ILLUSTRATIONS BY chriskuzma.com
It is not possible to get your gays married in Oregon. It is, however, possible to get your dogs married in Oregon. And now is the time to seize that opportunity.
This Saturday, Aug. 1, the Portland Beavers will follow their baseball contest against the Sacramento River Cats with an attempt to break the Guinness World Record for the largest mass dog wedding. This will not be as easy as they think it’s going to be. The Beavers’ promotional department is basing its target on the official record set in the Netherlands on Feb. 12, 2006, when 27 canine couples were pronounced husband and wife. “So, obviously we’d need 28 to break that record,” says Beavers baseball operations VP Chris Metz. But news reports show that the record has been shattered twice—most recently on May 30 earlier this year, when 184 dog couples were wed in Chesterfield, Mo. That’s 368 dogs. No one has preregistered a dog for the PGE ceremony.
But this is no reason to despair. Portland is all about two things. The first thing is dogs. The second thing is love. So there is no reason to doubt that this city can find 370 eligible dogs by Saturday. “For single dogs,” Metz promises, “we’ll match them up as need be.” Maybe—and here we are dreaming big—if Portland brings lots of boy dogs to PGE Park on Saturday night, the Beavers will allow them to marry each other. This is, we’re told, a very progressive state.
MARRY IT: The Beavers host the Sacramento River Cats for Dove Lewis Bark in the Park at PGE Park, 1844 SW Morrison St., 553-5400. 7:05 pm Saturday, Aug. 1. $8-$40. The dog wedding will be held immediately following the game. After the ceremony, dogs will be allowed to run the bases (wink, nudge). If you have a boy dog who’d like to marry a boy dog (or a girl dog who’s into girl dogs, for that matter), please contact Aaron Mesh at email@example.com..
WEDNESDAY JULY 29
After leading the Wu-Tang Clan through the hip-hop trenches and writing music for some of the best soundtracks of the past decade, RZA is back and better than ever. Hawthorne Theatre, 3862 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 233-7100. 9 pm. $20 advance, $25 day of show. All ages.
FRIDAY JULY 31
[MUSIC] MATT SHEEHY
One of the nicest dudes in Portland pop, Sheehy is playing new songs with a full band in tow. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 288-3895. 9 pm. $10. 21+.
It sounds like a terrible idea: Two straight dudes make a porno for Humpfest. It also sounds like a terrible idea for a movie. But the idea deepens their friendship, and the movie is one of the best comedies this year. Take a chance. See it. Regal Fox Tower Stadium 10, 846 SW Park Ave., 221-3280. $10.50. See review, here.
SATURDAY AUG. 1
[STAGE] MIKE DAISY: THE LAST CARGO CULT
Master monologuist Mike Daisy delivers a one-night workshop performance of his latest inspired rant, about the time he spent on a volcanic South Pacific island whose inhabitants—true story!—worship America. Wieden Kennedy Atrium, 224 NW 13th Ave., pica.org. 8 pm. $15.
[DISH] BONES AND BREW
A scrumptious tribute to two summer essentials: beer and barbecue, served smack dab in the middle of three streets in the Pearl District Entrance to event on Northwest 14th Avenue and Flanders Street. 11 am-9 pm Saturday, 11 am-7 pm Sunday, Aug. 1-2. $3 suggested donation.
SUNDAY AUG. 2
[BIKE] HOTTEST DAY OF THE YEAR RIDE
Worship the sun with a 15-mile loop ride, Lucky Lab brews and a chance to break the world record for world’s largest water fight. Riders meet at Lucky Lab Brewery, 1945 NW Quimby St. 9 am registration, 10 am ride. $30 advance, $40 day of. Info at hottestdayride.com.
TUESDAY AUG. 4
If freak folk still exists, then Ray Raposa’s Castanets are probably the best example of combining old-timey folk with acid-rock tendencies. Let the freak flag fly! Worksound, 820 SE Alder St., myspace.com/worksoundpdx. 9 pm. Cover. All ages.