For the first time in my adult life, I decided to try my hand at a sober January (a.k.a Dry January/Dryuary/Sobruary).

I'm happy to say that it was a fulfilling experience. I got a lot done, lost a little weight, and was better able to focus on the goals and resolutions I'd set for the new year. Also, just for the fun of it, I kept a notebook and filled it with all of the thoughts I had while sober. I figured that if people keep trip journals to log their experiences while on hallucinogens, then I should keep track of my adventures as a temporary sober person.

Below are a select few passages from my sober diary:

January 3
So far, it's been pretty easy to avoid drinking alcohol, though I don't say that to belittle those who suffer from alcoholism. In fact, I have a deep respect for anyone who admits they have a problem and sets out to find a solution. But luckily, I don't have a problem, and I'm fortunate enough to be able to give up drinking quickly and easily.

Although, I should also mention that I haven't slept in three days. I'm actually not entirely sure how or if sober people sleep at all. Without the soothing aid of drugs and alcohol, I lie awake at night, staring patiently up at the ceiling and realizing that without booze, there is no escape from the prison of my own mind.

I definitely don't have a problem, tho.

January 7
After a full week of sobriety, I decided to attend an AA meeting because I heard they give free chips to sober people. But when I got there, I learned that AA passes out God-themed poker chips and not, like, Doritos. So I left.

January 12
I told an old friend that I'd given up drinking for a while. He looked at me funny and asked, "What did you do?" I asked what he meant by that, and he said, "I mean, did you get a DUI or something? Isn't that the only reason you'd go sober?"

It probably isn't a good sign when your friends think that all of your healthy choices were court ordered.

January 14
I've gotten super into coffee recently. I looked it up online, and apparently it's fairly common for people who've given up boozing to obsess over coffee. But I'm still on a budget, so instead of collecting cold brew drip towers or gilded coffee presses, I've been doing side-by-side taste comparisons of all the various Kroger brand coffee blends.

I have to remember, though, that not everyone shares my newfound passion for coffee. Just yesterday, I was visiting with friends and interrupted an otherwise pleasant conversation to tell the group just how much I prefer Kroger's French Roast to Kroger's Premium Blend; because when I drink a cup of coffee, I want to be able to taste its Frenchness.

My friends nodded politely before asking how much longer I was going to do the whole "not drinking thing." But who knows? Maybe this is just who I am now.

January 20
I've been watching a lot of Frasier recently.

January 29
I've become the kind of person who refers to alcohol as "poison." If I'm at a dinner party and someone offers me a sip of wine, I don't simply say "No thank you." Instead, I twist my face into an expression of utter disgust, rapidly shake my head back and forth, and use the snootiest, most condescending voice I can muster to say, "Oh no. I don't put poison in my body."

I've also become the kind of person who says, "I for one don't need alcohol to have a good time" without any prompting whatsoever. In fact, I will occasionally walk into a busy bar, throw my hands up in the air, and shout, "I FOR ONE DON'T NEED ALCOHOL TO HAVE A GOOD TIME" at the top of my lungs before returning home to enjoy yet another night of exuberant smugness.

January 31
Last night, I drew an "X" on each of my hands and beat the shit out of some drunk guy outside of a concert. Then I went home, cleaned the blood from my knuckles, and listened to a Black Flag album while polishing my Doc Martens.

I fear that sobriety has gotten the best of me, and I can only pray that February arrives before it's too late.