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When I was informed that certain fans of my historical testimonies have referred to them as "clickbait," I was initially confused. While I am a progressive man by nature (I recently had a sleek dumbwaiter installed in my house), and I accept that language is constantly evolving, this is the first time I had heard this modern portmanteau.
It has been explained to me that "clickbait" is a piece of writing that inspires wonderment in a reader, who then seeks out a pen with a retractable tip and clicks it repetitively in intense contemplation. So in that regard, thank you, loyal readers. My pledge to you is that I will do everything in my power to continue producing fine clickbaits for you to ponder.
Also, in honor of your flattering compliment, I have conducted some historical research on traditional clickbait forms. Here now is a missive that I hope meets the archetypal definition of a clickbait: a listicle.
Five Mind-Blowing Facts Every Portland Hipster Transplant Should Know. You Won't Believe No. 4!
1. Poseidon once rated Portland his second-favorite American land-city behind only Billings, Mont.
2. From 1975 to 1985, Portland implemented a "Baby Raffle" program. Under this controversial program, any child born in a Portland-area hospital would become temporary property of the government, and the parents would be given raffle tickets. Every month, a drawing would be held to determine the order in which the proud parents would choose one baby from the pool of available babies. Many other cities followed Portland's example in enacting the Baby Raffle, although there are few remaining in the United States today.
3. One easy way to tell the difference between Portland natives and transplants is the terminology they use to describe Portland. For example, although street signs and maps divide Portland into five "quadrants," many longtime Portland residents identify anything east of the Willamette River as Starboard Portland. Anything west of the river is Port Portland. This is why Vancouver, Wash., is sometimes referred to as Portland's Aft.
4. Portland was founded in a heavily wooded area. To entice settlers to come, city founders Asa Lovejoy and Francis Pettygrove knew the trees had to be removed. Most of the trees were chopped down, but the roots and stumps remained. Asked if he knew an easy way to get rid of them, Lovejoy famously said, "Hmm, that's a great question." That's how Portland got its first nickname: Stumpedtown.
5. The city got its actual name by a coin flip. Initially, Lovejoy, who was from Omaha, and Pettygrove, who was from Tacoma, wished to name their new city "Tacomaha." However, they also thought "Portland" sounded like a pretty sweet name. When they flipped the penny, which is still on display at the Oregon Historical Society, it came up tails for "Tacomaha," but Pettygrove chimed in, "Best three out of five?
Willamette Week