SHUT UP and VOTE!

[October 20th, 2004]

^GONE WILD!

Enough substance. Bring on the shtick.

Jim Francesconi must be sick of it. Once again, he put a lot of work into something, but Tom Potter, saying little and doing even less, got the credit. At the end of the night, Francesconi was left holding his balls in disbelief.

Monday night's Candidates Gone Wild! debate/extravaganza at the Roseland Theater brimmed with telling moments about candidates for Portland City Council, mayor and the 1st Congressional District (well, one of them). It also featured Spry Films' bull's-eye shorts parodying MTV's Cribs and pushing the candidate Q&A into the realm of the surreal.

But two revealing moments highlighted the event, co-sponsored by Willamette Week, the City Club New Leaders Council and Oregon Bus Project. Republican congressional candidate Goli Ameri, who committed to the debate weeks ago, pulled out at the last minute. Ameri's campaign cited The Oregonian's report last week that incumbent David Wu was involved in an alleged attempted date rape in college, saying the event was now "too lighthearted" for their candidate to come out to play.

Wu, meanwhile, fielded a jarringly serious question about The Oregonian report with aplomb. Wildcard-politico Steve Novick asked Wu why he didn't drop out of his race when he knew the O was preparing its story. The crowd gasped. But Wu quickly redirected the query, explaining that he thinks the district needs representatives who will oppose the Patriot Act (huge cheer) and Iraq war (huger cheer). And since Ameri wasn't there to rebut, Wu came out looking like a champ.

Then there was the bizarrely unlucky and revealing turn of events for Francesconi during the evening's talent competition. Potter strutted out first, characteristically terse as he accepted the crowd's adulation. His chosen talent was juggling ("The mayor has to juggle a lot of things," har har har). Potter made three or four tosses before a ball tumbled to the ground. The audience loved it.

Then out shuffled Francesconi, the onetime frontrunner in this race. Potter had already stolen Francesconi's thunder in the primary, hogging good press by limiting campaign contributions to $25 and stomping the city commissioner by, basically, not being Jim Francesconi.

So what was Francesconi's talent? Yes, juggling. And not only could Francesconi juggle better than Potter, he could also deliver a speech while doing it. Still, by sheer dumb luck (well, by reverse alphabetical order, actually), Potter ended up with all of the pop for the stunt.

The standing-room-only crowd was also treated to City Council candidate Nick Fish's stunning and proud collection of SpongeBob SquarePants memorabilia featured in his Cribs episode. Not to be outdone, Fish opponent Sam Adams showed off his rejected campaign slogans ("Sam Adams: Gay, Single," followed by his phone number).

Of course, this being a beer-fueled affair involving men on stilts, limericks (or at least an attempt) and foam fingers, the mood stayed buoyant throughout. Fish even tried his hand at stand-up comedy, which, to his credit, could have turned out much worse.

Some might scoff at the lightheartedness of CGW, especially in such a heated election season. But after a year of hearing these candidates speak, ad infinitum, about liquidating the city motor pool and reforming public employees' benefits, sometimes the best way to judge them is by hearing them make fun of their own fake hair.

^Porn to Run!

Porn and politics bump and grind synergistically in an erotic flick benefiting the Kerry campaign.

With the hotly contested election looming, nothing brings our country together like pornography. At least that's the theory behind Fahrenheit 69: The Porn for Kerry DVD.

A group of Ivy League grads, appalled by the prospect of four more years of Bush, seized the opportunity to meld their passions for business, politics and porn into Porn for Progress. The crew, led by Executive Director "Dick Tater," a 23-year-old Wharton biz-school alum, spent two months creating this full-length film, which retails for $19.99 (more info at www.pornforprogress.com).

Tater declined to release specifics on sales, other than to say they're better on the East Coast, where the project has gotten more publicity (he says 10 tapes have been shipped to Oregon ZIP codes).

The action in Fahrenheit 69 is not simulated, according to Tater, who insists that the characters and situations are fictional--any resemblance to real life is coincidental, as seen by the scene descriptions he provided:

*

On a secretive mission to Abu Garrabe [sic] Prison, Secretary of Defense Donnie Cumsfeld meets soldier Lyndie Dickland to learn the truth behind the abuse. But Donnie is in over his head when the leash is put on him!

