Some gifts are white-elephant-party bad, and some are so crappy, awful and potentially harmful to your genitals that they simply must be foisted upon your enemies—or a close friend with a genuinely messed-up sense of humor.
When you want the classy look of sleeves but are just too lazy to put on a shirt, it's time to pull on a set of Honolulu Puka Shell Exchange's new mesh leopard-print fashion sleeves. That "I've just contracted some sort of viral, flesh-eating rash" look is so hot right now. Set of four for $20, qvc.com.
Make it clear you never want to talk to this person again with a copy of Robert Paul Smith's winsome DIY guide How to Do Nothing With Nobody, All Alone by Yourself. $14.95, Powell's Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651.
Who has time to put down their dildo before they pick up their razor in the shower? Local naughty site Earth Erotics solves this dilemma with the Masturazor, a Finnish-made waterproof vibrator that hides a shaving head in its base. Yep. A razor. In a plastic tube designed to go inside your body during times of intense pleasure. That's going to end well. $78, eartherotics.com.
Once upon a time CSI graveyard-shift supervisor Gil Grissom glanced up and saw field investigator Nick Stokes…OH MY GAWD, is, is that a glossy photo of a barbecued human being? And enlarged hairs? And laser beams? Thank you, CSI: The Investigative Mystery game book. I'm going to go throw up now. $15.95. Powell's Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651.
Dear Jenny: You know that your mom and I love you. But we really wish you were born a boy. Now at least you can pee like one with this lightweight, plastic urine cone, the Incredible Easy Pee-Zee. $15.75. In Other Words, 8 NE Killingsworth St., 232-6003.
We often love local designer Emily Ryan's fantastical architectural clothing. But, I'm sorry, that pleated batwing tunic makes you look like a Twilight Mom. $154, etsy.com/shop/emilyryan.
Spread that love—and the labia majora—with a vulva portrait pendant charm ($19, etsy.com/shop/VulvaLoveLovely). It's made to spec from your photos or a description of the giftee's hooha. Seriously. Don't think she'll like the feel of her own polymer yoni rubbing against her chest? Winnipeg's iheartarts makes a cuddlier felted vagina necklace ($20, etsy.com/shop/iheartarts).
HiBird takes a major dump on any sort of potential holiday cheer by actually selling a roll of toilet paper embroidered with Santa's face. Is nothing sacred? $4. etsy.com/shop/HiBird.