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May 20th, 2009 | Featured Stories
 

Smoke Out

     
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IMAGE: Vivian Johnson

SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Smoking causes lung cancer, emphysema, shriveled testes and alien babies. With the implementation of Oregon’s Smokefree Workplace Law in January, it also leads to outdoor drinking, rain or shine, which can lead to frostbite, melanoma and accidental arousal from rubbing against another addict while taking refuge from the damp under a tiny awning. WW recommends safeguarding against these maladies by taking advantage of the best weatherproofed patios in town. Nonsmokers are welcome as well, but beware—while you may now breathe inside, the air outdoors is likely to be befouled.

Lucky Labrador Brewery

915 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 236-3555.
The good: Lucky Lab just might be Portland’s largest smoking section, a tin-shed picnic pavilion with a covered area as well as uncovered tables for sun-soaking.
The bad: The dog-friendly atmosphere might set off anti-dog curmudgeons who can’t deal with a dog’s nose in the groin.

EastBurn

1800 E Burnside St., 236-2876.
The good: EastBurn’s patio, Portland’s coolest, is partially walled and heated, with individual fireplaces embedded in tables and around hanging benches.
The bad: Hanging benches and personal fireplaces are real-estate gold—and difficult to snipe.

The Florida Room

435 N Killingsworth St., 287-5658.
The good: The Florida Room is infamous for its summertime patio, but the front-deck smoking section is a deck for all seasons, with heaters reminiscent of fast-food warming lamps and plastic insulation enclosing about a dozen tables.
The bad: The omnipresent asymmetrical haircut alone at a four-seat table waiting for someone to ask what he’s reading (Just so you know, it’s something deep).

Casa Diablo

2839 NW St. Helens Road, 222-6600.
The good: The vegan vaginopolis boasts a massive heated patio with windows peering at the stage, making the dancers appear as mermaids in a human aquarium (with shorn naughty bits instead of fishtails).
The bad: The peeping-tom effect makes a solo smoker seem like a serial masturbator.

Moloko Plus

3967 N Mississippi Ave., 288-6272.
The good: A piney, flora-covered backyard porch with a ceiling and heaters overhead, Moloko’s smoking section feels like a slightly twisted bed-and-breakfast garden—a classy place to relax, meet singles and smoke without busting the bank.
The bad: Finding Moloko can be a pain in the yarblockos.

Roadside Attraction

1000 SE 12th Ave., 233-0743.
The good: Outdoor smoking takes on a deep-woods feel on Southeast 12th Avenue, where a diligently stoked bonfire provides heat and rustic shelters keep smokers dry. All campfires should have full bar service.
The bad: Huddling around the fire can lead to fun flirtation or an awkward experience with a drunken galoot who loves fire.

New Old Lompoc Pub And Brewery

1616 NW 23rd Ave., 225-1855.
The good: A tin-roofed enclosure with patio heaters contributes to the old-world feel, with picnic tables and an adjoining open-air deck for dry nights. Under the stars or a tin roof, a fresh Lompoc Strong Draft and a Camel can be bliss.
The bad: Outside can be a lonely place…especially where service is concerned.

Thirsty Lion

71 SW 2nd Ave., 222-2155.
The good: True to the Lion’s Brit aesthetic, its back alley, walled in by buildings and effectively tarped from above, is a snug place to inhale a pint and a fag between goals.
The bad: The place can be as packed as a Liverpool vs. Manchester match.

 
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