It's election day, which means come tomorrow, we don't have to pretend to know anything about politics anymore!
We don't have to pretend to care about policy or pretend to know what we're talking about or pretend to actually have any faith in each other!
We get to go back to complaining about a corrupt system that we utterly and completely rely on! We get to go back to ignoring our nation's problems! No matter what happens tonight, tomorrow we begin the luxurious process of forgoing our civic duties until four years from now when we all pretend to be surprised by how bad things have gotten!
As we wait for the final ballots to be tallied, though, I assume that many voters are anxious that Donald Trump might be our next president–and that's a fair concern.
There are plenty of reasons to take issue with Trump, chief among them is that he looks like a man who doesn't reciprocate oral sex. He seems like the type of guy who, upon being fellated, shrugs, turns to Melania and says, "Sorry, babe, but you know how much hate speech wears out my jaw. I'll get you next time. I promise." And I for one refuse to vote for a president who refuses to make his lover cum.
(Also, as a side note: I sincerely believe that, as Melania's going down on The Donald, he says shit like, "Yeah, baby. That's just like a foreigner to come into this country and take all the good jobs. Blow jobs, that is! BAZINGA!")
As much as it pains me to say this, I've honestly been on the fence about whether or not I should vote for Donald Trump. Part of me appreciates that he proudly speaks up for what be believes in despite being incredibly misinformed. In that way, he reminds me of both myself and most of my liberal friends. More importantly, while I find Trump's policies, statements, and general existence to be deplorable, I'm staunchly pro-Race War. And when it comes to Helter Skelter, I have a responsibility to vote my conscience.
Of course, a race war is imminent no matter who wins the presidency, but the consequences for electing Trump could be disastrous. For starters, we'd have to stop calling our country "the United States" and start referring to ourselves simply as "the States." There would also be a looming possibility that anyone darker than Stacey Dash would be sent to a makeshift internment camp somewhere in Louisiana, where the Superdome would be hastily rebranded as the Thunderdome and all POC would have to fight to the death as part of a live television event. Plus, if The Donald gets elected, doomsday preppers are gonna be so fucking smug.
All this time we've been planning for zombies or aliens or a robot apocalypse, but it might be that the end of humanity is brought about by Donald Trump—a man made entirely out of expired cream of mushroom soup and the racist shit your uncle said two Thanksgivings ago.
We've known from the start that he's probably not going to win this election, so I'm not overly concerned about Donald Trump being victorious tonight. I'm more uneasy him losing, because then I'll have to scrap the rough draft of my network TV sitcom. It's called "Home Court Advantage," and it's about what it would be like if Donald Trump were to appoint a few wacky justices to the Supreme Court.
Ideally, the show would star Kevin James, Charlie Sheen, and Matt LeBlanc among others. Here's a sample from the pilot:
INT. Supreme Court - DAY
Justice Kevin James: We need to talk about Roe v. Wade.
Justice Matt LeBlanc: What's that?
Justice Charlie Sheen: Sounds like the decision I have to make whenever I'm drowning in pussy: Row, or wade. AMIRIGHT BOYS?!?
Justice Kevin James: C’mon, man. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Justice Matt LeBlanc: No, he kisses your mother with that mouth!
The laugh track plays as they all high-five.
I'm also worried about what will happen if Trump loses because he's found fans among white, working class voters who are frequently ignored by citizens and politicians on both sides of the party line, and I doubt anyone will tend to that demographic once this election ends. We'll probably just have four more years of liberals pretending that moralism is a synonym for progressivism and conservatives confusing bigotry for foreign policy. But despite making all the same mistakes, we'll still act shocked the next time some asshole in a personalized trucker cap decides to run for president.
This split between citizens has been growing for years, and the path that lead to The Donald's rise to political prominence sure as fuck wasn't paved overnight. It was built over time, not merely by the ineptness of the divided Republican Party, but by our collective inaction, complacency, and desire to belittle and isolate those we disagree with.
In a recent interview with Time magazine, J.D. Vance—author of Hillbilly Elegy, a critically acclaimed book dedicated to exploring the woes of the white working class—was asked about what he thought would become of the vast rift between elites of both parties and working class Trump supporters.
"I'm a little pessimistic, honestly," said Vance. "I see the way Republican and Democratic elites are primed to react. On the Republican side, it's a 'See, I told you so.' On the Democratic side, it's 'Look at those racist rednecks, they nominated their candidate and now he's going down in flames, and we're going to spend the next four years moralizing.' If that's the direction, then I think the white working class is going to become more isolated and all of the problems we've talked about just become bigger."
(Also, I realize that I have now referenced works published in both Time and The Economist, and that's because I recently discovered that I live next to a dentist's office and that, if you strut into the waiting area of a dentist's office with enough confidence, you can sit and read at least two magazines before anyone figures out that you're not supposed to be there.)
There's an abundance of rhetoric regarding the split between Republican and Democratic politicians, but there's a deeper rift among the American people that deserves to be addressed. Trump is a symptom of the problem, not the disease itself. After tonight, he may fade away from politics, but the issues surrounding his campaign will linger. Frustration will fester amongst the communities that comprise his voting demographic, and in all likelihood, educated liberals will continue to condescend rather than educate. After all, condescension is what liberal arts degrees are for.
It's important to remember that Donald Trump has only recently become a political threat. For years, Trump was a pop-culture billionaire everyone loved to hate. Now he's a contender for the executive branch of our government, and that has people terrified. But if The Donald gets elected by a majority vote, then he deserves to be our president. The fact that he's even made it this far means that millions of American citizens have turned to his campaign for hope. While it's easy to ridicule those voters and to blame them for our present electoral absurdity, this is a democracy, and we must all accept responsibility for this election and for Donald Trump.
Most importantly, we have to learn from our mistakes. Because if the 2016 election season wasn't miserable enough to encourage you to revise how you think about your place in politics, remember that in just two short years, Martin Shkreli will be old enough to run for president. And just as a caterpillar metamorphosizes into a moth, Martin Shkreli is one reality show and a few sexual assault allegations away from being Donald Trump. So start making changes now, because I sure as shit don't want to have to do all this again in 2020.