I Heart Television!™

Today the confoundingly-named Wm.â"¢ Steven Humphrey announced the end of his very, very, very long running column I Love Televisionâ"¢ over at our neighbor paper, The Portland Mercury. It's a sad day for Gen-Xers looking for an irreverent look at popular culture. But because we don't like to leave holes in the hearts of our community, we've decided, once again, to be the plug. We now present to you our newest feature, I Heart Television!â"¢. You're welcome, Portland.

Hi gang! I'm Lz.â"¢ Fredericka Acker and guess what, I Heart Televisionâ"¢! But, I have to warn you, any rubes out there who just turn on the old boob tube and watch whatever, whenever, THIS COLUMN IS NOT FOR YOU! When I say "I Heart Televisionâ"¢" what I mean is, I heart television IRONICALLY, except for like, super high-brow shows like The Sopranos which I like NON-ironically. Also, I want you to know, UP FRONT FULL-DISCLOSURE, that I USED to heart Entourage but I HAVEN'T WATCHED SINCE TURTLE LOST WEIGHT!

ANYway, now you know who I am and we are basically BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE. So what are we all watching NOW (besides early Entourage episodes because, duh, we friends ALWAYS HAVE THAT ON IN THE BACKGROUND, right?? Vinny's struggle is so inspiring!)? Guys. Don't panic. That was a rhetorical question!!! I KNOW you can't answer me right now through this computer!! I just wanted to seem friendly because we're buddies!!! Remember that earlier sentence when I said that?? You can't tell me what YOU'RE watching, so let me tell you what I JUST LOVE RIGHT NOW BUT LIKE IRONICALLY, OKAY?

THE BACHELOR IN PARADISE, you guys. It's like, 100% totally perfect in basically every way. (IRONICALLY my chums! DON'T FREAK!) Imagine this, put yourself there: you're on the picturesque coast of Mexico with the absolute MAN OF YOUR DREAMS on a yacht and then, OUT OF NOWHERE, there's this cliff and you and the man of your dreams have to bungee jump together off the cliff!!! It's like a metaphor for LOVE, you guys. IT'S ALL ABOUT TAKING RISKS.

My friends!!!!!!! You know I don't actually really like such a stupid show for dumb Americans who live in red states and eat at Hardee's instead of Carl's Jr.! All I'm saying is, with Gwen and Gavin and Jen and Ben all breaking up, sometimes it's just like you want to believe in love again, like the power of bungee jumping to bring two people together, like when E and Sloan finally made it official, you know? LIKE TRUE LOVE IS POSSIBLE AND I DON'T CARE IF IT'S NOT "COOL," I BELIEVE IT!

Also, you guys, and this should be obvious, I really loved Mad Men.

This Week on Television

WEDNESDAY, AUG. 12

10:00 BRAVO MILLION DOLLAR LISTING SAN FRANCISCO

I used to live in San Francisco. I don't want to say this makes me better than you, but do the math.

THURSDAY, AUG. 13

8:00 A&E BEYOND SCARED STRAIGHT TEENS 

Ugh. Kids.

FRIDAY, AUG. 14

6:00 pm FOX LOCAL PROGRAMMING

Stay HOME! Remember those scary teens from yesterday?? They're everywhere!

SATURDAY, AUG. 15

7:00 pm OXYGEN WAITING TO EXHALE

RIP Whitney. RIP.

SUNDAY, AUG. 16

8:00 ABC BACHELOR IN PARADISE 

You guys! Cliffhanger! What is Claire even going to SAY at the Rose Ceremony tonight?? Omg.

MONDAY, AUG. 17

9:00 pm ABC BACHELOR IN PARADISE

This season of B in P is a huge time commitment but if you can't commit to this, will you be able to commit to the love of your life when you eventually meet them while bungee jumping? 

TUESDAY, AUG. 18

7:00 pm PBS NEWSHOUR

It's like, you've been so focused on Tenley and JJ's relationship this week, you totally haven't been keeping up-to-date on world news. Check in! Are we still at war with Iraq, or what? (Let me know please!! Thx!)

WWeek 2015