ILLUSTRATION: Tim Root

The holidays can be rough, man. All that pressure to smile and be thankful and think of other people. And in this economy, how can anyone afford presents? It’s almost enough to push a person to their breaking point. And that’s where this holiday mixtape comes in: It’s specifically designed to ruin Christmas for everyone who hears it. So go ahead, play it for your jerk ex-husband, your bratty kid or your slacker co-workers. And a hearty bah-humbug to you all.

“I’ll Be Home for Christmas”

Christmas Cats
This is a test. If someone can get through four minutes of synthesized cats meowing the lead vocal melody—strangely, set against a reasonably competent, if poorly produced, jazz version of the song—they’ll truly appreciate the rest of this awful, awful Christmas mixtape.

“Christmas in the Northwest”

Brenda White
Perhaps a lyric is the best explanation for this heap of shit: “Just like Christmas in the Northwest/ It’s a gift that we can share/ Christmas in the Northwest is a child’s answered prayer/ If you take away the presents/ Why they still would have a tree/ For Christmas in the Northwest is a gift God wrapped in green.”

“Twelve Days on South Beach”

2 Live Jews
There are literally hundreds of awful twists on the Twelve Days of Christmas. This is the worst. Two young Jewish men impersonate old Jewish men on vacation in South Beach, where they see “Five flaming queens, four thong bikinis, three kosher delis, two bare bosoms and a gorgeous model walking in the mall,” among other finds.

“Jingle Bells”

Crazy Frog
Crazy Frog—a persistent little German CGI character designed to sell cell phones—has performed originals (“Crazy Frog in the House”) and covers (Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” among them) alike, but his techno rendition of “Jingle Bells” is among his greatest hits. Oh, and Wham!’s “Last Christmas” also received the Crazy Frog makeover.

“I Saw Santa Surfing”

Jody Whitesides
Whitesides, who also recorded a miserable jock jam called “Do You Want to Play,” customizing it for every NBA, WNBA and D-League team (“The Mad Ants are here today!”), gets his Jack Johnson on in this unfortunate smooth jam, which finds Santa, clad in “small red shorts,” riding “big ol’ waves” while Mrs. Claus relaxes on the beach.

“Silent Night”

Weezer
I wish I could have been in the boardroom when they decided this was a good idea.

“The Christmas Shoes”

Newsong
Is it just me, or does this sound like a scam? “Sir, I wanna buy these shoes/ For my mama, please/ It’s Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size/ Could you help me, sir/ Daddy says there’s not much time/ You see, she’s been sick for quite a while/ And I know these shoes would make her smile/ And I want her to look beautiful/ If Mama meets Jesus tonight.”

“Oh Come All Ye Faithful”

Kids Rap’n the Christmas Hits
OK, just because you put a cheap late-’80s breakbeat behind kids singing, that doesn’t make it rap. Throwing in a middle-aged dude doing the squarest rap ever doesn’t help matters. And for the love of God, could you at least keep these awful children on beat?

“White Christmas”

Kenny G
I know it’s obvious, but come on.

“Christmas and the Single Mom” and “Christmas Time, Single Mommy”

The Olympics
This aging vocal group put two odes to single mothers on their 2005 comeback holiday disc. The first one is sweet and sympathetic for the tough times a mother faces over the holiday season. But on “Christmas Time, Single Mommy,” things get a bit predatory: “Your man is gone, he’s abandoned you/ You and the children, too/ You must be crazy, because I’m looking for someone just like you/ Now that it’s Christmas time.” Creepy!

“Funky, Funky Xmas”

New Kids on the Block
Perhaps the least funky song ever made, this NKOTB yuletide filler track opens with a painfully acted conversation between Santa and a disgruntled elf. But you’d better believe that cheer returns to the North Pole when the New Kids rap terribly over a beat that sounds straight out of an unenthusiastic off-Broadway production of Stomp: “Funky Christmas and a Happy New Year/ How could you be booing it with Donnie D doing it?”

“Little Drummer Boy / Hot Hot Hot”

Wyclef Jean
Yeah, it’s a medley. He went there.

The Mix

REJOICE: Hear the first-ever Horrible Christmas Mixtape in its entirety below: