Illustrations by Kim Scafuro

Who would have guessed it? Turns out 2010 isn't going to be a lot like Arthur C. Clarke predicted when he wrote 2010: Odyssey Two back in 1982. We don't co-own half of the universe with the Soviets (yet), and we aren't hanging out with gaseous life forms on Jupiter. Bummer. That being said, we do have a black president and we still love a good party. So all is not lost. Celebrate the coming of the epic year that is 2010 with the best—and weirdest—New Year's Eve parties Portland has to offer.

The Year We Make Contact… On The Dance Floor

Electropoppers Lovers, plus a grip of DJs, join in for a hot-'n'-sweaty party for everyone, no matter your age, race, gender or sexuality. Er, actually, age does matter. 320 SE 2nd Ave. 9 pm. $8. 21+.

CC Slaughters
The Platinum Ball returns for another NYE at CC's featuring two DJs and a ton of sweaty boys who look like baby Abercrombie models. 200 NW 3rd Ave., 248-9135. 8 pm. $10. 21+.

Dots Cafe
DJ T-1-11 spins tunes that the Southeast hipster-dive promises will make the place go "from intelligent to unintelligible." And the best part? It's free! 2521 SE Clinton St. 235-0203. 9 pm. Free. 21+.

Egyptian Room
The cheap admission ticket covers a snack buffet, midnight champagne toast, early morning breakfast, and all the dancing and karaoke you can get in before 4 am. They also promise "wall-to-wall women." Niiice. 3701 SE Division St., 236-8689. 7 pm. $7 in advance, $10 at the door. 21+. Tickets available at

Fez Ballroom
Ring in the future in futuristic style with DJ Gregarious and DJ Carrion. "You will dance. You will be assimilated." 318 SW 11th Ave., 221-7262. 9 pm. $10. 21+.Tickets at

The Goodfoot
The club puts together a makeshift band outta its favorite musical regulars. The Goodfoot All Stars will play a (mostly) funk revue and will feature members from Everyone Orchestra, the Headhunters, Leftover Salmon and more. 2845 SE Stark St., 239-9292. 9 pm. $12. 21+.

We promise Reporter's electric dance-pop will get you jumping—the band has even been known to perform on trampolines. 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 8 pm. $10 advance, $15 door. 21+.

Norse Hall
Swing-dance your way into the new year with the Art Abrams Swing Machine Big Band. 111 NE 11th Ave. 236-3401. 9 pm. $35. All ages.

Fist-pump and ass-shake your way into 2010 and get rowdy with Japanther, Jaguar Love and their buddies at the best hipster dance party of the night. 315 SE 3rd Ave., 234-5683. 8 pm. $10. 21+. Tickets at

Wonder Ballroom
VJ KittyRox throws you a dance party. Oh, but it's not just a dance party! It's a music video and light show all set to the backbeat of your favorite '80s dance jams. Pretty rad. 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686. 9 pm. $7. 21+.

The Woods
P-Town's favorite boy-girl DJ duo, DJ Anjali & the Incredible Kid, spin bhangra- and Bollywood-themed music till midnight and beyond. 6637 SE Milwaukie Ave., 890-0404. 9 pm. $12 advance, $15 door. 21+. Tickets at

The Year We Make Contact… With Food

Choose from one of the restaurant's three-course prix fixe dinner options, all packed with Peruvian flavor and wine to accompany. Music by the Tracy Kim Trio and Sambafeat throughout the night. 1314 NW Glisan St., 228-9535. $75-$85, call for seating times/reservations. 21+.

The Italian prix fixe four-course dinner price also includes a champagne toast and entry to see the Norman Sylvester Band play jazz till midnight at this riverside restaurant. Or, skip the dinner and just drink and dance for 20 bucks at the door. 0470 SW Hamilton Court, 802-5850. Dinner at 5 pm, music at 9:30 pm. $52 per person. 21+.

