3 pints, $4 food 3-6 pm and 9 pm-midnight daily.
Entertainment: Adorable, loud children.
Liberty Glass
Pointy antlers and Mason jars, candlelight and blue-speckled camp plates…Liberty Glass is all about the rustic-sexy. And that goes for the youngish clientele—unruly beard (him) and good boots (her)—that gravitate to this pink house off North Mississippi, too. Grab a well-worn table and a super sweet-’n’-sour and orange juice-spiked Whiskey Time ($6) and waste hours humming along to Astrud Gilberto and slurping a bowl of house tomato soup. You can stay as long as you want; the artfully disheveled regulars smoking themselves into the afterlife on the wide front porch never leave.
What to drink: A glass of Malbec ($6), Pabst tall boy ($2).
Happy hour: $1 off draft beers 5-7 pm daily. And $1 drafts and cocktails midnight-2:30 am Monday-Saturday. Mama Rosa’s Spaghetti Feed ($5 vegetarian, $7 with meatballs) and $1 off all wines 6 pm-midnight Tuesdays.
Entertainment: Bingo on Mondays.
Life of Riley
All right, let’s get the name thing out of the way. Though its origins may be in dispute, the idiom “living the life of Riley” means to enjoy a life of prosperity and leisure. Here, this translates to tossing back local craft microbrews and watching the game on one of several well-placed TVs. We have no complaints with this interpretation, especially when pastry-wrapped Lit’l Smokies (piglets in a blanket) are only $3 at happy hour. This three-year-old tavern markets itself as “an alternative in the Pearl,” and indeed, the ’60s-diner-meets-suburban-rec-room vibe seems more Southeast Clinton Street than Northwest 10th Avenue. For those looking to take the rec room nostalgia a step further, the basement game room opens at 5 pm. No hanky-panky.
What to drink: Ninkasi Total Domination IPA, $4.
Happy hour: $1 off select drinks, cheap appetizers 4-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Pool, darts, shuffleboard (after 5 pm), TV, jukebox.
Local Lounge
In two years, MLK nightspot the Kiknbaque Lounge had established itself as one of the karaoke scene’s best-kept secrets: a melting-pot singalong around a communal table. It might have become a Portland institution, if not for the pesky complaints to the OLCC. So the Kiknbaque closed and reopened this spring as Local Lounge. The remodel has preserved the bar’s 1920s-vintage beer cooler, but surrounded it with the kind of tasteful decor traditionally associated with a condominium lobby. (Behind the pool table sits the city’s swankest keno room, complete with matching hardback chairs.) On Easter Sunday, the barback sang along to the Internet jukebox and chatted with the clientele (still a multicultural lot, but better heeled) as he leafed through The Bartender’s Bible. At one point it emerged that he had been the general contractor on the renovation, and—the economy being what it is—he never left.
What to drink: Dos Equis, $3.50
Happy hour: $2.50 well drinks and micros 4:30-6:30 pm and 11 pm-close nightly.
Entertainment: Karaoke, Wi-Fi, DJs, live music, jukebox, TV, pool, poker night Wednesdays.
Low Brow Lounge
It’s the end of the night, and you have two options: go home and sleep or carry on. Some bars are good as a last stop. The Low Brow Lounge is absolutely perfect. After a night of heavy drinking, nothing works better (sorry, vegetarians) than a combo of mini corn dogs and Tater Tots to soak up all the booze in your stomach. The Low Brow is just that classy of a joint, a place with a wall bedazzled with Jägermeister bottles and the most disgusting $5.50 deal in town—your choice of a bratwurst or chili dog, a tall boy of High Life, and an ice cream sandwich.
What to drink: Tall boy of High Life, $2.
Happy hour: $1 off drinks 5-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Jukebox.
Lucky Labrador Brew Pub
Eat your heart out, meat markets. With an on-site brewery pouring fresh stouts, ales and barleywines, the Lucky Lab is also one of the best places to meet bitches. It’s a favorite hangout for booze-happy dog owners, boasting a massive, mutt-friendly patio, half covered, half soaked in the sun. Inside is a magnet for large groups, with banquet-hall seating to satisfy the medieval urge to swig pints and pound on big wood benches. The size of the Lab makes it the perfect last-minute meeting ground for parties numbering in the dozens, effectively rendering doggy day care unnecessary for SNOBs (Supporters of Native Oregon Beer).
What to drink: A sampler tray of six house-brewed beers, $7.95.
Happy hour: $1 off pints all day Monday.
Entertainment: Darts, dogs.
Lupa
This narrow bar, nestled between a bike shop and a breakfast joint, somehow fulfills every wine bar cliché without being pretentious or cloying. Its dim and quiet atmosphere is a refreshing change from the otherwise raucous scene that is North Mississippi Avenue. Intimate lighting glints off the dozens of bottles racked along one entire wall of the bar. Farther back, small, high tables encourage customers to sit closer together, as does the soft, wistful voice of Emmylou Harris over the speakers. The selection is a little pricey, but the knowledgeable bartenders are happy to help you dither over your decision. And one glass of strong, astringent manzanillo ($7) can last the whole night.
What to drink: Glass of the current house red, $7.
Happy hour: $1 off glass pours 4-6 pm Monday-Saturday, all day Sunday.
Entertainment: Conversation with your significant other.
Lutz Tavern
A retreat for those turned off by the poshness of the Pearl and the affected low-rent vibe of Hawthorne- and Belmont-area drinking establishments, Woodstock’s Lutz Tavern is a dive bar’s dive bar, free of pretension and political correctness—the kind of place where patrons will unironically refer to Yao Ming as a “Chinaman.” Here, NASCAR is as big a deal as Blazers games, the pool table is purple, the food menu includes pickled eggs and beef jerky, and the jukebox is loaded with both ZZ Top and the Repo Man soundtrack. When the yuppie zombies descend on Portland, the city’s blue-collar beer drinkers will hole up inside and toast the apocalypse with Miller High Life.
What to drink: A cheap local staple like Hamm’s or Pabst, except in a Lutz growler ($5 for the jug), which holds about five large glasses of beer.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Pinball, jukebox, pool, TV, Wi-Fi.
M Bar
Sometimes you wanna go where nobody gives a fuck what your name is. The smallest barroom in Portland—the size of a penthouse coat closet—is the second home for a crew of students, servers and reporters who conduct their colloquy entirely indifferent to your first half-dozen visits. This is a good sign: Snag one of three stools, keep your mouth shut, and you’ll hear amazing stories. About the guy who stole a bank ATM with a pickup truck and towing chains. About the infamous wine that “smells like balls.” About the Old Fashioned Tennessee Slapflight. About the impromptu David Bowie dance party at last call. About how we got way too drunk last night. About how tonight we’re going to do it again.
What to drink: Very tall pint of Hopworks lager, $5.
Happy hour: $3 pints and glasses of wine 6-8 pm nightly.
Entertainment: Conversation.