*

Jorge Bush thought this hot-tub business meeting with King Fakh of Sexy Alabia would be, well, all business. But His Highness always knows how to entertain guests with his personal squad of sex minions. A hilarious take on the dangers of Middle East oil dependency.

* First daughter Jenteal Bush has got bigger problems than alcoholism when a group of sexy Homeland Security agents raid her sorority house! The right's moral hypocrisy is exposed in uproarious, amazingly hot fashion.

Figuring that contributing smut money directly to Kerry might not be appreciated, Porn for Progress instead is funneling proceeds from pre-election sales to undisclosed groups working to beat Bush. After the polls close, Porn for Progress becomes a profit-driven enterprise intent on becoming the Ben & Jerry's of erotica. "We make politically conscious porn," Tater says. "We want to make you think before you blow your load.

^CORNERED!

One candidate. Three questions. (NICK FISH)

Your opponent, Sam Adams, says when you were on the board of the Housing Authority of Portland you voted "yes" 623 times and never voted "no." What's up with that?

I haven't verified Sam's numbers, but I can tell you I disagreed frequently with staff and my fellow commissioners. I did so in preliminary meetings which were open to the public. The best example is when I opposed a project [developer] Homer Williams pitched for a Frank Gehry-designed affordable housing project. I said that didn't fit with our mission and took a lot of flack for it.

Sam also knocks your being slow to support a proposal that would "register City Hall lobbyists to end backroom deals."

He's just trying to create a distraction. I was the only candidate who testified in favor of clean money at the first hearing held on Commissioner [Erik] Sten's proposal. I support the principle; I'm just not sure public funding of campaigns is the answer in these economic times. As for backroom deals, where was Sam in the past 11 years when those kinds of deals were getting done? Right there in City Hall.

What's one example of how you'd reform city government?

The Water Bureau is the poster child for dysfunctional government. Despite having the two greatest natural advantages a city can have--water that doesn't need filtering and a gravity-fed supply--we have the highest combined water and sewer rates in the country. Instead of fancy projects like putting a filtration plant on Powell Butte and burying reservoirs, we ought to be looking at out-of-date work rules, antiquated technology and the excessive use of consultants. You clean up a bureau that brings in its own money like water and then take the lessons to other bureaus.

^BATTLE PLAN

YOUR GUIDE TO THIS WEEK'S POLITICAL WARPATH

* WEDNESDAY, OCT. 20 *

Party hard and educate yourself about the ballot while enjoying refreshing beverages and food with fellow voters. Door prizes, George W. Bush joke contest, music and much more.

Night Light Lounge, 2100 SE Clinton St., 731-6500. 3-10 pm. Nonsmoking and all-ages until 8 pm.

* SATURDAY, OCT. 23 *

Running and walking enthusiasts eager to pick bones with the incumbent administration are encouraged to join the "Race Against Bush" in a quick 5k run-walk. T-shirts and buttons are available for a donation. Participants are encouraged to bring their ballots to drop them off in mailboxes along the way.

Meet at Eastbank Esplanade under the Hawthorne Bridge, 977-7807. 9 am.

What do you get when you take a bunch of activist filmmakers and set their sights on the upcoming presidential election? Bushwhacked!, a collection of film shorts that are both funny and troubling, often at the same time. Featuring new work from Michael Moore, Eric Henry, Brian Boyce, Guerrilla News Network and many more.

Guild Theater, 829 SW 9th Ave., 221-1156. www.ticketweb.com. 10 pm. $7 advance, $8 door.

*SUNDAY, OCT. 24 *

Support MoveOn.org and enjoy a benefit reading of the anti-Bush satire OediBush Rex with a live cast playing the roles of Bush, Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and the rest of the wacky neocon gang.

Berbati's Restaurant, 19 SW 2nd Ave., 231-8911. 6:30 pm. $10 donation suggested.

* TUESDAY, OCT. 26 *

Pacific Green Party U.S. Senate candidate Teresa Keane, who's fighting an uphill battle against incumbent Democrat Ron Wyden, explains why she and other Greens would do a better job than the Republicans and Democrats. Important issues on Keane's mind include the environment, single-payer health care, family-wage jobs and an end to the Iraq war.

West Linn Public Library, 1595 Burns St., 235-0300. 7-9 pm.