Drinks consumed yesterday:
16 ounces of Bridgeport Trilogy 1.
32 ounces of Rainier.
8:10 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Mary Mack: "I've been doing a lot of shows in L.A. because I was sick of people appreciating me for what is on the inside."
8:15 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Mary Mack: "So I didn't get a punching bag. Instead, I got a piñata. You can beat the shit out of that thing and people think you're celebrating."
8:21 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Myq Kaplan: "I'm not an alcoholic, but I will drink all the free drinks. I'm a free drink-aholic."
8:22 pm. Alhambra Theatre. Emo Philips: "When a bishop molests you, he thrusts diagonally."
8:23 pm. Analog Cafe. Nick Sahoyah: "It's always interesting opening with sex disease jokes because then you guys think I'm a gross person, which is OK, because I'm a gross person."
8:27 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Myq Kaplan: "One man's pulled pork is another man's pushed pork...is something that I will never say again."
8:29 pm. Analog Cafe. Jackson Banks: "I've been in Portland for five days, and I have to admit I'm burned out on all of this art shit."
8:29 pm. Hawthorne Theatre. Mary Mack: "She was like, 'If you're going to birth a pig, you're going to need a long, slender arm,' and I was like, 'Oh my god, I'm a pig woman!'"
8:32 pm. Analog Cafe. Jackson Banks: "What person in the history of the world bases their sex lives on their parents? No kid ever says I want to bang like mom and dad."
8:34 pm. Analog Cafe. Jackson Banks: "I'm not for weed coming into the norm. When I used to smoke weed, I felt like a criminal mastermind."
8:37 pm. Alhambra Theatre. Matt Kirshen: "Given that it's called New Orleans, what are they going to call it when they rebuild it? Maybe they'll take after detergent and call it New and Improved Orleans Ultra: Whiter Than Ever."
8:38 pm. Analog Cafe. Rojo Perez: "Is it weird talking about sex when it's light out still?"
8:43 pm. Analog Cafe. Rojo Perez: "I've never been a fan of rough sex. I'm more of a fan of stare-into-her-eyes-until-she-begs-you-to-look-away sex."
8:49 pm. Analog Cafe. Paul Jay: "I've got weird old grandpa stories. My old stories fall into two categories: what we did before the internet, and what getting pot used to be like."
8:51 pm. Analog Cafe. Paul Jay: "Speaking of mustaches, you guys like sex clubs?"
8:57 pm. Analog Cafe. Megan Koester: "If you think 9-11 was an inside job, make some noise. And if you don't, I've got some literature to show you after."
8:58 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Sean Donnelly: "I can't not look like this, OK? I have manual labor face. No one has ever woken up next to me and said 'Oh, you're a biochemist, right?'"
9:03 pm. Analog Cafe. Megan Koester: "I can tell this is an industry-heavy crowd. If anybody wants to green light this shit I'm going to drop on you, I'll meet you in the bathroom that smells like a woman's vagina. We can rap a little."
9:05 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Sean Donnelly: "You can't use the word 'halfies' when talking about a gun, it's too cute of a word. That's like going, 'Hey, want to go splitsies on a samurai sword?'"
9:05 pm. Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: "Doesn't MailChimp sound like something your racist grandpa would call his mailman?"
9:08 pm. Bossanova Ballroom. Rebecca OâNeal: âI had weed-infused beer here in Portland. How are you all still alive?â
9:14 pm. Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: "When you get 15 missed calls, you never feel like 'Everbody loves me.' You feel like, 'My grandma died,' which is what happened, my grandmother died."
9:17 pm. Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: "I'm better at gymnastics than I am at dirty talk."
9:19 pm Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: "You guys can probably tell this about me, but a lot of my friends still live with their parents."
9:20 pm. Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: "The Beatles are an English Jimmy Eat World."
9:21 pm. Analog Cafe. Shane Torres: "I'm a 31-year-old comic who still sleeps on a futon, so I know the look of a disappointed parent."
9:25 pm. Jupiter Tent. Greg Santos: "Ladies, can we stop posting inspirational quotes online? Every day it's a new quote and every day I'm like, 'That's another passive aggressive note to your ex-boyfriend.'"
9:28 pm. Jupiter Tent. Greg Santos: "Is this a real-life romantic comedy unfolding right in front of my eyes? It's raining inside, Mumford and Sons is playing…"
10:17 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Reggie Watts: "This is a song about religion and how it's cute, but sometimes you gotta let it go."
10:24 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Stephanie Hasz: "Let me tell you something about myself: I'm a butch straight lady."
10:32 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Stephanie Hasz: "I'm doing so well for myself, I buy my cereal in boxes."
11:21 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. Ian Karmel: "I had a realization recently that I grew up upper middle class. I realized it because we had the dopest mustard in our fridge. If you're able to make economic decisions about your mustard, you're doing all right for yourself."
11:41 pm. Doug Fir Lounge. James Adomian: "I"m a renowned homosexual. I don't know if you read about it in the scandal rags—The Willamette Whisperer, The Portland Pssst."
12:05 am. Doug Fir Lounge. James Adomian: "If you've ever seen Joan Rivers out of the corner of your eye, you know she looks like an explosion of parachutes and capes from the Emerald City of Oz."