Magic Gardens
Stepping through the front door of Magic Gardens is like coming home, if your home also has a pool table and Mom has tattoos on her tuckus. It’s not every strip club that has patrons playing pool at 4 in the afternoon, or local rock stars lounging in the back. A small stage, sans pole, lends to the intimate feel of the club, and patrons are as likely as not to be the dancer’s boyfriend or roommates. If you’re looking for perfectly sculpted abs, this might not be the place. For strip club neophytes, it’s perfect.
What to drink: $3 Coors and PBR.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Strippers, pool, endless parade of personality.
Marathon Taverna
Downtown’s most honest sports bar ditches cheeseball themes in favor of an old-school sports dive air. The sprawling interior has a flat-screen within eyeshot of every seat, and a legion of hot waitresses keep the cheap food coming (including infamous $4 gyros) and the booze flowing. Screaming is considered an acceptable form of communication. On Blazers game nights, it’s a place to cram in and slam Jäger with other fans, leading to countless questionable hookups.
What to drink: $2.75 High Life mini-pitchers on game nights.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Pool, arcade games, TV, sports, jukebox, free popcorn.
Mary's Club
Portland’s oldest titty bar has become an icon of Portland’s vaunted weirdness and purported sexual libertinism, and it’s easy to see why. The claustrophobic joint feels like a friendly neighborhood bar where the neighbors are keen on jiggling their breasts, undulating their crotches in your face and bending their legs over their heads. The bartenders are exceedingly friendly, the dancers pick their own tunes from an onstage jukebox and crack jokes midshimmy, and the patrons range from dirty old men to young couples.
What to drink: The specially brewed and aptly named Topless Blonde Ale, $4.50.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Strippers, video poker, public erections.
McPeets
When you’re driving down Fremont Street in the Beaumont Village area, it is hard not to be distracted by the McPeets sign—after all, it’s big and shiny, and nearly 20 damn feet tall. That sign might lead you to believe that when you open the doors to McPeets you’ll see a grand place with massive ceilings and room for days of wandering, but McPeets loves to defeat your expectations. Indeed, the sign is almost as large as the interior of this gem of a neighborhood bar. You won’t find trendy art on the walls, but you will find a solid house porter and cheap fries.
What to drink: McPeets Porter (from Southern Oregon Brewing), $3.75.
Happy hour: Rotating daily specials 4 pm-close nightly. $1.25 PBR Wednesdays!
Entertainment: Pool, arcade games, jukebox.
Mississippi Pizza/Atlantis Lounge
Only in Portland could a weekly spelling bee become one of the coolest bar activities in town. Hooking patrons on phonics every Sunday, along with the Pizza Pub’s fantastically huge slices, excellent beer selection and nightly live music (mostly of the acoustic variety), put it in the unlikely position to be North Mississippi’s coolest joint. For those who can’t abide children, the Atlantic Lounge in the back makes for a good grown-up experience, with candlelit ambience and excellent cocktails. The whole shebang is S-T-U-P-E-N-D-O-U-S.
What to drink: Nothing washes down pizza like a frosty pitcher of Widmer Hefeweizen, $14.
Happy hour: $1.75 cheese, pepperoni and veggie slices; $12 pitchers; 50 cents off pints 3-5 pm daily.
Entertainment: Live music, adult spelling bee Mondays.
Mississippi Station
Only in Portland could a weekly spelling bee become one of the coolest bar activities in town. Hooking patrons on phonics every Sunday, along with the Pizza Pub’s fantastically huge slices, excellent beer selection and nightly live music (mostly of the acoustic variety), put it in the unlikely position to be North Mississippi’s coolest joint. For those who can’t abide children, the Atlantic Lounge in the back makes for a good grown-up experience, with candlelit ambience and excellent cocktails. The whole shebang is S-T-U-P-E-N-D-O-U-S.
What to drink: Nothing washes down pizza like a frosty pitcher of Widmer Hefeweizen, $14.
Happy hour: $1.75 cheese, pepperoni and veggie slices; $12 pitchers; 50 cents off pints 3-5 pm daily.
Entertainment: Live music, adult spelling bee Mondays.
Mock Crest Tavern
This one-time ice cream parlor maintains a lunch-counter vibe, with its kitchen visible from the street through a bay window and a $2.99 pancakes-and-eggs breakfast served to UP students and dockworkers. But this is boozing territory: Beside the grill is a deep well, bluesmen practice their licks under widescreens showing SportsCenter, and out back is a “biergarten” that—befitting the kind of brews quaffed here—looks more like somebody’s yard.
What to drink: Coors. Let’s be honest—probably five Coors.
Happy hour: $1.50 PBR tallboys, $2 Coors and Bud, $3 well drinks, $3.25 microbrews, 2-for-1 appetizers 3-6 pm nightly; $1.50 Pabst, $3.99 Bloody Marys 10 am-noon “Lunch hour” daily; free basket of Tater Tots and onion rings with purchase of a pitcher after 11 pm.
Moon and Sixpence
A trip to the Moon is a lot cheaper than hopping a plane to the U.K., and a lot healthier now that this perennial contender for biggest ashtray in town is smoke-free by order of the state. The cottage pie ($7.95) provides a great base on which to load an amazing selection of domestic and imported beers, and try your luck against the regular dart masters. We’re talking the NBA of pointy projectiles here.
What to drink: If there’s a bottle of good Euro brew they don’t have, you don’t need it. Imperial pints (20 ounces) of Guinness and Red Seal, $5.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Foghorn String Band Sundays, Irish jam Mondays, Trashcan Joe Wednesdays, darts, Wi-Fi.
Morrison Hotel
The massive bottle selection that varies from month to month, usually in the range of 80 to 100 brews from Sapporo to Prague, and a great happy hour alone would be enough to make this cool green-toned, Red Sox-affiliated bar a popular stop among the post-work crowd, but the fun doesn’t stop there. Morrison Hotel also airs all Blazers games, has bathrooms wallpapered with old concert tickets and serves a mean flatbread pizza. Get it Turkish-style, topped with meat and spices and rolled up with lettuce and garlic aioli, or try your luck with a special—a vegetarian mushroom and cheese was delicious. Be ready to wait for it, though. Service can be slow.
What to drink: Something unusual from the massive bottle list, like the thick, black, powerfully coffee-flavored Hitachino Espresso Stout, $6.50.
Happy hour: $2.50 well drinks, $1 off draft pints, $4.50 cocktails 5-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Jukebox, TV, pinball, Big Buck Hunter, trivia Wednesdays.
Muddy Rudder Public House
Portland is home to a few nautically themed bars, but the Muddy Rudder feels like the kind of place a commercial fisherman might go for a pint before shoving off for a month. Granted, that might have a lot to do with the accoutrements—ship wheels, maps of the Bering Sea—and the music, particularly the Irish roundtable jams that go down on Sundays; the Sellwood neighborhood in which it resides doesn’t exactly scream “seafaring,” nor does the family-friendly patronage. Still, with outdoor seating, 10 taps and generally warm atmosphere, it’s probably the most inviting spot in the area.
