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Would you pretty much rather be at home and think partying at a library sounds cool?
Loud at the Library: Usually libraries are just for quiet, respectful porn addicts. Not tonight! The Beaverton City Library has mini-golf, laser tag, a photo booth, drinks and a dance party. Beaverton City Library, 12375 SW 5th St., Beaverton, 503-526-3705, beavertonlibraryfoundation.com. 9 pm-12:30 am. $30, $50 two tickets.
Would you pretty much rather be at home but are up for a nice, clean night of nonthreatening comedy?
Ryan Hamilton: Hang at Helium for some clean comedy with the Idaho Mormon version of Howdy Doody, except funny. (You can still drink even if he doesn't.) Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., portland.heliumcomedy.com. 8 and 10:30 pm. $39-$59. 21+.
If you'd really rather be home and watching Netflix…
The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Bring your favorite costumes and props, because it's sure to be a big one. Champagne will be available for those over 21. Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton St., cstpdx.com. 9 pm. $10.
If you'd really rather be home and Netflix and chill…
Glitz & Glam Party: This is for those who want way more than one New Year's kiss. Bring anything but a Utilikilt to the "upscale" sex club—Utilikilts are prohibited. Club Privata, 824 SW 1st Ave., 503-954-2701, clubprivata.com. 8 pm-4 am. $50-$150. 21+.
If you'd really rather be home and playing video games…
Ground Kontrol Free Play: All the machines are at your disposal, and coins are a distant memory. Find your favorite and bunker in, pausing only for Champagne. Ground Kontrol, 511 NW Couch St., groundkontrol.com. 5 pm-close. $15. 21+.
If you'd rather store food for the winter, inside your body and like exotic interesting food…
Biwa Japanese buffet: Wagyu short rib! Oysters! Soba for good luck! Biwa, 215 SE 9th Ave., 503-239-8830, biwaizakaya.com. $65.
Kachka: The Russian super-premium zakuski experience is snacks and lots of vodkas and chef Bonnie Morales' actual real-life dad dressed up as Father Frost. Kachka, 720 SE Grand Ave., 503-235-0059, kachkapdx.com.
Stammtisch: The Germans like to get fat as hell, apparently, with a three-course meal of sausage-and-kraut choucroute garnie, pumpkin tart and foie gras. Free bubbly at midnight. Stammtisch, 401 NE 28th Ave., 503-206-7983, stammtischpdx.com. $40.
If you'd rather store food for the winter, inside your body and only want chocolate…
Pix Chocolate Buffet: Resolutions are overrated. With just one drink after 11 pm, you get access to Pix's chocolate buffet full of mousse, cake, meringue, ice cream, truffles and beer. Pix Pâtisserie, 2225 E Burnside St., 971-271-7166, pixpatisserie.com, 11 pm-2 am.
If you're tryna get LIT, like fucked-up and turnt as a prelude to the questionable sex you plan to have and want to go out on the Westside…
Splash Bar + Old Town: Portland is not Miami (thank God), but for your last night of 2016, pretend you're in Miami and end the year with a splash of Red Bull, a splash of an AMF, and watermelon Smirnoff. Splash Bar, 904 NW Couch St., 503-893-5551, splashbarpdx.com. 7 pm-2 am. $30. 21+.
If you're tryna get LIT, like fucked-up and turnt as a prelude to the questionable sex you plan to have and don't know where you want to go out…
BarFly Bus: Bar-hop around Portland while getting really drunk on a bus! No Uber surges, no cover charges. After, there's a party at a private club with free coffee and doughnuts. BarFly Bus Tours, barflybus.com. 7 pm-4 am. $25-$45. 23+ (not a typo).
If you're tryna get LIT, like fucked-up and turnt because Fuck 2016 because Trump…
Crush Fuck 2016: As a Trump presidency looms, so does the fear of LGBTQ rights getting taken away. Build up your resistance with alcohol! Crush Bar, 1400 SE Morrison St., 503-235-8150, crushbar.com. 9 pm-2 am. Free entry. 21+.
If you're tryna get LIT, like fucked-up and turnt because Fuck 2016 because of the dead rock stars…
Conquistador Fuck 2016: Cry into your tequila and dance to music from some of the legends who were lost this year. Conquistador Lounge, 2045 SE Belmont St., 503-232-3227. 9 pm-2 am. Free entry. 21+.
