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Several houses in my neighborhood have recently had delivery packages stolen off the porch. We lost some sweet legal-weed paraphernalia from Amazon and a vegetable spaghettifier that was a gift from my mom. Can we do anything?
—Tweakers Begone!
I hesitate to give you, Tweakers, specific advice on how to defeat this thief, because—let's face it—the kind of glue-sniffing ne'er-do-well who steals veggie spiralizers off people's porches is pretty much this column's target demographic.
Still, there are things you can do. Amazon didn't respond to requests for comment, but anecdotal reports suggest it will often replace stolen packages at no charge. You know, lest you be tempted to return to the barbaric practice of buying things from local retailers with your bare hands.
Amazon also has a program—I'm not kidding—where you can have your stuff delivered to a locker at 7-Eleven, which sounds a lot like the kind of thing people used to do when their "stuff" happened to be 100 kilos of cocaine.
You can also take such boringly sensible precautions as requiring a signature for delivery, having the package delivered to your work, or investing in a locking parcel drop box.
But these won't slake your thirst for vengeance—you want to catch the guy, "CSI: Portland"-style. Can technology help?
Police Bureau spokesman Sgt. Peter Simpson said he "wouldn't recommend" my idea of booby-trapping your package with an exploding dye pack. He was down with spy cameras, however: "The cases we successfully solve are generally ones with a good surveillance image from a home surveillance system."
Simpson also confirmed, usefully, that if you catch a delivery thief in the act, it counts as a big enough deal to call 911. Either way, file a police report—he says it helps.
Finally, there's no law against putting a decoy package on your own porch filled with dog shit. Or human shit. Or, if you really mean business, a human head. Godspeed.
Willamette Week