What to drink: A pint of any of the rotating brews, chosen by the owner based on customer popularity, $4.25-$4.75.
Happy hour: $3 draft pints, $3.75 glasses of red and white wine 4-6 pm daily.
Entertainment: Live music.
My Father's Place
This inner-eastside dive is what Applebee’s aspires to be, only dingier and more fun: a cheap, greasy menu, tile-topped tables, intimate booths, stained-glass and frilly lamps, and a bewildering collection of detritus hanging from the ceiling. I counted masks, musical instruments, toy trucks, tea kettles, a Radio Flyer wagon and what appeared to be a torpedo. The young and the rowdy gather around the pool tables while the old and inebriated hold down the bar, which never seems to be too busy or too slow. The carpets are crusty and the restroom is a little frightening, but the drinks are poured tall and cheap, the juke is great, and if all you want is to sit quietly and soak, no one will tell you otherwise.
What to drink: Stiff wells, $2.50.
Happy hour: 25 cents off well drinks, draft pints and bottles 5-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: TV, jukebox, pinball, pool, Big Buck Hunter.
NEPO 42
The parking lot in front of NEPO 42 has four spaces, but don’t try to use them. One is occupied by the enormous smoker that fuels the kitchen, one is disability only, and the other two are a difficult squeeze. Park around the corner on the unpaved side street, hoof it through a puddle and get ready to be happily surprised. The pleasant space, decorated with art nouveau posters and black-and-white photos, possesses rough elegance. It also has everything you could want from a neighborhood pub: a long bar, plenty of booths, a pretty bartender and really good food.
What to drink: Jack Daniel’s neat, $5, or a draft “El Jefe” Weizen, $4.
Happy hour: $1 domestics, $3 well drinks, $3.50 drafts 4-7 pm and 10 pm-midnight Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: TV, pool, Wii nights.
New Old Lompoc Pub and Brewery
If Willamette Week had an official bar, this would probably be it. And not just because the ’Poc is just down the street. It also has an excellent menu ($3.95 clam chowder and $9.25 sausage mac ’n’ cheese), a nice, big covered patio and sports on TV. Bartenders spin a lot of seminal indie rock on the overhead stereo, though if you sit too close to the kitchen you’ll get an earful of metal or whatever jams the cooks are kicking out. Oh, the beer! I recommend the malty Proletariat Red ($4.25), though one could happily lose an entire evening just taste-testing them all.
What to drink: A pint of C-Note IPA ($4.25) or a 9 percent ABV seasonal ales.
Happy hour: 4-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Video poker, trivia night.
Night Light Lounge
Like Victory and the Observatory, Night Light Lounge seems a little uncertain as to whether it wants to be a bar or a restaurant. The copper-topped bar and monthly art shows are elegant, but they share a room with a billiards table and DJ station. The menu offers nachos alongside non-pubby entrees such as gnocchi and grilled scallops. This suits us just fine. Why shouldn’t we enjoy an ahi and fennel sandwich on brioche ($10) while sipping $4.50 house wine on the quiet, shady back deck? Night Light is casual and fairly cheap, but presentable enough to make a good date spot—so long as you don’t mind the occasional clatter of pool balls.
What to drink: The Art Snob: bourbon, ginger ale, orange juice and bitters, $7.
Happy hour: $3.50 microbrew pints, $4 Guinness, 50 cents off well drinks, $1 off wine 3-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Pool, DJs, jukebox.
Nob Hill Bar and Grill
937 NW 23rd Ave. 274-9616. nobhillbg.ypguides.net/ MapO'Brien's
Either an Irish bar with a sports theme or a sports bar with an Irish theme, depending on how you look at it, O’Brien’s is one of the last no-frills, locals-friendly bars left on Northwest 21st Avenue. The service is friendly and attentive, even on busy nights, and there’s a notable dearth of suburban excursionists in tube tops. Indeed, most of the regulars are content to sit alone with their laptops or eat onion rings and watch the game on TV, hoping a little luck o’ the Irish rubs off on the Blazers.
What to drink: Bud Light and a shot of Jameson.
Happy hour: 5-7 pm, deals change daily.
Entertainment: TV, sports, video poker.
O'Brien's
Either an Irish bar with a sports theme or a sports bar with an Irish theme, depending on how you look at it, O’Brien’s is one of the last no-frills, locals-friendly bars left on Northwest 21st Avenue. The service is friendly and attentive, even on busy nights, and there’s a notable dearth of suburban excursionists in tube tops. Indeed, most of the regulars are content to sit alone with their laptops or eat onion rings and watch the game on TV, hoping a little luck o’ the Irish rubs off on the Blazers.
What to drink: Bud Light and a shot of Jameson.
Happy hour: 5-7 pm, deals change daily.
Entertainment: TV, sports, video poker.
Oaks Bottom Public House
The Southeast Portland outpost of New Old Lompoc Brewing’s ever-growing local pub empire, Oaks Bottom is a cheerful, no-nonsense watering hole. And really, what else do you need? The long, skinny, green-and-gold-hued spot (go Ducks!) used to be a French café, but now the menu is strictly American—even boasting a mountain of “tachos,” the unholy union of Tater Tots and nachos ($7-$9). The pub hosts trivia every Wednesday, but it’s a sure bet that the big chalkboard will boast a wealth of Lompoc brews as well as a few rotating guests every night, from Stone IPA to an Irish lager or a Bayern Killarney hard cider.
What to drink: New Old Lompoc Condor Pale Ale, $4.25.
Happy hour: $3.25 pints, $1 off cocktails 3-6 pm and 10-close Monday-Friday, all day Saturday-Sundays. Plus, $2.50 Lompoc pints all day on Miser Mondays, $3 Bloody Marys and mimosas every Sunday.
Entertainment: Patio, TV.
On Deck Sports Bar and Grill
For a city with one pro sports team—make that one and a half with the addition of a Major League Soccer franchise—Portland is nuts about athletic competition, and few spots in town cater to that fanaticism with the upscale panache of On Deck. With roughly a fafillion flat-screen TVs positioned around the bar (and in the restrooms), it’s difficult to miss a second of any game. But even sport-ophobes can enjoy the outdoor patio, which the bar claims is the largest in the Pearl.
What to drink: A frosty pitcher of Lagunitas IPA, $14.
Happy hour: 3:30-6:30 pm Monday-Friday, 8 pm-close Sunday-Thursday, 9 pm-close Friday-Saturday.
Entertainment: TV, sports, Wi-Fi.
Paddy's Bar & Grill
Think Paddy’s and think “The Wall”: a beverage-filled 14-foot megalith to which the word “bar” does no justice. The Wall holds no fewer than 600 bottles with every flavor and shade of demon liquor imaginable, most of which may be accessed only via a vertiginous sliding ladder that presumably narrows down the eligible bartender pool considerably (acrophobes need not apply). With a name like Paddy’s, one expects the focus to be on whiskey, and you won’t be disappointed—about one-third of the bottles fall under the headings of single malt, blended, Irish, American and Canadian. Welcome to paradise.