If you're tryna get LIT, like fucked-up and turnt because Fuck 2016 because of the dead bars…
End of Jimmy Mak's: Losing major jazz hub Jimmy Mak's is a true bummer. It goes out not with a 20-minute standup bass solo but with funked-up soul covers. Jimmy Mak's, 221 NW 10th Ave., 503-295-6542, jimmymaks.com. 7:30 and 10 pm. $15-$25. Early show all ages, late show 21+.
If you're tryna get LIT, like fucked-up and turnt because Fuck 2016 and you want to travel back in time to change it…
An Infinite New Year's: That's right, a time-travel-themed night carnival at a warehouse space underneath the bridge, promising "the city's finest fringe artists." The Steep and Thorny Way to Heaven, Southeast 2nd Avenue and Hawthorne Boulevard, thesteepandthornywaytoheaven.com. 9:30 pm-3 am. $18 advance, $25 at door.
If you're just keepin' it festive and just want to dance…
Soul Night and Disco Party: Ural Thomas drummer Cooky Parker and other throwback-minded DJs spin rare '60s soul before midnight, then turn it up with '70s and '80s boogie funk after the ball drops. Eagle's Lodge, 4904 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-232-7505. 8 pm. $15, $10 with two cans of donated food. 21+.
DJ Anjali & the Incredible Kid with Orquestra Pacifico: Tropical DJ Anjali's annual globetrotting mashup is Portland's New Year's Rockin' Eve, swapping Ryan Seacrest for reggaeton, and Bon Jovi for red-hot live cumbia from Orquestra Pacifico Tropical. The Melody Ballroom, 615 SE Alder St., eventbrite.com. 9 pm. $20-$35. 21+.
Lez Do It An inclusive dance party for lesbian women, trans women, genderqueer people and everyone fun, featuring DJs Chelsea Starr and Mister Charming. Killingsworth Dynasty, 832 N Killingsworth St., 503-234-5683 killingsworthdynasty.com, 9 pm. $8-$10 includes Champagne toast.
Lumbertwink: BYO beard, fellas. Funhouse Lounge, 2432 SE 11th Ave., 503-841-6734, beardlandia.com, 9 pm-2 am. $20, $10 if wearing plaid or union suit.
If you're just keepin' it festive and just want to watch music from a certain decade…
('00s) Fruition: Without tastemaker support, this jam-adjacent roots crew has become one of Portland's biggest live draws, capable of packing the Wonder not just for New Year's Eve but the two nights preceding it. Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., wonderballroom.com. 9 pm. $29.50 advance, $35 day of show. 21+.
('90s )Art Alexakis and Leigh Nash: The voice of Sixpence None the Richer and the soul patch of Everclear go unplugged for a night of "songs and stories." Hopefully, Art tells the one about stealing Pete Krebs' girlfriend. Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta St., albertarosetheatre.com. 9 pm. $40 advance, $50 day of show, $60 preferred seating. Under 21 permitted with legal guardian.
('70s) Caleb Klauder's Rhinestone Cowboy Bash: Honky-tonk stalwart Caleb Klauder typically prefers dust over diamonds, but he'll sparkle shit up on the most glittery night of the year. Attendees are encouraged to don their blingiest Western wear. The Spare Room, 4830 NE 42nd Ave., spareroomrestaurantandlounge.com. 9 pm. $15
If you want to dance and are feeling super heroin-funky…
Tribute to Amy Winehouse: The loss of Amy Winehouse in 2011 still stings. Tonight, the Way Downs team with a slew of vocalists in tribute. The Secret Society, 116 NE Russell St., 9 pm, $25-30, 21+.
If you want to dance and are feeling super Valium-funky…
Chanti Darling & Natasha Kmeto: Willamette Week's reigning Best New Band parties with satiny synths like it's 1989, while Natsha Kmeto's electro-soul teases a future yet to arrive. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 9 pm, $22.50-25, 21+.
If you want to dance and are feeling super weed-funky…
Pharcyde: Old Town Greek restaurant Alexis is being reborn as Nyx, a two-story club soft-opening with classic L.A. rap crew the Pharcyde. Nyx, 215 W Burnside St., 9 pm, $50-150, 21+.
If you want to dance and are feeling super MDMA-funky…
Last Artful Dodgr and Dylan Stark: Other than Amine, no Portland rapper made as much nouse outside the city this year as the Last ARtful Dodgr. This show might be the last tremor before the big one. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 8 pm, $17-20, 21+.