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Make Your Own Vince Vaughnedy

Coming to a theater near you within the next decade.

Unfinished Business
The Internship.
The Dilemma
Dodgeball

Déjà vu is not an unexpected or entirely undesirable feeling when one ventures into the Vince Vaughn genre. The pickup artist from Swingers has carved a niche for himself, and a Vince Vaughn joint has been one of the most consistent, albeit frequently underwhelming, cinematic experiences over the past decade.

With Unfinished Business screening after press deadlines—quel dommage!—Willamette Week has decided to be proactive: We're making our own Vince Vaughnedy. And so can you with a little help from a six-sided die. 

A._______ (Vince Vaughn) is a schlubby yet still lovable blue-collar wiseass, cruising around in his car with his trusty sidekick B.______ while they sing C. ______ out loud, poorly. He soon learns that D. ______. Despite being the gregarious if prickly leader of his group of friends, Vaughn's character just can't seem to manage his E. ________. He's a born loser. Sure, women adore him, and his sidekick will always be by his side, but that won't solve his problem. Or so we think. After a small hint of success, Vaughn rallies his troops with an inspirational speech about F. ________, and it works…briefly. Then it all goes to hell, and Vince Vaughn quits the team until he G. ________, convincing him to rejoin his team. They finally pull it together and win. Also, Vince Vaughn gets the hot chick, H. __________________. Fin.

A.

1.
Dave
2.
Peter
3.
Ronnie
4
. Trent
5
. Rick
6
. Vince

B.

1
. Owen Wilson
2
. Luke Wilson
3
. Kevin James
4
. Steve the Pirate
5
. Jon Favreau
6
. Owen Wilson

C.

1.
“Ironic” by Alanis Morrissette
2
. “Detroit Rock City” by Kiss
3
. “Thunderstruck” by AC/DC
4
. “Master of Puppets” by Metallica
5
. “Boyz-n-the-Hood” by Eazy-E
6
. “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond

D.

1
. he’s going to lose his job
2
. he’s going to lose his gym
3
. he’s going to lose his wife/girlfriend
4
. he’s going to lose out on a big business deal
5
. he’s going to lose his sidekick to an attractive woman
6
. his quidditch team is going to lose

E.

1
. finances
2
. excessive sperm donorship
3
. life
4
. time
5
. gambling problem
6
. marriage

F.

1
. going to Applebee’s alone
2
. wrestling the dragon alone
3
. Flashdance
4
. football
5
. how money you are (and you don’t even know it)
6
. being true to yourself

G.

1
. meets Lance Armstrong
2
. realizes how flawed his marriage is
3
. realizes he loves the sex-crazed redhead
4
. lets Kevin James beat him up
5
. gets to know his 533 biological offspring
6
. learns the true meaning of Christmas

H.

1
. the sex-crazed redhead
2
. his wife
3
. the girl he knocked up
4
. his bi-curious teammate
5
. Jennifer Connelly
6
. Tapioca
 

SEE IT: Unfinished Business is rated R. It opens Friday at most Portland-area theaters.