In recent days your
normally truthworthy postman (I suppose the liberals would have us say
postperson!) may have delivered a letter labeled "Official Election
Ballot." DO NOT OPEN THIS. It is very important that you immediately
destroy that document and instead vote by printing your name and signing
this piece of paper and mailing it to the address below.
Because of a clause
quietly inserted in an otherwise cogent state law authorizing game
wardens to manually masturbate trout as part of Oregon's breeding
program—our good Conservative legislators wisely do not waste time
reading about fish, especially when the content is vaguely
pornographic—your Romney ballot will not be counted and your personal
information and credit card number will be forwarded to illegal aliens,
who may come to evict you from your own home.
It is only by using
this ballot that you, as a Good Christian, can vote for Mitt Romney, a
man who openly admits he does not believe the Bible to be God's final
word, instead of the guy who says he is a Christian but is also black.
To vote, you must mail this piece of paper to:
Willamette Week Voter Suppression Effort
c/o Multnomah County Republican Party
11616 NE Halsey St., Portland, OR 97220
You can also drop the
ballot off in person: Republican Headquarters are across the street
from Radio Shack, between Hi Five Smoke Shop and Don's Dugout. As the
Grand Wizard of the Multnomah County Party of Republicans, I thank you
for your careful attention to this matter.
God bless America,
MARTIN CIZMAR
Headout Picks
WEDNESDAY OCT. 31
DIGITAL UNDERGROUND
[MUSIC] Watch in horror as a room of frat
boys in pimp costumes lose their shit to âThe Humpty Danceâ! Seriously,
though, Oakland hip-hop crew Digital Underground accomplished a lot
more than creating a karaoke staple for uncoordinated white guys. Refuge, 116 SE Yamhill St. 9 pm. $13 advance, $20 day of show, $75 VIP.
BUG-COOKING DEMO
[FOOD] Jamaican field-cricket kabobs,
scorpion scaloppine and wasabi-glazed waxworms: These are actual things
âbug chefâ David George Gordon will be making at Paxton Gate. Beats
caramel apples. Paxton Gate, 4204 N Mississippi Ave., 719-4508. 7-9 pm. Free.
THURSDAY NOV. 1
MORTIFIED LIVE
[EMBARRASSMENT] Celebrating all that is
awkward, wonderful and hilarious about adolescence, Portlanders share
their most humiliating childhood artifacts: love letters, poetry,
journals and more. Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan St., 223-4527. 8 pm. $12-$15. 21+.
FRIDAY NOV. 2
POâSHINES CHITLIN AND JAMBALAYA FEST
[FOOD] Chitlins are pig intestines. Itâs a
Southern thing. North Portland nonprofit soul-food cafe PoâShines
raises money for the eateryâs culinary-training program for at-risk
kids.PoâShines Cafe de la Soul, 8139 N Denver Ave., 978-9000. Friday-Saturday, Nov. 2-3.
ORYCON
[GEEK] Now in its 34th year, OryCon is
Portlandâs oldest sci-fi convention. This yearâs con, titled âApocalypse
How?,â will feature a masquerade ball, art show, writers workshop,
sci-fi-related vendors and special guests. Portland Doubletree Hotel,
1000 NE Multnomah St. 10 am-8 pm Nov. 2, 10 am-9pm Nov. 3, 10 am-2 pm
Nov. 4. $60 at door, children 6-12 $30, children 5 and under free. Info
at 34. orycon.org.
SATURDAY NOV. 3
HITCHCOCK FESTIVAL
[MOVIES] Alfred Hitchcock is getting
extra attention this fall thanks to a feature film and an HBO original
movie. See Hitchcockâs best films, including Vertigo, Psycho and Rear Window. Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st Ave. Multiple showtimes, Nov. 2-7. See cinema21.com for schedule.
TUESDAY NOV. 6
ELECTION DAY
[VOTE] Tuesday is either going to be great or the last day weâre happy to live in this country for a long while. Bolt Bus to Vancouver, B.C., leaves at 6:30 am Wednesday, Nov. 7. $18 one way. boltbus.com.
WWeek 2015
Martin Cizmar
Martin Cizmar is the former Arts & Culture editor.
Willamette Week’s reporting has real-life impact that changes laws, forces action by civic leaders, and drives compromised politicians from public office.
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