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Imagine it's 2030.
That's in 14 years. Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and Donald Trump are dead. (Maybe). I might even be dead. (Maybe). There will be some weird chemical in donuts that we don't currently know about that doctors will assure us increases our chances of getting Alzheimer's by 60 percent. As it turns out, craft beer will be the leading producer of genital acne, and there will be height restrictions so that multiple story condos will be impossible to continue to be made. People are going to need new things.
So, what could the hot topics of the future be? What will Portland be into? Clearly, I can't see the future. If I did, I would either have my own show on Disney Channel, or I would know that my future husband is currently working on a research base in Antarctica, trying to domesticate penguins, and I'd be spending my afternoon today booking a ship to go find him.
However, I'm tempted to take what I do know about Portland, factoring in what people seem to like today, and make educated guesses as to what might be trending in the future. Since I've lived in Portland for more than five years now, I feel like I have something of an idea of what people like to talk about. Here are a few of my hypotheses as to what they'll be talking about.
1. Craft Cookies
This one seems like a no-brainer. Everywhere you look, people are taking classic baked goods and making them fancy, possibly so they don't feel too bad about charging $4 per item. Does anybody remember back in 2000 when the most controversial donut flavor was powdered and jelly-filled? Soon, somebody is going to crack into the market of the single baked good that Portland has not yet gentrified. We already have hip donuts, ice cream, and cupcakes. So naturally, cookies are next. (Sorry, if you thought I was alluding to lemon bars).
I'm thinking this movement will start with a really Kinfolk-y space with a simple, stylistic name like Crumb or Sprinkle. Expect flavors like lavender (duh), lemon meringue pie with macadamia nuts and cumin, mango oatmeal, and probably one flavor with some sort of infused alcohol (most likely, gin.) Or they might go the Voodoo route and just shape a bunch of their cookies like genitals without experimenting too much flavor-wise. After two or three years, they'll open a second location in Los Angeles.
2. Weed Coffee Shops
Sometimes it seems as if Portland's bar adoration has very little to do with getting drunk. New PDX bars trigger imaginative designs and atmospheres, as well as innovative food menus inspired by our lovely state law that obliges bars to offer grub in addition to booze. But now we've got legal pot too. And it's entirely feasible that this industry will attempt to cash in on Dutch-style coffee shops where people can blaze and chill publicly. Plus, you know coffee shop food is going to be so much better than bar food.
Related: Portland Gets Its First Hotel Weed Package
Unfortunately, cannabis cafes have a few legal hurdles they will need to overcome before enticing your neighborhood. Until then, there is Amsterdam.
3. Hipster Karaoke
So, I feel pretty guilty for tossing this one into the ring because it's potentially my finest last resort business venture. But what if karaoke bars updated their material and their look? I can't help but wonder why every karaoke bar looks like 1980 when most patrons appear under 35. And as much as I love the endearing echo of "What's Up" by 4 Non Blondes each time I crawl into Chopsticks, I don't have too many songs pre-2000 memorized melodically. What if you stumbled into Alibi on a Friday night only to be greeted by the monotone sobs of a textbook manic pixie dream girl who is whimpering "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" by The Postal Service over the mic?
Beach House, Beirut, James Blake, Rilo Kiley, The Shins, Modest Mouse? Stylized karaoke bars with updated facades and interiors that adapt to the feels of some of Portland's modern bars and coffeeshops seem inevitable.
Related: In Portland, You Can Sing Karaoke at a Strip Club
Maybe one of these futuristic karaoke bars could be modeled after an aquarium. That's like, so 2030? There might even be stool seating.
Oh wait—this is already a thing.
4. Vampirism
There are people in the world who think vampires are really sexy—so much so that they want to be one. And considering Oregon is the epicenter of polyamory and Twilight filming locations, something tells me that vampirism might become the new sexual sensation to sweep a measurably kinky Pacific Northwest.
Perhaps there will be "crypts" that people can rent for an hour or two for some platonic roleplaying in line with strip clubs. A lap dance while lying in a coffin could be interesting. Also, I'll add that Portland already has a "vampire" meet-up group.
5. Neopets On
Admit it: You're still angry you haven't caught a Pikachu yet. Despite some people falling off cliffs and others ending up in the sticky fingers of armed robbers, Pokémon Go has injected pop culture with a colorful high. And now that virtual reality phone apps are a palpable thing, there are many more virtual realities I'm sure we'll venture into down the line. One of those is going to be a return to the world of Neopets. So, I'm envisioning Neopets On ("on" because "go" is taken).
Related: A Beginner's Guide to Pokemon Go in Portland
Ah yes, Neopets: that website that taught you more about US economics through buying and auctioning off bottles of fluorescent sand than that one mandatory business class you took in high school. In 2030, online user shops could present next to real-life shops on your phone. You could feed your Neopets with visible food items from a New Seasons as opposed to an animated bowl of mashed potatoes and gravy.
Additional predictions include raccoon cafés (because raccoons will be the new Californians), astrology-inspired therapy (especially for all the Cancers out there), and places where you can pay to cuddle with people. Because Japan already has those.
You can find Jack Rushall on Twitter at @jackrushallnow.
Willamette Week
