April 1 Isn’t All Fools’ Day This Year

I suspect you were hoping to get me to play along by saying something about Elon Musk is now accepting Bitcoin for timeshares in Atlantis.

(Sam Gehrke)

What will happen after people realize the best locale to shelter in place is underwater? Fifty thousand porpoises and dolphins cannot be wrong. —Karl B.

Two things, Karl: First, even in the planet's current state of extreme environmental degradation, you're undercounting the world's stock of small cetaceans by at least one order of magnitude. Second, quarantine has clearly driven you crazier than a shithouse rat; you should probably put a cold cloth on your forehead and go lie down for a little while.

I kid, I kid! Actually, the timing of your letter (and its bizarre contents) suggests that you realized that the publication date of today's column will be April 1, All Fools' Day. I suspect you were hoping to get me to play along by saying something about Elon Musk is now accepting Bitcoin for timeshares in Atlantis.

Indeed, depending on how devoid of ideas/hungover I was today, I might have done so, except for one thing: April 1 isn't All Fools' Day this year—at least, not according to the Organisation Internationale de Normalisation, the granddaddy of all worldwide standards organizations.

Better known in the U.S. by its English acronym, ISO (you may recall it from your camera settings), this United Nations of Bean Counting is in charge of making sure the world agrees on standards for everything from grades of crude oil to mathematical formulae. Among the many items in this vast portfolio is the calendar.

You saw it coming: On March 23, the ISO's Technical Committee on Horology (it means "timekeeping," you pervert), issued what they, delightfully, refer to as a "corrigendum." This document officially sent All Fools' Day 2020 the way of the NBA season, Coachella and happy hour.

"In light of [the holiday's] potential to endanger social distancing norms, disrupt economic activity, and undermine social cohesion…we are advising member nations to postpone its observance until Oct. 1," said Dr. Avril T. Buffon, killjoy-in-chief, in a much, much, much longer statement.

In other words, we've got enough problems right now without you putting an M-80 in Grandpa's bedpan. As my editor put it in our virtual pitch meeting, "If somebody tries an April Fool's prank on me this year, I will violate quarantine—briefly—to murder them." He's probably not the only one.

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