What to drink: A glass of Jameson’s Gold, $11.50. Get that ice outta there.
Happy hour: $3.75 drafts and well drinks 3-6 pm and 10 pm-close Monday-Saturday and all day Sunday.
Entertainment: TV, 599 bottles of booze on the wall.
Produce Row Cafe
The name might suggest shots of wheatgrass more than whiskey, but Produce Row, hidden among the warehouses of industrial Southeast, is one of the most universally beloved drinkeries in the city, bringing together the usually stratified groups of fashionable young things and the tot-toting older guard. Considering its locale has zero foot traffic, the bar’s popularity is a testament to the Stumptownian drive to drink in the best environment available. And with a rotating roster of more than 200 beers and a sweet heated patio, there are few better.
What to drink: The Round Trip, 7-ounce samples of eight beers of your choosing, $18—it’s the best way to absorb the Row’s selection of porters, pale ales, ambers and lagers.
Happy hour:$3 well drinks, $.50 off draught pints, $11-$13 pitchers (other than High Life, which is $7), $2.50-$4 food 4-7 pm Monday-Saturday.
Entertainment: Live music, pool.
MATT SINGER. 204 SE Oak St. 232-8355. www.producerowcafe.com MapQueen of Hearts Tavern
Ten minutes after my boyfriend and I get to the Queen of Hearts, a woman with a gray bob and voluminous suede parka sits down on his other side. Her name is Jennifer, and she regales us with tales of tequila-drinking adventures in Mexico and details about the (surprisingly good!) blues band—her boyfriend is the bassist—before she sees three of her friends come in. We part with hugs and promises to hang out again next week. That’s the kind of bar Queen of Hearts is: a neighborhood place with zero pretension. “This is where people go to get away from hip young jerks,” my friend says as I sip my Roots Organic Kolsch. I surreptitiously push it away and contemplate ordering a Jäger bomb.
What to drink: $4 local pints.
Happy hour: $1 Rainiers 9 pm-midnight Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Entertainment: Pool, TV, arcade games, live blues.
Red Fox
Minutes after ducking out of the rain and into Red Fox, a friend of mine declared it to be the archetypal Portland bar. Which is hard to deny, what with the wordless-logo shingle out front, the taxidermied Vulpes vulpes mounted over the liquor cabinet, the asymmetrical chandeliers and the blackboard listing a formidable selection of craft beers. It also holds to civic tradition by being the latest tenant of a space with high turnover—within the past two years, the garden walkway previously led to Small World Cafe and the Albina Green. Red Fox makes far stronger use of the space—its hardwood and crimson paint bring to mind the Overlook Hotel’s Lloyd the Bartender.
What to drink: $1 can of Old German.
Happy hour: $1 off drafts 3-7 pm nightly.
Entertainment: Jukebox, Wi-Fi.
Red Room
A lot of local bars lost their dive status once Portland’s smoking ban cleared the clouds. But Red Room, a gritty Northeast 82nd Avenue funhouse, has more to boast than stale air. How about trivia and cheap punk, rock, metal and even blues jams six nights a week and slurring regulars who call you Jerry when you are clearly not their friend (or even a man)? Red Room’s got ’em all, as well as a recent facelift courtesy of new owner Andre Nayrey that brightened up the low-slung space’s paint job (red, of course) and added a few comfy booths and flat-screen TVs. Luckily, it did not remove the bartender’s saucy attitude.
What to drink: Mystery shot ($1 each) followed by, sweet Jesus, anything else.
Happy hour: $1 PBRs, $3 well drinks 4-8 pm Monday-Friday and “randomly.”
Entertainment: TV, live music, jukebox, sports games, pool, pinball.
Reel ‘M’ Inn
The staff of this tumbledown, angling-themed bar are very much into the Make-a-Wish Foundation, propaganda for which covers a pillar by the bar. You know what? I wish I could eat amazing, juicy fried chicken (three pieces for $7.75) with my bourbon everywhere. The ’80s rock, Mike’s Hard Lemonade signs and taxidermied animals (marlin, fox, deer butt) give the impression the Inn might be the sort of place the regulars look askance at newcomers, but don’t you worry—they’re as friendly as can be. (BW)
What to drink: Maker’s Mark, $5.25.
Happy hour: Food specials Sunday-Thursday.
Entertainment: TV, pool, Internet jukebox, Big Buck Safari, critters that watch you.
Rontoms
Although it’s located right on the highly visible corner of Southeast 6th Avenue and East Burnside Street, I tend to drive past Rontoms without noticing it. I’m going to do the logical thing and blame this on the nondescript, warehouse-style building’s total lack of signage. The bar’s elusiveness, though it can be a pain in the ass, is endearing. Inside, Rontoms gives off a vintage air—specifically, the sort of air you might find in your grandmother’s basement. Secondhand couches and tables are strategically clumped across the room, allowing intimate conversations among friends, and the bar features a backyard smoking patio complete with a fire pit and pingpong table.
What to drink: A bottle of Celebrator doppelbock, $4.
Happy hour: $4 food menu, $3 well drinks 4:30-6:30 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Live music, movie nights, board games, Wi-Fi.
Rotture
If you want to see Rotture at its full potential, visit on a Thursday for the bar’s legendary soul night—an evening full of sweaty bodies, projections of ’70s videos and DJs spinning soulful tracks, all for a $3 cover. This crowd is eclectic. Guys wearing fedoras smoke cigarettes on the rooftop patio and chat with ladies who look like Urban Outfitters models, while flat-brimmed baseball-capped dudes grind on girls in booty shorts on Rotture’s small stage. If bumpin’ and grindin’ ain’t your thang, don’t fret—Rotture hosts live music of all genres. (KN)
What to drink: Hamm’s tall boy, $2.50.
Happy hour: None.
Entertainment: Live music, DJs.
Sandy Hut
When people from outside the area—say, writers for The New York Times—think of Portland, they imagine we all look like the eclectic mix of customers at the Sandy Hut. Even post-smoking ban, if you look at the Sandy Hut in the right light, you can still feel the nicotine fog filling every cubic inch of the air. It’s the sort of place you can wear a leather choke collar and no one will bat an eye, but a full suit and tie will lead to exclusion from the bar’s spontaneous bouts of insanity. If it weren’t for all those pesky OLCC regulations, you can bet each evening would begin with games of flip-cup.
What to drink: Daily specials like the Purple Hooter, $4.
Happy hour: $2 Coors Light and $2.75 well drinks 4-7 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Pool, arcade games, jukebox, shuffleboard, Wi-Fi.
Sapphire Hotel
Asian-inspired decorations mix with American food and libations at the Sapphire Hotel, a neighborhood joint that offers a full dinner menu with starters like salmon corn cakes ($10) and entrees that include pomegranate-glazed hanger steak ($15) and butternut-squash enchiladas ($11). In true Southeast Portland form, the Sapphire Hotel uses organic and locally grown ingredients whenever possible. Drinks here take their inspiration from the location’s history as a seedy hotel “inhabited by sailors, travelers and ladies of the night,” according to the menu. “The Lobby” is a martini with lemon vodka, cranberry, mango and fresh lime ($8), and “The Bellhop” is housemade hot mulled wine ($8).
