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Welcome to Lady Things, the column where we build a new, more just world by understanding the lives, dreams, bodies and brains of female-identifying people.
This week, join us in a holiday craft project that is sure to delight your family and friends, while simultaneously letting them know you're a lady!
Recently, we here at Willamette Week received a shipment of samples from local Portland company Clone-A-Willy. Clone-A-Willy sells at-home dildo-making kits, so penis enthusiasts can make colorful silicone replicas of their own favorite erect members, complete with vibrators. (Note to readers who have yet to experience an erect penis: The vibrator is an add-on that does not come with the human model.)
Because Lady Things is a feminist operation that believes not everything is about penises, and also because we do not personally own penises, we decided to take the kits and make a craft that any hot-blooded American woman could enjoy: The Gender-Bending George Walker Bush Vibrator.
Follow these step-by-step instructions and you'll have Christmas (or Hanukkah or Secular Humanist Day of Giving) locked up, giving you plenty of extra time to meditate on what place religion should really hold in our society.
1. Gather supplies.
In the Lady Things craft nook, we brought together everything you need to make your very own vibrator. What are those things? One (1) Clone-A-Willy kit ($44.95), in whatever color you prefer, and one (1) President George Walker Bush action figure ($40).
Open up the Clone-A-Willy package and familiarize yourself with the contents: molding powder, silicone, vibrator, etc.
2. Pose supplies.
It's important to get in the crafting mood. Start by posing the supplies in fun, sexy ways. So cute!
3. Test
Make sure the thing you are planning on making your vibrator in the shape of fits into the special vibrator-making tube. This is called the Scientific Method, and ladies, it's about time we get interested in science! Here, we run an experiment and then analyze the results: G.W. doesn't fit in the tube.
4. Be flexible.
Crafting is about the journey. After we realized G.W. wasn't going to fit in the tube, we decided we could remove his head from his body and put it on a Barbie body, which not only made the project work, but also made it 1,000 times sexier. For this step, you need also to have one (1) Barbie ($11.99). You also need some tools: a screwdriver to take G.W.'s head off his body and then pliers to rip the weird ball thing out of the head socket. Luckily, as you ladies will already know, a Barbie head is very easy to remove from a Barbie body.
5. Admit sometimes you need help.
Crafting involves a lot of self-discovery. Here, we discover that sometimes we need to enlist the help of a person with hairier arms than us to rip the neck off G.W. This is not defeat by any means. Instead, it is acknowledging the need for a better tool and then finding that tool.
6. Put G.W.'s head on the Barbie body.
You will feel extremely satisfied when you hit this stage, and with good reason. You've done some hard work! And you've already made something cool. Pat yourself on the back, and if you haven't yet, pour yourself a glass of wine.
7. Prepare G.W. for what comes next.
After a few experiments, we discovered the best thing to do was rip the doll's arms off, tape G.W.'s tie down with Scotch tape and then tape his legs together with duct tape. PLEASE NOTE: You're gonna want to make sure the Barbie butt stays untaped. It's one of the highlights of the finished product.
8. Mix the molding stuff.
It says make sure the water is 90 degrees. Don't mess that up, no matter how drunk you are at this point.
9. Pour the liquid into the molding tube and stick the doll in headfirst.
This is also incredibly satisfying.
10. Wait two minutes. Remove the doll from the mold.
This is probably the hardest part. We did this step four times and found the best way to do it was to cut G.W. Barbie out of the mold with an X-Acto knife, slicing down one side seam (not the face or butt!). Then, gently slide the mold back into the plastic tube.
11. Mix and pour the silicone.
The Clone-A-Willy instructions say to wait four hours before attempting this step. We get it, patience is a virtue. But on the other hand, we are working women, doing it all, crafting and drinking on the clock, so we might have cut this timeline down a bit to fit our needs. Feel free to wait four hours, but don't feel constrained by The Man's idea of how you should do things. Fuck the patriarchy.
Also, side note: DO NOT EAT THE SILICONE EVEN THOUGH IT LOOKS SORT OF DELICIOUS. Maybe it's time to stop drinking now.
After pouring the silicone in the mold, stick the vibrator into one of Barbie's legs. Make sure the cap to the battery compartment is sticking out.
12. Let the silicone set for 24 hours.
This one you have to do because no one likes a liquid vibrator.
13. The great unveiling!
It should now be a new day. You have slept off last night's wine, and you are ready for whatever lies ahead. Exercise, perhaps? A healthy meal? Also, it's time to meet your finished product: The Gender-Bending George W. Bush Vibrator. Grab some scissors, turn up the Magnetic Fields, and free your creation.
The face is going to be amazing, but don't forget to check out Bush's cute butt!
Ultimately, we made four of these perfect-in-every-way gifts. They each take one AA battery, so after the $45 for the kit and the one-time cost of purchasing or foraging a Barbie and a G.W. doll, these will definitely be reserved for our closest of friends. Get that, readers? If you don't get one of these for Christmas, you should know we aren't that good of friends.
There you have it, your first-ever Lady Things craft! What kind of Lady Things things are you crafting this holiday? Share pictures and ideas in the comments!
Willamette Week