| “LT. DELANEY FAIRMOUNT,” LEFT, AND “SGT. BRIAN O’NAUGHTINGTON”; 7:50 PM |
IMAGE: Photos By Mike Perrault
On All Hallows’ Eve, the streets of Portland are overflowing with vermin. Three-year-old witches. Hannah Montana clones. Balloon boys. And, of course, slutty nurses—armies of slutty nurses. The following is the report logged by WW’s finest boys in blue, Sgt. Brian O’Naughtington and Lt. Delaney Fairmount. The two officers were tasked with visiting local politicians and luminaries in order to examine their trick-or-treat practices. Then they got distracted. This is their story.
6:30 pm, SW PORTLAND, NEAR THE AERIAL TRAM
WW publisher Richard Meeker’s house is suspiciously un-decorated. After observing a tiny pirate and her daddy receiving candy, the officers approach the door and are greeted by Meeker’s daughter, Cate, who informs them that their boss is out of town, and therefore could not fire his employees for juvenile behavior. A bribe of chewy SweeTarts and mini Twix is accepted, and the citation for lack of decoration is torn up.
6:45 pm, SE PORTLAND, FOSTER-POWELL NEIGHBORHOOD
The officers, investigating a claim of fraudulent vagina width, become lost trying to find the home of crooner and Crazy Enough one-woman-show creator Storm Large. Instead, they find an abandoned toilet outside a bar. Hilarity ensues.
7 pm, 56th AND FOSTER
Distraught by the lack of activity, the boys in blue briefly consider stopping at Devils Point for a round of “stripperaoke.” Along the way they are distracted by two dancing hussies in blond wigs. Citations are issued for partying too early in the night.
7:10 pm, SE PORTLAND, NEAR TRADER JOE’S
Former Portland mayor and police chief Tom Potter’s house is dark, but a small number of trick-or-treaters lurk in the neighborhood. Potter and wife Karin Hansen answer the door and erupt into laughter before assuring the officers they still have candy left. Apparently they’re eating dinner. Potter’s beard makes the officers’ mustaches tingle. In awe of the original sexy cop, the officers let Potter off with a warning before posing with and hugging him. Hansen, however, issues Lt. Fairmount a citation of her own, insisting he hike his shorts up another inch.
7:15 pm, SE 39TH AND POWELL
The officers spot Waldo walking out of a convenience store. Contact is made with headquarters, and the Great Waldo Search is called off. Still no word from Wizard Whitebeard.
7:25 pm, SE HAWTHORNE BLVD.
The stretch of Hawthorne east of 39th is suspiciously empty—nary a hipster or busker on the street. But one house reeks of Halloween, with animatronic monsters in the window and trippy lights illuminating the porch. The officers are greeted by Darklady, the mastermind behind Portland’s Masturbate-a-thon and Erotic Masquerade, decked out in a demoness costume. She hands out veiny, penis-shaped lollipops that taste like tropical bliss and coconut and explains that last year, neighborhood folks were unhappy to learn she had been giving away free condoms. The officers are briefly hypnotized by the fetish video being watched by a small group of costumed folks, and thank Darklady for a job well done.
7:50 pm, LAURELHURST NEIGHBORHOOD
Trick-or-treaters are everywhere in the Laurelhurst neighborhood, but city commissioner Nick Fish is nowhere to be found, despite three glowing jack-o’-lanterns on the porch. Apparently there was activity earlier in the evening, judging from the visible pile of unwashed dishes cluttering the kitchen. A citation is written for clean-up negligence.
8:35 pm, NE SANDY BLVD.
Realizing damn near every person on their list is not home, and that their editors are not going to get what they paid for, the officers enter Fantasy for Adults Only to try on new uniforms for a potential career in pornography. The clerks give the boys in blue temporary skull tattoos, which are immediately applied as tramp stamps. O’Naughtington squeezes into a vinyl nun outfit, while Fairmount ties the obi on his sexy red Geisha suit. Neither is hired, so the officers change back into their normal uniforms.
8:45 pm, OLD TOWN
A man in a skimpy burglar outfit is issued a citation for stealing all the hamburgers in McDonaldland. He’s fined a cigarette before being allowed into CC Slaughters as the officers gyrate to the booming techno music.
8:50 pm, DARCELLE XV
Darcelle is unavailable for an interview, as she is onstage and looking fabulous. A drag queen outside asks to see Lt. Fairmount’s “night stick.” The officers decline, but quickly spot two partygoers dressed like Wayne and Garth. The officers order them to party on.
9:30 pm BUCKMAN TERRACE APARTMENTS
Upon tripping over shoes in the hallway of the complex, the officers knock on the door and are greeted by a Native American princess and a chief, complete with headdress. The officers issue a citation for obstruction of traffic, but are immediately accused of racial profiling. A single tear is shed.
10:30 pm, NORTH PORTLAND HOUSE PARTY
Defeated after a long night of work, Sgt. O’Naughtington and Lt. Fairmount decide to take a few hours off to get annihilated the best way they know how: by doubling up on the ice luge. Whiskey shots never tasted so good.