What to drink: An $8 specialty cocktail like the “Room Service” (a marionberry margarita) or a bubbly Bellini for $6.
Happy hour: $5 nightly drink special, $4 house wine, $2 PBR tall boys, $4 well drinks, range of discounted hors d’oeuvres 4-6pm daily, 10 pm-close Sunday-Thursday.
Entertainment: Live jazz Sundays, Saturday and Sunday brunch 9 am-2 pm with $10 bottomless mimosas.
Saraveza Bottle Shop & Pasty Tavern
There are pubs and then there are beer meccas, and Saraveza is the latter. Grab a tall bottle of Belgian ale to go, or sip a seasonal pint ($4.50-$5) from Rogue Brewery at the bar’s bottle-cap-topped tables along with the young men sporting beards and brewery tees. Have no fear, hops neophytes: The knowledgeable staff gently advises newcomers who’ve been struck dumb by the selection of nearly 150 beers in a pair of vintage fridge cases that flank the entrance to the tavern. Simple beer snacks like housemade Chex Mix ($3) and one of the best Caesar salads in town pair well with the bar’s soundtrack of old soul and ’80s hits, as well as the commentary from the Blazers, Packers or Brewers games projected on the pub’s back wall.
What to drink: Beer, from $2.50 Caldera in a can to a $22 Italian Belgian strong draft named Shangrila.
Happy hour: $1.50 craft half-pints 3-5:30 pm daily.
Entertainment: TV, sports.
Secret Society Lounge
Discreetly stowed above Toro Bravo, with windows spying down on Northeast Russell Street and an adjacent parking lot, the Secret Society Lounge fits its name quite nicely. While it’s only a narrow staircase removed from a steady stream of traffic and the occasional Wonder Ballroom crowd, Secret Society seems worlds away from aughties Portland once you’re settled in. Shades of deep walnut and burgundy line the tiny room, filled with well-preserved books and elegant artifacts from the ’40s and ’50s and primary-color paintings of Oregon lumberjacks. It’s hard not to feel as if you’re in a cozy, hidden corner of some vaguely bygone wartime era…or at least stuck in a Decemberists song.
What to drink: One of several absinthes, served in the traditional manner, $9-$11.
Happy hour: $1 off drinks for library-card holders, 5-7 pm nightly.
Entertainment: Live jazz Tuesdays, tarot card readings Wednesdays.
Shanghai Tunnel
A couple of blocks north of Burnside you can get the official tour of Old Town-Chinatown’s 19th-century network of underground passages, notorious for their use as holding pens for unfortunate “Shanghaied” drinkers while they awaited sale to shorthanded ship captains. Just south, you can sit in one such tunnel and get wasted while listening to Slayer. Clearly, little black paint was spared during the conversion to underground bar, as Shanghai Tunnel retains an appropriately eerie “what happened here?” ambience and typically blasts a metallic soundtrack to match. For those of a less subterranean temperament, the heated outside patio offers some of the finest people-watching in town.
What to drink: A Samurai Kiss, $9: Tequila Herradura, pomegranate liqueur, fresh lime juice and sugar rim.
Happy hour: $1 off beer, $2 off well drinks 5-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Pool, video games, pinball, Wi-Fi.
Side Street Tavern
In a mid-Southeast Belmont Street concentration of bars that runs from hip (Aalto Lounge) to cool (Blue Monk) to the perfect venue for watching ultimate fighting (Belmont’s Inn), Side Street is refreshingly lacking in attitude. You can play pool badly and nobody cares, tie your dog up to an outside table or eat some of Southeast’s best Tater Tots ($4) baked up fresh in one of the city’s smallest kitchens.
What to drink: Lagunitas IPA on tap ($4) if you’re flush, PBR ($2.50) if you are not.
Happy hour: 4:30-6:30 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: TV, pool, jukebox, pinball.
Slabtown
This quintessential dive bar, home to an infamous multinight garage-band festival called, appropriately, the Slabtown Bender, won’t win any beauty contests. The orange exterior is the color of baby diarrhea, and the clientele is similarly grizzled. While best known for its intimate shows, we also enjoy Slabtown on a low-key Sunday afternoon, when the pingpong table is empty, the bartenders are not busy, and hot dogs are a quarter apiece. A quarter? Well, beer has been clinically proven to kill bacteria....
What to drink: PBP, $3.25 a pint.
Happy hour: 50 cents off draft pints and well drinks 4-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Pingpong, jukebox, air hockey, pinball, live music.
Slow Bar
With its sleek metal surfaces and hip, red glass pendant lights, Slow Bar is an almost jarring contrast to its über-dive next-door neighbor, My Father’s Place (page 23). It’s also the unlikely birthplace of one of Portland’s most infamous hamburgers: the onion ring-topped Slowburger ($9.50), last seen on the celebratory glutton blog thisiswhyyourefat.com and a favorite of drunken inner-eastside residents. With only a handful of booths and limited seating at the bar, Slow Bar fills up quickly—as does the queue of its mostly punk-leaning jukebox. Be sure to arrive early…and with a very empty stomach.
What to drink: Goose ’n’ Juice (Grey Goose and grapefruit juice), $7.50.
Happy hour: $1 off all beers, $2.50 well drinks 3-6 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Jukebox, TV, Wi-Fi.
Spare Room
This longtime Northeast Portland dive is the black hole of hip. And I mean that in the best way possible. Where else can you stretch out in a U-shaped booth the size of a small New England state with a cheap rum and Coke and listen to a trio of fat men cover the Band’s “The Weight”? Nowhere. And we haven’t even tackled the wonder of karaoke night (Tuesday-Wednesday) or open mic night (Sundays) or the idea that this drinker’s paradise opens at 7 am every damn day. The line of bar stools around the puffy-lipped stage and the strands of electric pink and blue running lights bordering the ceiling give the low-slung, half-a-century-old former bowling alley a strip club vibe. But the only flesh you’re gonna see here is that of the aged dancing queens shuffling through a Texas Two Step on the parquet floor when the band kicks in with “Blue Suede Shoes” (the Carl Perkins version, of course).
What to drink: Anything the sassy young waitstaff gives ya. Probably a $1.75 Hamm’s and a shot of whiskey.
Happy hour: $2.25 well drinks and 50 cents off beers 4:30-6:30 pm daily. Breakfast for $3, 7-11 am daily.
Entertainment: Live music, dancing, TV, karaoke, open mic, generation- and tax-bracket-spanning crowd.
Speakeasy
Nestled at the bottom of an apartment complex in inner Southeast, Gil’s is so inconspicuous one would surely miss it if not for the Rainier emblem in the window and a few fixed-gears loitering outside the front door. And that would be a mistake. While the joint doesn’t have a trace of moonshine on the menu, it’s a dive with a homey, comforting feel; low ceilings and close quarters make it easy to get to know your neighbor or hear stories about an ill-fated slutty bee costume. The clientele is an interesting mix of blue-collar locals and broke twentysomethings, coming together to share ridiculously cheap beer and a few games of drunken table shuffleboard.
