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"That's how you grab a cat," declared Chloe Eudaly, candidate for the Portland City Council as a photo of U.S. Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) cuddling a black and white kitty flashed on a screen above her.
So ended Monday night's Candidates Gone Wild, an irreverent election-year tradition of WW and the Bus Project that features candidates for local and statewide office in skits and a talent-show competition.
The event, which took place at Revolution Hall, included Eudaly; Portland Commissioner Steve Novick; Mayor-elect Ted Wheeler; Republican candidate for governor Dr. Bud Pierce; candidate for state representative Diego Hernandez; and candidates for the Multnomah County Commission Eric Zimmerman, Sharon Meieran and Amanda Schroeder.
In one skit, moderated by former Live Wire producer Courtenay Hameister, Eudaly and Novick were forced to debate the merits of BikeTown, apartment bunker Burnside 26 and Novick's favorite pooch, the corgi.
Only the debate had a twist. Eudaly and Novick had to argue for things they didn't actually believe. For example, Eudaly had to argue that Burnside 26—a sleek complex she and other housing advocates targeted as a glaring example of Portland's housing inequality—was a great place to live. "You can use the shrubbery as a urinal!" Eudaly proclaimed.
In another skit, Republican candidate for governor Dr. Bud Pierce was asked to take a feminist quiz—a nod to his widely assailed remarks last week that educated, well-off women are not susceptible to domestic violence. (Pierce later apologized.) He passed the quiz too, which asked him to identify suffragist Elizabeth Cady Stanton, among other things.
Amanda Schroeder, candidate for the Multnomah County Commission, sang a duet with her cousin.
Lord help the mister who comes between me and my sister/ and Lord help the sister that comes between me and my man.
"I am a loyal person and I will fight for you," interjected Hameister. "Isn't that the subtext? Also, don't fuck my boyfriend if you're my sister."
Diego Hernandez, a Reynolds School Board member running for the Oregon House representing East Portland, performed two Latin dances.
Dr. Sharon Meieran, who's running against Eric Zimmerman for a second seat on the Multnomah County Commission, performed a send-up of Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues," tweaking all the lyrics to tell the story of mothballed Wapato Jail.
They spent $58 million just to watch it lie/ When I see that jail sitting there, I hang my head and cry.
Her band? The Wapatones.
(Zimmerman also took the stage but his performance—a standup routine that involved opening a bottle of beer—was over too quickly to translate in this report, sadly.)
Novick, a proud movie nerd, recited lengthy passages from The Princess Bride dressed as the character Vizzini, played in the movie by doppelganger Wallace Shawn. (They actually sound more alike than they look.)
"Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line," Novick recited, then fell over dead.
Eudaly, a Sanders support like Novick, ended the evening with a performance of The Carpenters' "Close to You" under a image of Sanders at his Portland presidential rally in March, when a bird landed on his podium.
Why do birds suddenly appear/Every time you are near?
Only one awkward moment pierced the evening's light-hearted atmosphere.
When Pierce first arrived on stage, a woman in the audience shouted "You suck!"
Hameister, the host, tamped down the anger. "It feels a little like a Trump rally now," she said. "Just a skosh."
Willamette Week