May 12th, 2014 | by WW Culture Staff Arts & Books | Posted In: Comedy

Bridgetown Jokes's Diary: Sunday 11 May

Jokes from the final day of the Bridgetown Comedy Festival.

Renee Zellweger laughing

WW writers file from the final day of the Bridgetown Comedy Festival. Read jokes from day one here, day two here and day three here.



Drinks consumed yesterday:

16 ounces of Bridgeport Trilogy 1.

32 ounces of Rainier.


8:10 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Mary Mack: “I’ve been doing a lot of shows in L.A. because I was sick of people appreciating me for what is on the inside.”

8:15 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Mary Mack: “So I didn’t get a punching bag. Instead, I got a piñata. You can beat the shit out of that thing and people think you’re celebrating.”

8:21 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Myq Kaplan: “I’m not an alcoholic, but I will drink all the free drinks. I’m a free drink-aholic.”

8:22 pm. Alhambra Theatre. Emo Philips: “When a bishop molests you, he thrusts diagonally.”


 

8:23 pm. Analog Cafe. Nick Sahoyah: “It’s always interesting opening with sex disease jokes because then you guys think I’m a gross person, which is OK, because I’m a gross person.”

8:27 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Myq Kaplan: “One man’s pulled pork is another man’s pushed pork...is something that I will never say again.”

8:29 pm. Analog Cafe. Jackson Banks: “I’ve been in Portland for five days, and I have to admit I’m burned out on all of this art shit.”

8:29 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Mary Mack: “She was like, ‘If you’re going to birth a pig, you’re going to need a long, slender arm,’ and I was like, ‘Oh my god, I’m a pig woman!’”

8:32 pm. Analog Cafe. Jackson Banks: “What person in the history of the world bases their sex lives on their parents? No kid ever says I want to bang like mom and dad.”

8:34 pm. Analog Cafe. Jackson Banks: “I’m not for weed coming into the norm. When I used to smoke weed, I felt like a criminal mastermind.”

8:37 pm. Alhambra Theatre. Matt Kirshen: “Given that it’s called New Orleans, what are they going to call it when they rebuild it? Maybe they’ll take after detergent and call it New and Improved Orleans Ultra: Whiter Than Ever.”

8:38 pm. Analog Cafe. Rojo Perez: “Is it weird talking about sex when it’s light out still?”

8:43 pm. Analog Cafe. Rojo Perez: “I’ve never been a fan of rough sex. I’m more of a fan of stare-into-her-eyes-until-she-begs-you-to-look-away sex.”

8:49 pm. Analog Cafe. Paul Jay: “I’ve got weird old grandpa stories. My old stories fall into two categories: what we did before the internet, and what getting pot used to be like.”

8:51 pm. Analog Cafe. Paul Jay: “Speaking of mustaches, you guys like sex clubs?”

8:57 pm. Analog Cafe. Megan Koester: “If you think 9-11 was an inside job, make some noise. And if you don’t, I’ve got some literature to show you after.”

8:58 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Sean Donnelly: “I can’t not look like this, OK? I have manual labor face. No one has ever woken up next to me and said ‘Oh, you’re a biochemist, right?’”

9:03 pm. Analog Cafe. Megan Koester: “I can tell this is an industry-heavy crowd. If anybody wants to green light this shit I’m going to drop on you, I’ll meet you in the bathroom that smells like a woman’s vagina. We can rap a little.”

9:05 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Sean Donnelly: “You can’t use the word ‘halfies’ when talking about a gun, it’s too cute of a word. That’s like going, ‘Hey, want to go splitsies on a samurai sword?’”

9:05 pm. Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: “Doesn’t MailChimp sound like something your racist grandpa would call his mailman?”



9:08 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Rebecca O’Neal: “I had weed-infused beer here in Portland. How are you all still alive?” 

9:14 pm. Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: “When you get 15 missed calls, you never feel like ‘Everbody loves me.’ You feel like, ‘My grandma died,’ which is what happened, my grandmother died.”

9:17 pm. Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: “I’m better at gymnastics than I am at dirty talk.”

9:19 pm Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: “You guys can probably tell this about me, but a lot of my friends still live with their parents.”

9:20 pm. Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: “The Beatles are an English Jimmy Eat World.”

9:21 pm. Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: “I’m a 31-year-old comic who still sleeps on a futon, so I know the look of a disappointed parent.”

9:25 pm. Jupiter Tent. Greg Santos: “Ladies, can we stop posting inspirational quotes online? Every day it’s a new quote and every day I’m like, ‘That’s another passive aggressive note to your ex-boyfriend.’”

9:28 pm. Jupiter Tent. Greg Santos: “Is this a real-life romantic comedy unfolding right in front of my eyes? It’s raining inside, Mumford and Sons is playing…”

10:17 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Reggie Watts: “This is a song about religion and how it’s cute, but sometimes you gotta let it go.”

10:24 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Stephanie Hasz: “Let me tell you something about myself: I’m a butch straight lady.”

10:32 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Stephanie Hasz: “I’m doing so well for myself, I buy my cereal in boxes.”


 

11:21 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Ian Karmel: “I had a realization recently that I grew up upper middle class. I realized it because we had the dopest mustard in our fridge. If you’re able to make economic decisions about your mustard, you’re doing all right for yourself.”

11:41 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. James Adomian: “I”m a renowned homosexual. I don’t know if you read about it in the scandal rags—The Willamette Whisperer, The Portland Pssst.

12:05 am. Doug Fir Lounge. James Adomian: “If you’ve ever seen Joan Rivers out of the corner of your eye, you know she looks like an explosion of parachutes and capes from the Emerald City of Oz.”

 
  • Currently 3.5/5 Stars.
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4
  • 5
comments powered by Disqus
 

Web Design for magazines

Close
Close
Close