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We really are spoiled for choice when it comes to Christmas movies. This season, Portland's second run theaters are screening, more or less, every classic Christmas movie you can think of, as well as a handful of deep cuts mostly thanks to a strong showing from the Kiggins Theatre out in the 'Couv.
But time is money, and unless you're some kind of tinsel toed weirdo, you probably have a limited tolerance for the most wonderful time of the year. So, we've come up with a handy guide to finding which Christmas favorites you should watch, and where and when to watch them.
Are you the type of person who gets really, really excited about pumpkin spice lattes?
You're going to want to watch Love Actually, the schmaltziest movie in a genre that uses schmaltz as its main metric for quality.
Mission Theater: December 10-13.
Do you want to be sad, for a good two hours or so, and maybe have a really excellent nap in a warm, dark room?
Then you're going to want to catch the uber-classic It's a Wonderful Life, perhaps the best Christmas movie about suicide, and probably up there for the most fallen-asleep to movie in history.
Hollywood Theatre: Dec. 17-18;
Laurelhurst Theater: Dec. 16-22;
Do you want to be delighted with wonderfully choreographed dance routines, thin homoerotic subtext, and George Clooney's aunt Rosemary?
Then you're going to want to catch White Christmas, another hall of fame-worthy classic (except for that weird song about "the theat-ah").
Do you love Christmas, but also really love to fuckin' swear?
Then you want the slightly underrated and very hilarious Bad Santa, directed by Terry Zwigoff, the guy behind cult hit Ghost World.
Do you really like classic action movies, enough so that just a tenuous link to Christmas will satisfy you're craving for holiday violence?
Well yippie-ki-yay motherfucker: Die Hard is playing this year.
Do you really wish you could watch Die Hard, but you have a pack of children who aren't quite old enough for Alan Rickman's evil machinations?
You're in luck. They made a Die Hard for kids, and it's called Home Alone.
Are you a dad?
Then enjoy the semi-biographical tale of goofy suburban commercialism, National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.
Do you love voice overs as much as you love Christmas?
If you also love life lessons, you probably want to watch A Christmas Story.
Would you like to watch a movie made in the last twenty years that isn't wall-to-wall swearing like Bad Santa?
If so, you'll want to catch Will Farrell and a younger Zooey Deschanel (in her breakout role) in the family-friendly 2003 comedy Elf.
Do you have children, but wish to terrify them?
Then watch Robert Zemeckis' adaption of classic children's book The Polar Express, made in a time when CGI technology put every character smack dab in the middle of the uncanny valley.
Empirical Theater at OMSI: weekends, Dec. 9-29.
Are you an enormous fan of classic film noir who wants a rare opportunity to see an obscure film made in 1944 on the big screen?
AND are you willing to go to Vancouver to see it? Then congratulations: they're playing Christmas Holiday, a morbid tale starring Deanna Durbin and Gene Kelly about a woman who marries a violent wastrel, set during the holiday season.
Kiggins: 6:30 pm, Monday, Dec. 12.
Are you a denin-jacket wearing cretin who wants to get high and watch some grindhouse with his buddies on the big screen?
Congratulations, hesher. Silent Night, Deadly Night— the scumbag classic about a murderer in a Santa costume, is playing at the Hollywood. I hope you're happy.
Hollywood: 7:30 pm, Tuesday, Dec. 20.
