Like having a child, owning a cat in 2016 is primarily an avenue toward viral fame. Yes, the companionship is great. But if you play your Instagrams and Snapchats right, your little furball can become a cash cow.
Sadly, in the two years I've owned my cat, he has failed me. Sure, his photos get an OK amount of likes, and he even appeared in WW earlier this year. And yet, here I am, no more internet rich than I was before I got him.
I'm not giving up, though. This week, Portland welcomes the Amazing Acro-Cats, a traveling troupe of skilled felines that has been trained to jump through hoops, walk tightropes, even play music—all things my little guy could totally do.
Here is my formal Acro-Cats application.
Gender: We've chosen to identify him as male until further notice.
Breed: Is it possible for a baby otter, a cartoon skunk and a corgi to procreate and produce a cat somehow? If so, that's his breed.
Weight: Roughly that of a Safeway party sub.
Height: Roughly that of a Safeway party sub propped up against a wall.
Strengths: Enjoys human interaction to an almost suspicious degree. Has a 13-inch vertical. Is an angel from heaven. Looks great in a bow tie.
Weaknesses: Takes an inordinate amount of time to leap small distances. Adept at scaling tall objects, but looks like someone freaking out on a water slide coming down. Hasn't yet figured out how to catch flying insects and glints of light. Has a "girl head," according to his vet. Kind of an asshole at night.
Musical ability: Limited, though he sometimes makes this noise that sounds like Auto- Tuned gobbling.
The Wall Walk: Builds up a head of steam by furiously sprinting around the apartment, then propels himself up a flat surface like Bo Jackson running down a fly ball.
The Scaling of Kilimanjaro: Skitters up his scratching post like a contestant on American Ninja Warrior, then stands triumphantly on top. As previously noted, it takes him a while to get down.
The Log Roll: Leaps from a standing position and clings to my shirt, clawing his way up to my shoulder. When I lean over to deposit him on a couch or the floor, he runs in the opposite direction until I give up, and he falls asleep draped across my back for 20 minutes.
The Fetch: It's just him playing fetch. But he started doing it with no prompting or training. In fact, he basically trained us to throw his dumb toys so he can bring them back.
GO: The Amazing Acro-Cats are at Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., on Saturday and Sunday, June 25-26. 3 and 8 pm Saturday, 1 and 6 pm Sunday. $21-$36. Under 21 permitted with legal guardian.