A decadent six courser—truffles, caviar and lobster included—with an early 5 pm start time so you can party hop on a full stomach. 5425 NE 30th Ave., 841-6968. 5 pm. 9 pm seating waitlist only. $150 per person, wine included.

Four fabulous Northwestern courses and some bubbly for $65. Insert Fat Bastard joke here. 3500 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 249-9764. $65 per person. 21+.

Five courses of yummy Japanese food is enough to make us say "Akemashite omedetou gozaimasu!" (And now you know how to say Happy New Year in Japanese.) 215 SE 9th Ave., 239-8830. $55 per person, $30 additional for sake pairings. All ages.

Chef Jake Martin serves up a four-course meal with everything from Kumamoto oysters to Dungeness crab soup. High-class stomach padding for all that champagne you'll be drinking. 1632 NW Thurman St., 595-1782. 5:30 pm. $95 per person. All ages.

Seasonal dishes and ingredients with some Basque flair from lauded new chef Matthew Lightner. And a glass of bubbly is included. 1752 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 231-7373. $85 per person. 21+.

Savor a traditional kaiseki dinner—seven courses of food worthy of royalty from Japan, China, India and Thailand—at the tippy-top of downtown Portland. Inside the Nines, 525 SW Morrison St., 802-5370. Early seating at 5:30 pm, $85 per person. Late seating at 8:30 pm (includes bonus menu items and champagne), $150 per person. 21+.

Gilt Club
Dessert options on the red-hued restaurant's four-course prix fixe menu include a "chocolate pot de crème, lavender sea salt truffle, and chocolate financier with huckleberry sauce." Aaand we're drooling. 306 NW Broadway, 222-4458. $60 per person. All ages.

Lauro Kitchen
Say goodbye to 2009 with some of the most nicely priced, first-class dishes in the city, from black cod with yam and pistachio cous cous to Kumamoto oysters and chocolate amarena cherry trifle. 3377 SE Division St., 239-7000. Special menu prices. All ages.

A five-course prix fixe featuring Lincoln standards, like strip steak with blue cheese butter, with a touch of holiday flair. 3808 N Williams St., 228-6200. $65 per person. All ages.

If your partner doesn't eat things with a face and your motto is "the bloodier the better," you're in luck. Metrovino offers two different five-course dinners: one for veggies and one for carnivores. 1139 NW 11th Ave., 517-7778. $55 for vegetarian menu, $75 for meat menu. All ages.

Noble Rot's New Year's Rotten Eve Party
Tickets for this party at the Rot's new sky-high digs include tasty food, two drink coupons, sweet tunes, party favors, bubbly at midnight and prizes for the "sassiest" attire. So, get sassy, guys. 1111 E Burnside St., 233-1999. 9 pm. $75 per person. 21+.

Featuring a seven-course Venetian feast highlighting Italian food believed to bring you good luck in the new year. 1404 SE Morrison St., 234-2427. 5 pm. $50 per person. All ages.

Pix Pâtisserie
Portland's pastry crack mongers make it hard to kick that "eating healthy" resolution into effect with a free midnight buffet featuring chocolate mousse, chocolate ganache and chocolate beer to the first 100 guests at each location who buy bubbly after 11 pm. 3402 SE Division St., 232-4407, and 3901 N Williams Ave., 282-6539. 11 pm. Free. 21+.

Rock Bottom Brewery
An all-inclusive ticket gets you a buffet dinner, a DJ, champagne toast, party favors and a coat check. 206 SW Morrison St., 796-2739. 8 pm. $90. 21+.

Salty's on the Columbia
Count down to 2010 with a coconut-crusted prawn in one hand and a flute of bubbly in the other. It's a fancysurf-and-turf menu served with a stunning view of the Columbia River on the side. 3839 NE Marine Drive, 288-4444. 5-10 pm. $47.95-$89.95. 21+.

Simpatica Dining HallA five-course prix fixe dinner with a reasonable price—though it doesn't include booze and doesn't give you options for each course. That said, who would choose anything other than the lobster-claw ravioli with fennel broth and salt-cured foie gras? 828 SE Ash St., 235-1600. $75 per person. All ages.

