Things to Do This Week in Portland: May 11 to 17

Thursday May 12

Gild Grand Opening

[BADA-BLING] Division's newest sleek boutique opens with gold manicures for all. It'll also raffle off Baleen jewelry—the minimalist metals you'd see at Noun or Woonwinkel—and OTBT shoes that would normally burn a $150-sized hole in your calfskin wallet. Gild Shoes, 3370 SE Division St., 503-236-8209. 6 pm. Free.

Speechless

[PITCHIN'] Without any idea what they're getting in to, local comedians give an improvised PowerPoint presentation. As the pre-prepared slides roll, Shannon Graves, Chad Parsons, Brad Fortier and the hilariously unfiltered Caitlin Weierhauser will attempt TED Talks, startup pitches and seminar speeches, goaded on by Lez Stand Up's Kirsten Kuppenbender as emcee. The Siren Theater, 315 NW Davis St., sirentheater.com. 8 pm. $16.

P.R.E.A.M. Ecliptic Dinner

[BEER] Right on the heels of John Harris' 30th anniversary of brewing beer, the hip-hop pizza shop will be making beer cocktails from his Ecliptic beers—gin and gose, a tequila-mezcal cocktail with Orbiter IPA—paired still further with cookout fare like a meatball burger and chicken-fried potato chips (!). P.R.E.A.M., 2131 SE 11th Ave., 503-231-2809. 6-9 pm.

Friday May 13

Richmond Fontaine

[FADING AMERICANA] Yet another Portland institution is being put to rest: Richmond Fontaine's 11th LP, the bittersweet You Can't Go Back If There's Nothing to Go Back To, will be the band's last. As ever, it's rapt with images taken from the fringes of Oregonian life—too-young strippers, too-full houses in Felony Flats—serving as a eulogy not just to the band, but to Portland itself. Star Theater, 13 NW 6th Ave., startheaterportland.com. 9 pm. $12. 21+.

Saturday May 14

St. Johns Bizarre

[STREET FAIR] The only Portland street festival that matters, the Bizarre saved its strongest music lineup yet for its 10th anniversary, with long-running crash-pop duo Quasi, late-night R&B throwback (and reigning WW Best New Band) Chanti Darling and Mean Jeans spinoff Patsy's Rats among the highlights. North Lombard Street at Philadelphia Avenue, stjohnsbizarre.com. Free. 10 am.

Sunday May 15

Clothing Swap

[BETTER THAN THE BINS] No kids, no bras, no weird smells. The Crystal's sixth annual clothing swap lets you take home as many clothes as you can stuff in your bag. How much you enjoy this "naked lady" party for the entire Portland metro area will depend on how many mimosas you get at the bar. Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St., crystalballroompdx.com. 11 am. $9 and a bag of clothes.

Willamette Week