OK, I know a wallet is kind of a girlfriendy gift, and I guess that might make you uncomfortable, since you're always so damn vague about that kind of thing, but look at it like this: The G.Love clip by Property of... isn't so much a wallet as it is a robust billfold, just like we aren't so much a couple as we are friends who have sex with alarming regularity. 'Course, if you'd prefer something more robust, I'd be cool with the lambskin Alf Wallet, too, if you know what I mean. $75. Local 35, 3556 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 963-8200, local35.com.
OK, so if you're into it, if we've got something going on here, you'll definitely know what to do with this 11-inch Don Wands candy cane glass dildo. And if we don't, well, uh, it's totally a novelty Christmas ornament. You know, for particularly strong trees. Or maybe a centerpiece for a red-and-green fruit basket. Or something. $36.95. Mywetspot.org.
This lovely candle lantern is completely handmade from paper, paint and beeswax by the same folks at Hiih Gallery responsible for all those flower-shaped light fixtures at restaurants around town. It folds flat for mailing with a passionate letter, and symbolizes the unique, burning light of our love. If we are in love, or even a sustainable state of mutual liking. If not, well, I hope you enjoy your lantern—and that you die of a slow, terrible cancer. $25. Hiih Gallery, 2929 NE Alberta St., 493-4367, hiihgallery.com.
Journals are great. Everyone likes journals; even people who don't keep journals like journals. Portland's Ex Libris Anonymous makes really cool journals out of old books, cutting off the covers and spiral-binding them with 80 pages of acid-free paper. This one, made from the 1967 kids' title Tell Me Why, has a brontosaurus on the cover. That's Tell Me Why as in, "Tell me why you can't just define our relationship already?" $13. Bookjournals.com.
A'ight, it's time. Is this for real? 'Cause if it isn't, I've got a copy of The Quotable Douchebag for you. It's 145 pages of asinine quotes from noted douchebags like Don Imus and R. Kelly, saying things like "Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows what I'm going through." And I can add a page at the end. You catch my drift? $12.95. Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651, powells.com.