Teardrop Cocktail Lounge
A prix fixe dinner with each of the five courses paired with high-class, inventive cocktails. Get full and drunk for the price of one! 1015 NW Everett St., 445-8109. 6 pm seating. $100 per person. 21+.

Urban Farmer
The Nines' other restaurant boasts a four-course prix fixe dinner that highlights sustainably farmed caviar and Oregon truffles. Inside The Nines, 525 SW Morrison St., 802-4900. 5 pm. $85. All ages.

The Year We Make Contact… With The Band

Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall
Love China so much you want to see her twice in one night? Here's your chance. Pink Martini puts on an early show for your grandma and a late show for your mom. 1037 SW Broadway, 248-4335. 7 and 10:30 pm. $20-$75. All ages.

Ash Street Saloon
Dead Moon's newish project, Pierced Arrows, pierces your partying ears with epic, ragged rock. 225 SW Ash St., 226-0430. 9:30 pm. $10. 21+.

Blue Monk
The New Iberians blues and zydeco band plays while you munch on free Creole cookin'. (Yes, that's right—free admission and free food! Like Mardi Gras two months early, without all the gross old boobs in your face!) 3341 SE Belmont St., 595-0575. 9 pm. Free. 21+.

Crystal Ballroom
The Masters of Funk New Year's Eve Party features both Sugarfoot's Ohio Players and the amazing, sultry voice of local diva Linda Hornbuckle. 1332 W Burnside St., 225-0047. 10 pm. $45. 25+.

If your taste in music is a little too diverse for normal NYE parties, Dante's presents Satan's Pilgrims, the Romanes, Church of Surf and DJ Aquaman. Four very different performances, all on one stage. 1 SW 3rd Ave., 226-6630. 9 pm. $15. 21+.

Doug Fir Lounge
Quasi, Portland's gold standard of indiedom, reveals a set devoted entirely to songs by the Who. We can only hope that includes Sam Coomes rockin' "Pinball Wizard" on electric keyboard. 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. 9 pm. $13 in advance, $15 at the door. 21+. Get tickets at

Traditional live Irish music from Amadan at the city's traditional Irish pub—and Prince cover band Erotic City (yesss!). 112 SW 2nd Ave., 227-4057. 9 pm. 21+.

The LaurelThirst
Ahem, ahem: Please welcome Laura Veirs, Chris Funk, Annalisa Tornfelt, Jon Neufeld with Nate Query and Tucker Martine. Plus guests Colin Meloy, Darrin Craig, Lewi Longmire and Maggie Lind. (Phew!) 2958 NE Glisan St., 232-1504. 8 pm. $20. 21+. Get tickets at

Mississippi Studios
The Builders and the Butchers, your five favorite Alaskan transplants (well, other than Sarah Palin), play Mississippi for NYE. 3939 N Mississippi St., 288-3895. 10 pm. $15. 21+. Get tickets at

Red Room
Think you're too heavy-metal for Portland? Wrong. Mentors grace us for New Year's with some of their heartfelt tunes, such as "I'm a Pervert" and "Stripper Polls." 2530 NE 82nd Ave., 256-3399. 8 pm. $7. 21+.

Roseland Theater
The Murder City Devils make hand-clapping and head-thrashing involuntary. 10 NW 6th Ave., 221-0288. 9 pm. $30-$50. 21+. Get tickets at

Two guys, a guitar and a drum set. Pure Country Gold is pure dirtied-up party magic. 1033 NW 16th Ave., 223-0099. 9 pm. Free. 21+.

Someday Lounge
Portland favorites the Fix and Lifesavas come together with out-of-towners Platinum Pied Pipers for a very hip-hop NYE. Funk, soul and bangin' beats should be bumping all night. 125 NW 5th Ave., 248-1030. 9 pm. $20 in advance, $25 at the door. 21+. Tickets at

Tony Starlight's Supper Club
Choose from three different options for the night: one with a five-course prix fixe, one with an early show and seating, or one with a late show and seating, all with great live jazz throughout the night. 3728 NE Sandy Blvd., 517-8584. 8 and 10:30 pm music shows. $20-$75. 21+.

