Earlier this year, known homophobe and presumed Proud Boy Chris Sevier sued Utah after the state refused to let him marry his computer.

Sevier has already attempted similar suits in Florida, Texas, and Colorado for the exact same reason. He's also previously filed a lawsuit against Apple after having accused the company of causing his porn addiction (because of course any man who wants to marry his computer is addicted to porn).

Now, Chris Sevier is back in the news and up to his same old tricks.

Sevier has taken his case to Alabama, claiming that he should be allowed to marry his computer in the Heart of Dixie.

I don't know that much about Alabama other than that everyone who lives there hates Neil Young and that one time this one guy wrote a really famous letter from a jail down there. But there doesn't seem to be any reason why Alabama would recognize such a ridiculous matrimony.

Of course, if this guy really does want to marry his computer, then I'm willing to pretend to be okay with that. After all, I'm a liberal. And as a liberal, I'm obligated to act like other people's creepy fetishes don't weird me out.

But it's clear that Sevier does not, in fact, love his laptop. He's just using his computer to attack marriage equality in a misguided attempt at legal satire that dangerously perpetuates the terribly homophobic "slippery slope" argument.

Among a heap of other bullshit assertions, Sevier's current lawsuit claims that he married an object with "female like features" in New Mexico, which is pretty vague. After all, an object with "female like features" could be any kind of yonic doodad, like a sexy bowl or an erotic vase or a regular Georgia O'Keeffe painting. Or maybe Sevier married a kiwi that'd been cut in half (and for clarity, I'm referring to a halved fruit and not a bisected man from New Zealand).

It's also possible that the object's "female features" aren't related to its physical appearance. Maybe the item's "female features" are meant to reference the object's stereotypically female emotional characteristics. And if that's the case, then maybe Sevier married an empathetic armchair or an extension cord that cries a lot or a lamp that asks how your day was or a coffee table that encourages you to get your life together because it wants kids someday and neither of you are getting any younger.

Regardless, his marriage is a sham, and it looks like Chris Sevier is doomed to die alone.