Damon, 'Sheed and the demon weed.

Dear Nose:
I saw the press conference the day after Damon Stoudamire and Rasheed Wallace were busted with a bag of weed in Damon's yellow Hummer near Centralia, Wash. He said that the truth will come out on Dec. 6, or, as he put it, "people will see what is up." Do you have any idea what his defense will be?

--Anxious fan from Laurelhurst

Dear Anxious,
The Nose is pretty sure that celebrity lawyer Steven Houze--who defended Damon when a pound of pot was found in his crawlspace back in February--has not yet figured out what the "truth" is in this matter. But it's the Nose's understanding that given Damon's frail physical condition--he's lost his starting position on the Blazers, you know--Houze will argue that Damon was just carrying medical marijuana.

Dear Nose:
How do Damon and Rasheed avoid getting the "munchies" during a three-hour pro game?

--Kevin from Clackamas

Dear Kevin,
The two are highly disciplined athletes. (Plus--halftime, dude!)

Dear Noseguy,
After the Centralia bust, general manager Bob Whitsitt said that if Wallace and Stoudamire are found guilty, "the organization will take appropriate action." What does that mean?

--Wondering in Wilsonville

Dear Wondering,
Players will be required to attend workshops on swallowing illicit substances in a hurry and inserting them in suppository form. Plus, as punishment, owner Paul Allen will convert his "Jammin 95.5" radio station from hip-hop to the long-threatened 24-hour Liberace format.

Hey Nose,
My son plays junior-varsity basketball at high school and is a huge fan of Bonzi Wells. He read how Bonzi spat on San Antonio's Danny Ferry and how he often calls white opponents "fucking honkies." My question is: Is it OK for my son to spit on black players?

--Puzzled Paleface in Parkrose

Dear Puzzled,
Blazers team policy actually calls for players to spit on the fans rather than opponents, but if the Blazers don't care, why should your son's jayvee league?

Dearest Nose,
How does a good guy like Derek Anderson get along with the likes of the rest of the Blazers, many of whom are pot-smoking, woman-beating, nanny-raping malcontents?

--John in St. Johns

Dear John,
Don't buy that "I'm a good guy" routine from that character! Don't you know he's awaiting trial in the Balkans for crimes against humanity?

Noseman:
The recent pot bust must be driving the Blazers marketing department bananas! How are they going to overcome this bad PR?

--Dick

Dear Dick,
Sources say plans for "The Chronic Night" at the Rose Garden are well underway, with Dr. Dre bringing down the hiz-ouse singing the national anthem and free Blazer "pick-and-roll" papers for the first 420 Hawthorne-area fans.

Schnozzfella,
Don't you think the Blazers should bring someone to Portland who will improve the quality of the team's character?

--Clyde in Houston

Clyde,
Word is Bob Whitsitt's actively trying to sign Latrell Sprewell.

WWeek 2015