What to drink: $5 pitchers of PBR or Rainier.
Happy hour: $1 Pabst, $3 well drinks 3-6 pm Monday-Friday, $1 Pabst all day Sunday.
Entertainment: Shuffleboard, TV, jukebox, pool, pinball.
St. Johns Theater & Pub
Beware: On weekends, the wait for a movie ticket or table can be monstrous. Luckily, it’s also completely worth it. On warm afternoons, the outdoor garden is littered with pints and cheeseburgers. Families populate the child-friendly dining room and theater during the day, enjoying their Tater Tots ($6) and happily ignoring period decorations of dubious authenticity. Evening shows are for those 21 and older. Because the demographic consists mainly of older neighborhood couples holding hands, feel free to get there early and snag a couch. No teenagers swapping spit here; the only liquids being exchanged are pints of McMenamins’ signature brews.
What to drink: Pint of seasonal ale, like the Workingman’s Red, $4.
Happy hour: 85 cents off pints 4-6 pm and 10 pm-close nightly.
Entertainment: Movies.
Sway Bar
Immediately upon entering Sway Bar, two things are obvious: People make pizza here, and they still haven’t figured out what else they do. Beyond the aroma of dough in the ovens, the decor suggests somebody had a suave cocktail lounge in mind—black shelves hang on silver walls, accented by hand-stenciled coats of arms. The booths, black pleather with crisp white piping, might have been upholstered using the leftover suits of Little Lord Fauntleroy. But outshining the table candles are widescreen TVs beaming Jackie Chan’s Shanghai Knights, while satellite radio blasts Britney Spears’ “Toxic.” Service is prompt, drinks are poured strong enough, and sandwich platters come with high-quality corn chips. Even the patrons are in an identity crisis: When a waitress shatters a glass, the surrounding customers clap hesitantly, as if still deciding whether they’re supposed to be that kind of crowd.
What to drink: Jack and Coke, $5.
Happy hour: $1 off select drinks, $2-$3 menu 4-7pm daily.
Entertainment: TV, pool, pinball, DJs.
Tanker
This dimly lit, maritime-themed bar is an eye-catching place. Located just outside the Stumble Zone, it has five flat-screen televisions and a loud jukebox that blares everything from the Scorpions to the White Stripes. The wood-paneled walls and ceiling are rounded at the top, and the windows are anchored down with heavy-duty metal bolts. Tanker gets snaps for having an Oregon-dominant draft beer menu ($2.25-$4.50), which includes Ninkasi, New Old Lompoc and Tanker’s own Crude Stout. If you prefer tall boys, this ship carries 19 beers by the can ($2-$4). A full bar, a smattering of wines and a food menu laced with premium drunchies materials like the Tanker Frito Pie ($7, Fritos topped with chili, sour cream and nacho cheese) seal the deal. (WH)
What to drink: An exotic can like Belhaven Scottish, $4.
Happy hour: $2.50 wells, $1 off drafts 3-8 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: TV, sports, arcade games, Wii, jukebox, Wi-Fi.
Tanuki
Unlike most places in Portland offering food inspired by the izakaya—a Japanese bar that serves small plates of raw fish, grilled meat and pickles—Janice Martin’s Nob Hill establishment actually aspires to be one. Yes, she makes extraordinarily good food, but the ambience and service (noisy, friendly, but slow) are what you would expect from a bar, not a restaurant. If you don’t know what you feel like eating, try the omakase: You pick a dollar amount per person, and Martin cooks you a meal; $25 got us seven courses, including miso, edamame, udon noodles, hamachi sashimi, grilled skewers of beef and duck, and more.
What to drink: 21.5-ounce Sapporo, $5.
Happy hour: $1 skewers and miso, $2 sake shots 4-6 pm Tuesday-Friday.
Entertainment: TV.
Teardrop Cocktail Lounge
The Teardrop makes me feel classy: I have to pretend I’m loaded to drop $8 for a cocktail that will get me loaded. The drinks are worth the price—part works of art, for their truly imaginative combinations, and part science, for the precision of their preparation. That’s right: This is an institute of mixology. The cocktail menu changes to include seasonal ingredients, and the bartenders use eyedroppers to dispense precise amounts of their made-from-scratch mixers. I downed a Last Days: Buffalo Trace bourbon, absinthe, house crème de cacao, Shiraz reduction and pimento dram served up.
What to drink: Any of the cocktails, $8.
Happy hour: $1 off all beer, wine and sake 4-7 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Movies.
Thatch Tiki Bar
I never thought I’d enjoy a tiki bar, especially one carved into the strip mall-style block on 28th and Broadway (full disclosure: I used to work at the CD/Game Exchange where Thatch now sits). But Thatch, a low-lit, low-key tiki packed with wooden statues, blowfish-shaped overhead lights and black velvet paintings, does its shtick pretty damn well. Specialty drinks like the Taboo (a sweet silver rum, pineapple and cranberry concoction in a tall glass for $7) meet delicious spirits (try the St. Germain!) in the lowered bar, but big groups might spring for the epic Flaming Volcano Bowl ($28), which is composed of vodka, rum, brandy and pretty much everything else you can imagine. An awesome bar staff and secluded, reservation-only private booth seal the deal. If you happen to be stuck on this ugly stretch of Broadway, Thatch is a great place to hide.
What to drink: Thatch’s famous $5 happy hour mai tai.
Happy hour: $5 mai tais, $4 well drinks and $3 select beers 5-6:30 pm daily.
Entertainment: The Flaming Volcano Bowl, of course.
The Alibi
Make no mistake. Despite the Vegas-style neon lights outside, the Alibi has an over-the-top Polynesian decor inside, complete with hula dancers carved out of wood hanging from the walls. Stepping inside the NoPo tiki-flavored karaoke bar will make you feel like you’re being transported to Hawaii circa 1972 (setting for The Brady Bunch, Season 4, Episode 1, “Hawaii Bound”). It’s also a bit like tumbling into a cozy and incredibly kitschy cave; the windowless bar will make you forget the time. The wide array of exotic tropical drinks (and full menu of burgers, salads and sandwiches) will make it fly. Your company? One of the most diverse crowds of Portlanders you’ll find at any watering hole in town.
What to drink: The “Kamonawannalaieya,” assuming you can pronounce it, $7.
Happy hour: $1.75 select beers, $2.50 rotating “drink of the day,” 3-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Nightly karaoke, TV.
The Bitter End
On an off night, the Bitter End is a friendly little sports bar where patrons shoot pool and munch Tater Tots. During Timbers and Beavers games, it’s the rowdiest place this side of a Liverpool locker room. The place can accommodate hordes of screaming sportos while providing shots from its well-stocked liquor bar.
