I'm a big fan of the Fourth of July, in part because I'm not much of a dog person. So to me, the 4th isn't just a celebration of America, but also an annual ceremony where we as a nation make a shitload of noise as a collective "fuck you" to our pets.

I celebrated America's birthday week (because you know America would be the type of person to insist their birthday deserves a whole week) by getting drunk on Ameritinis (which are just shots of well whiskey in a martini glass). But there were a few people who chose to celebrate our country's 241st birthday week by recognizing America's time honored tradition of doing dumb shit with guns.

(Before continuing, I should say this: I'm sure that there are many responsible gun owners out there, and the occurrences that I'm about to describe do not reflect the majority of pro-gun Americans. Okay? I want to be clear on that, because it's fun to make fun of liberals since the worst they'll do is write a stern tweet or organize a few marches, but the last people I want to piss off are folks who love their guns. Because their anger might actually be consequential.)

In Indiana, a state best known for being next to Ohio, two neighbors had an afternoon shootout after a rather unneighborly confrontation.

After a few heated words, one man flashed his gun. The other man opened fire, and shots were returned. This all happened over a fence separating the properties, like two angry men enacting a Midwestern version of the Hatfield–McCoy feud.

The man who initiated the shooting promptly hopped on his lawn mower after flashing his weapon, so I assume tensions between the neighbors had risen pretty high since both men were already armed. After all, I don't know anyone who carries a gun to do yard work. But I guess it makes sense. Sometimes a weed whacker isn't enough, and a firearm is the only way to truly protect your property from an unruly lawn.

Of course, this week there was an even more ridiculous case of reckless gun use in Florida, a state known for firearm accidents, old people, and fake news stories about meth heads being eaten by crocodiles.

A man in Jacksonville shot himself in the dick after sitting on a gun he'd left in the driver's side seat of his car. And if that wasn't bad enough, the man was a convicted felon who couldn't legally own a gun, so now he has to go to jail.

HE REALLY SHOT HIMSELF IN THE FOOT ON THAT ONE.