Can the Yellow and Green MAX trains running on 5th and 6th avenues control traffic lights? I don’t believe I’ve ever seen one have to halt, other than at a designated stop.

—JR Trtek

Oswald acted alone, the Masons are a social club, and the MAX doesn’t control traffic signals downtown, according to “authorities” including Denis Van Dyke, manager for transportation development at TriMet.

“If you drive at the set speed for downtown—I think it’s 12 mph—you can get all those green lights too,” the shadowy figure, who may have ties to the Illuminati, told this reporter. Sure, make it easy on yourself! Follow the “rules!” I suppose if I stop “dealing crack,” I won’t “go to jail,” either.

Under pressure, Van Dyke admitted that MAX can take control of some traffic lights. Aha! The practice is called “pre-empting the intersection,” and it’s used in outlying areas to prevent accidents (and, of course, to suppress dissent).

However, this ham-fisted mind-control technique isn’t used downtown, where the intricacies of the great traffic matrix—heck, let’s just call it a “conspiracy”—are far too subtle for individual trains to start throwing their weight around. Rather, there’s an entire system—possibly based in part on Roswell technology and a compliant populace narcotized by fluoridated water—to keep traffic and trains flowing “smoothly.”

Deep within the bowels of each train is an automated “interrogator” (this part is actually true, you guys!), which communicates by invisible radiation with a loop antenna under the street at each station stop. The information gleaned from this unseen interaction is then sent to computers (which may or may not someday become self-aware, rising up to kill us all) that keep the whole system integrated and allow you to trade your precious freedom for efficient mass transit.