What to drink: A nice whiskey on the rocks from the bar’s ample collection, $4.50 and up.
Happy hour: $3.75 well drinks, $2.25 PBR, $2 Rainier and High Life 4-7 pm Monday-Friday, noon-7 pm Saturday.
Entertainment: TV, sports, arcade games, foosball, pinball, jukebox, trivia Tuesdays.
The Florida Room
With its covered patio packed with smokers and worn booths full of boozing regulars, the tropical diner-ish Florida Room is North Killingsworth’s dive-away-from-home. The well drinks are stiff and the friendly staff’s Sunday “Church of the Bloody Mary” brunch (11 am-4 pm), complete with biscuits and gravy, eight kinds of Marys and David Bowie on the speakers, is righteously packed. A full poolroom in back boasts Sopranos pinball and a photo booth ($3), but the real draw here is cheap pub grub (corndogs, tots, deep fried avocado) and can after can of $1 Old German.
What to drink: Ginger-infused bourbon and orange-spiced tea Cure All, $6; Old Germans.
Happy hour: Free pool, 50 cents off draft beers and well drinks, $2.75 food menu 3-7 pm daily. Happy-hour pricing anytime for service-industry workers—show OLCC card or food handler’s permit.
Entertainment: TV, pool, pinball, photo booth.
The Nest
During the warmer months, nothing beats enjoying a beer—or three—on a really nice patio. The Nest might have the best outdoor area in all of Portland; so large it could almost be considered a backyard, it’s the best place to play horseshoes or enjoy a quick smoke now that the smoking ban is in full effect. Maybe it’s just the cheap drinks (just $2.50 for a whiskey ginger during happy hour), but the Nest is also one of the most entertaining places for people-watching. On a recent visit, a loud, drunk male in an ironic trucker hat wasn’t just wasted, he was “Tyler Durden dirty blackout drunk,” as he shouted to a friend. You go, dude!
What to drink: Whiskey ginger, PBR.
Happy hour: $1 select domestics and $2.50 wells 4-6 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Jukebox, pool, live music, pinball, horseshoes.
The Observatory
If, while sipping a house cocktail at the Observatory, you notice yourself feeling somewhat more pious than you did when you walked in, you are more than likely sitting on one of the pews the owners salvaged from a nearby church. The proprietors have deftly crafted a space that manages to exude the warmth of an establishment many years its senior: A large bar dominates the room, but not at the expense of the surrounding tables and booths, and the light is just right, bright enought to actually read the menu without aid of night-vision goggles, yet dim enough to afford a small bit of intimacy. The food is great, and the list of cocktails is extensive—try a Bellini with pear vodka, peach purée and champagne.
What to drink: House cocktails, $7-$8, $4 pints of Hopworks lager.
Happy hour: $1 domestics, $4 well drinks, $3 drafts 4-6 pm nightly, 10 pm-midnight Tuesday-Thursday.
Entertainment: Jukebox.
The Slammer Tavern
It is no longer legal to put match to cigarette while sipping your rye. What reason is left to go to the bar? Here’s one: cheap booze. Pints of Kokanee get passed across the horseshoe counter for $2. (If you’re wondering whether this is the kind of bar that will mix you a specialty cocktail, consider that this is the kind of bar where the men’s room does not have a door.) Even after several refurbishings, the picnic-table decor still resembles that of a strip-mall Mexican restaurant that has forgotten to serve Mexican food (except on taco Wednesdays!), but the Slammer is a corner bar so enchanting you may be moved to stand on an outdoor table and sing along to “Rocket Man” playing on the loudspeakers. After which the regulars will come outside and congratulate you.
What to drink: Beam and Coke gets poured strong for $4.50.
Happy hour: $2.50 well drinks Monday-Tuesday and Thursday-Saturday, $1.50 tacos Wednesday.
Entertainment: Pinball, Big Buck Hunter.
The Space Room
Priding itself on serving some of the strongest drinks in Portland, Space Room is preferred by aging Hawthorne party kids whose best days came about 15 years ago. The party’s over, but they don’t know it—and sometimes that’s exactly the crowd you need to be around. The shadowy corners, red UFOs hovering over the bar and Christmas-light constellations on the ceiling add to the seedy vibe. A patio is allegedly is under construction, but so far no drinks are allowed outside. Anyway, regulars don’t seem to miss the sun much.
What to drink: Space Punch, a pastel pink concoction, $6.
Happy hour: Free appetizers, $2.50 well drinks, 4:30-6:30 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: TV, jukebox, fake plants.
The Standard
What makes the Standard stand out? Owner Reed Lamb has taken his laid-back, welcoming attitude and “barified” it in this Kerns neighborhood hangout. Great staff, cheap drinks, good food and a large selection of bar games guarantee there’s something for everyone. The Standard draws a pretty consistent crowd, but there’s plenty of space to go around. Show up with a group or go solo—you may end up behind the curtain of the photo booth taking scandalous snapshots. The hand-finished shuffleboard table has a distinctive crook that lends home court advantage for the regulars, so watch out!
What to drink: Stiff whisky ginger with lime, $3.
Happy hour: $1 Hamm’s, $2 well drinks, $2.50 draft pints 4-6 pm daily.
Entertainment: Shuffleboard, photo booth, pool, jukebox, pinball, arcade games.
Tiga
Shhh. Let me fill you in on a little secret: Tiga is the best place in Portland to enjoy a drink—including a wide range of excellent microbrews and some of the best house red wine in the city—next to the member of your favorite band. Tiga seems to be the hangout for PDX’s rock elite, partly because of the fantastic DJ lineup, which includes singers and record-label owners who spin rare vinyl 7-inches and lots of Motown. It’s almost classy compared to the deluge of dive bars, and the perfect stop for a weeknight drink, $2 plate of excellent white-bean dip with toasted bread, and quick catch-up with an old friend.
What to drink: House red wine, Ninkasi Total Domination IPA.
Happy hour: $3 well drinks and $1 off draft pints 5-7 pm Monday-Saturday.
Entertainment: The best DJ sets in Portland, Wi-Fi.
Tonic Lounge
One of the most awesomely schizophrenic bars in Portland, the Tonic Lounge comprises two distinct drinking spaces, divided by a hallway. On one side you have an almost English pub setting, with a fireplace, TVs and a laid-back feel; on the other is a stage that plays host to genres from hip-hop to metal. It may feel odd to be relaxing by the fire while screams of anarchy come from the local punk band mere feet away, but after a few house cocktails (they change every night) you probably won’t even notice.
What to drink: Daily specialty drinks, including the $6 watermelon Long Island.
Happy hour: $3 well drinks and drafts 4-7 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Pool, live music, jukebox.
Tugboat Brewing
Tucked into a small corner of downtown, this wonderfully homey hole in the wall buzzes with a comfortable cacophony of 10 different table-top conversations among flannel-wearing patrons and a barkeep who radiates “I’ll bring it out to you” friendliness. Dog-eared books line the pub’s wall alongside old photos of bare-knuckled boxers. And, oh yeah, the brewery’s stouts and ales all have an awesome kick.
