4/20/7

Can a lifelong weed-hater find a strain he likes?

I've never liked weed. This confuses certain people; it's like I just told them I hate ice cream. But at the age of 21, it was a profound relief when I figured out I could just pass the joint at a party, rather than subject myself to an obtrusive, spinny high.   

Lately, though, some friends have been a little schoolmarmish about it. "You probably just smoked the wrong strain," they tell me, saddened by my laziness. In the crypto-medical, geekily specific world of dispensary greenery, you can choose your own high. 

So fine. I got high for a solid week. Seven days, seven strains, each one recommended by WW's in-house weed critics or fans. As a control scenario for this highly scientific experiment, I spent 30 minutes of each high watching the Web series High Maintenance, about a Manhattan bicycle pot-delivery man. Because science! And because the show is wonderful. 


Day 1: What's wrong with weed in general

Strain: Sour Diesel. Hybrid strain, sativa-dominant, listed on Leafly as “energetic.”

Ah, Sour Diesel, the smelly baseline weed of campfire tokers. My joints are lazily limber, my head tingly and my consciousness fuzzy; depth perception is suddenly negotiable. But I am far too aware of each effect on my body. When drunk, you're stupid, but you hardly know it after the first buzz; as on Fox News, stupidity is papered over by blissful ignorance. But with Diesel I am all too conscious of the fogginess of my reason, the smudgy scrim between thinking and doing. It is obnoxious, and it's everything I always hated about weed. 


Day 2: 99 problems, but this ain't one

Strain: Space Queen. Hybrid, sativa-forward, described on Leafly as a "head high."

Well, this is better. But oh, man, is it well-named. I think intensely about a single subject—an ex-girlfriend from four years ago, say—but the second I'm distracted I can't remember what in the hell I was on about. It's serial monomania. I solve a thousand problems and forget a thousand solutions. And then, two hours later, I miss my bus stop on my way to lunch. This high lasts…forever.


Day 3: I'd hit that 

Strain: Omega, a brand-new, sativa-dominant hybrid from Emerald Twist farm—a mix of White Widow and three other things.

None of the tranciness of the previous two. My skin tingles a bit, and I'm uncontrollably happy, as in I want to meet everybody immediately. It's like cocaine mixed with empathy and a very large appetite. I also become keenly aware that cannabis is a vasodilator: The world seems sexy. Consider this a dopamine shot to the back of the brain, delivered to a very happy lab rat. This is my huckleberry—the first joint I would bogart.


Day 4: Cottonmouth

Strain: Cherry Kush, which, according to a Leafly online reviewer, "makes you eat cheese puffs n play with your penis in front off you computer." He posted this review 17 times.

Most strains involve a dry throat, but within 10 minutes of smoking, I feel like I've got a mammal trapped in my neck. Not to mention my forehead is so numb it's like I've been Botox-ed. I am hungry, glued to a couch, barely able to swallow. It's the worst. Just: the worst.


Day 5: Smoked Nyquil

Strain: Berry White. Indica-forward, which means it's a bit of a downer.

Berry White, like its namesake, gets you straight into bed. 


Day 6: Status quo

Strain: Cannatonic. CBD-heavy (pain-relieving cannabinoid), and low on THC (high-making cannabinoid). It's medicine, man.

By now, the weed experiment has become a chore. Like anybody with a real habit, I'm having to plan my days around the time I need to get high. In any case, Cannatonic has few psychoactive effects for me, except that I become very aware of how fast my fingers move when I type. I type pretty fast. Oh, and this weed is useless.


Day 7: Make it stop

Strain: Skywalker, an indica-dominant hybrid.

This strain is all laserlike attention and narrow focus, the mental equivalent of Cyclops' visor in X-Men. Can I stop now?


Verdict: Congratulations, weed aficionados. I used to just say no. Now, I will ask 17 irritating questions—indica-sativa ratio, strains that went into the hybrid (White Widow? Niiice). And then I will probably still say no. Are you happy about what you've done?

WWeek 2015

Willamette Week’s reporting has concrete impacts that change laws, force action from civic leaders, and drive compromised politicians from public office. Support WW's journalism today.