What to drink: The house stout (14 percent alcohol).
Happy hour: $1 off pints, 4-7 pm Monday-Friday.
Entertainment: Live music, board games, cards, dominoes.
Valentine's
This small bar tucked away in an Old Town alley is usually swarming with hip kids yearning for the days of yesteryear when smoking in bars was still legal. Depending on the night, the crowd consists either of music fans decked out in tight, brightly colored clothes, ready to dance to whatever the DJ is spinning, or music fans decked out in tight, blandly colored clothes anticipating the sounds of a local indie band. If you want to catch the real appeal of Valentine’s—a dimly lit bar adorned with abstract art and mod furniture—show up early. When I visited at 8 pm on a Thursday, I was the only person there.
What to drink: A shot of absinthe, $10.
Happy hour: $3 well drinks, drafts and house wines, $1 off food 5-9 pm nightly.
Entertainment: Live music Sunday-Tuesday, DJs, film screenings Wednesday-Saturday.
Vault Martini
Some bars give away matchbooks. Others? T-shirts. Vault Martini, a Pearl District date destination that has the guts to serve a cocktail called the Pooh’tini, is so confident in its femininity it considered in April giving away souvenirs only women could love: those ingenious hookie things that make it possible to hang your purse from the edge of the bar! The cocktail menu at Vault is so extensive it’s divided into handy categories like “sweet,” “savory,” “bubbly” and “chocolates.”
What to drink: The Raspberry Drop, $7.50, tastes like a melted Popsicle—only colder, sweeter and better.
Happy hour: $3 beers, $4-$5 martinis 4-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Fireplace, DJs.
Vendetta
This low-slung bar on North Williams Avenue is thoughtfully designed and even a little sexy, but doesn’t feel pretentious—maybe thanks to the shuffleboard table along one wall, presided over by a mural of stylized, multicolored wasps. In the gray months, pull up a black leather bar stool and pick your poison from the luminous, backlit bar. When the sun shines, Vendetta doubles its appeal with a handsome back patio of raked gravel where rough-hewn picnic tables are scattered among raised planter beds. Stop by on Tall Boy Tuesdays for $1.50 16-ouncers of PBR and Olympia, and don’t leave without tossing some sand on the board and getting your shuffle on.
What to drink: Shot of Jack, Rainier back.
Happy hour: $3 well drinks, 50 cents off beer 3 pm-6 pm daily; $1.50 Rainier Sundays.
Entertainment: Shuffleboard, Wi-Fi, DJs.
Victory
More bars should have windows. The daylight streaming through the storefront panes isn’t the first thing you notice at Victory—that’s probably the wraparound black-leather booths, the vaguely Parisian tin ceiling tiles or the curtains printed with a patchwork of propaganda posters and political cartoons—but you’ll catch it eventually. “Hot damn!” you’ll think, as you sip a glass of potent nutmeg-scented sangria ($6) and peruse the house copy of Francis Ellington Leupp’s 1899 masterpiece, How to Prepare for a Civil Service Examination, with Recent Questions and Answers. “You can read in here!” You’ll have to: Victory’s list of imported beers offers 38 bottles, and the wine selection is only slightly smaller. The crowd is bookish, too; every one of the solo drinkers at a recent visit had a novel in hand.
What to drink: Corpse Reviver No. 4 cocktail (“Too complicated to describe, something to do with gin and Fernet, revive tonight”), $6.
Happy hour: $1 off draft beer and wine, $5 menu 5-7 pm and 10 pm-close Monday-Saturday.
Entertainment: What Will I Become? The Career Game for Boys..
Virginia Cafe
Those who recall the old Virginia Cafe—just around the corner from its current incarnation—remember it fondly: a 90-odd-year-old dark, smoky, endearing two-story club that was perhaps the classiest dive bar in Portland. The new “V.C.” (as the regulars call it) retains much of the charm of its demolished forefather, if not the size and nicotine-stained history. It remains one of the best places to get a huge cheeseburger ($7.50, or $4 during happy hour) and brew ($4-$5 range; not bad for the location) ’round midnight in downtown Portland. Fine glam and New Wave selections still emanate from the same old 100-CD changer, and the old decorations—including winners from the bar’s annual napkin-drawing contest—remain on the walls. But isn’t this latest building (which once housed this very newspaper) scheduled for demolition at some point soon, too?
What to drink: A pint of Guinness ($5.50, or $4.50 for happy hour).
Happy hour: 4-7 pm and 9 pm-midnight.
Entertainment: Video poker.
Widmer Gasthaus Pub
The flagship restaurant of Rob and Kurt Widmer’s wheat-beer label is tucked beneath the interstate overpasses and behind the industrial docks—which makes it no less pleasant a spot to dine al fresco on the popular chicken schnitzel ($13.95). The high-ceilinged dining hall, which sits next to the brewery, feels like a cross between Oktoberfest and a TGI Friday’s—the family-boozing atmosphere makes it a decent place for Dad to take the children for lunch while he watches a ballgame. To catch the Blazers, however, he’ll have to walk across the street to the 104-year-old McMenamins hotel White Eagle (page 8): Even though Widmer Brothers is a Rose Garden sponsor, its bar doesn’t subscribe to Comcast.
What to drink: Hef, $4, with a Widmer root beer for the kid.
Happy hour: $2 pints, food specials noon-5 pm Sunday, 4 pm-close.
Entertainment: TV.
Yen Ha Lounge
We hate to spoil one of Portland’s best-kept secrets, but Yen Ha’s karaoke nights are some of the city’s finest. The intimate size of the recently remodeled bar means one needn’t actually be onstage to be heard by the entire club, and the cheap, mostly Vietnamese bar menu (pot stickers for $2.50!) keeps falling-down drunkenness at bay. And when you get kicked out at the end of the night, there’s a Jack in the Box a few blocks away. Heavenly! Yen Ha used to have a Drew Carey-lookalike bartender that would absolutely kill Cheap Trick’s “Surrender.” We hope he’s still there. Good times.
What to drink: $1 pints of Pabst during happy hour, you cheap bastards.
Happy hour: $3.50 well drinks, $3 microbrew pints 3-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Karaoke, video poker.
Zilla Sake House
Apparently, the Sake Bomb is not the traditional way to partake of Japan’s signature rice wine. That precise and delicate ceremony—shot of sake, pint of Sapporo, splash, chug—is an entirely American invention. Who knew? For a more nuanced and traditional sake experience, duck into Zilla Sake, an intimate, low-lit Alberta sake and sushi house. The vast menu of sakes—hot, cold, sweet, dry, sparkling, flat, clear, cloudy—can be a little overwhelming, but let the staff educate you. Or split the difference with your comfort zone and order one of Zilla’s novel sake cocktails. Or just drown it in a pint of Sapporo and try not to yak on the counter.
What to drink: A tokkuri (sake pitcher) of premium daiginjo sake.
Happy hour: 5-7 pm daily.
Entertainment: Open mic, live music.
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