The Year We Make Contact… In Somebody Else’s Bed

Benson Hotel
They've outdone themselves: Price includes a deluxe guest room for the night, entrance to a New Year's bash featuring the Bobby Torres Ensemble and flamenco dancers, party favors, champagne galore and overnight valet parking. Boom. 309 SW Broadway, 228-2000. 8 pm. $369-$599. 21+. Info at

Courtyard by Marriott and the Original
Two new businesses come together for an awesomely fatty NYE package. Two four-course meals and a bottle of bubbly at faux-diner the Original, followed by valet parking and a great room at the newly renovated adjacent hotel. And for cheap, too! 300 SW 6th Ave. 546-2666. Packages start at $199. 21+.

Heathman's Soulful New Year's Eve
Sip sweet cocktails and munch on a tasty five-course meal before gettin' down to the soulful serenade of Grammy-nominated R&B singer Patrick Lamb. Champagne toast at midnight included. 1001 SW Broadway, 241-4100. 6:30 pm. $125 per person. 21+. Info at

Hilton's Champagne Ball
The standard fancy booze-and-schmooze, with late-night pizza included! 921 SW 6th Ave., 226-1611. 8 pm. $75. 21+. Info at

Hotel Fifty & H50 Bistro
Nosh on foie gras bon bons and duck mole in Hotel Fifty's sleek dining room and then tumble into bed next door to celebrate in private—the hotel's Happy New Year package includes two prix fixe dinners, a champagne toast, party favors and late 2 pm checkout the next day. 50 SW Morrison St. Call 484-1415 for dinner reservations, 221-0711 for hotel reservations, $39 prix fixe dinner; hotel package including dinner for two $209 and up.

Hotel Lucia
Go old-school with party hats and tooting horns at this stylish downtown hotel. Price also includes hors d'oeuvres, two drink tickets and all the dancing you can handle. Don't want to cab it home afterward? It's offering great room rates for the night. 400 SW Broadway, 225-1717. 8 pm. $35. 21+. Info at

McMenamins Edgefield
Celebrate the coming decade by revisiting an old favorite. Overnight guests will get an exclusive free concert by Portland's premier '80s cover band the Breakfast Club. 2126 SW Halsey, Troutdale, 669-8610. Music at 8 pm. Packages $275-$465. 21+.

McMenamins Kennedy School
DJ Dr. Theopolis promises a "funkadelic rocking NYE" in the historic theater at the school. Free for overnight guests, the show is $35 for folks who just want to get funky on the dance floor and leave the beds for the superfreaks. 5736 NE 33rd Ave., 249-3983. Packages $395-$410. 21+.

The Nines
Fall into a Wonderland-themed party, including a Mad Hatter tea table, a huge marching band and stilt walkers. Then retire to a hotel room that's the same color as Alice's classic dress. 525 SW Morrison St., 877-229-9995. 9 pm. Party and room packages start at $299. 21+. Info at

Ron Jeremy's Club Sesso
Portland's Hedgehog-approved intercourse hub hosts the city's "most sexually extreme NYE party" complete with bubbly, balloon drop, DJ, sex swing, group beds, and, you know, boning. 824 SW 1st Ave., 8 pm. Full access package (9 pm-6 am) $80 couples, $30 single ladies, $125 single men. After Hours (1-6 am) couples $40, single ladies $15. 21+.

The Year We Make Contact… With Cambodians, Comedians And Cowboys

A Very Brody New Year
The Brody crew celebrates its first year in its downtown digs with a big New Year's improv bash with performances for all its ensemble members—full bar available and free food included. Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 224-2227. 8:30 pm. $12, $9 students. All ages.

BarFly Bus Tour
Leave the driving to the professionals and get chauffeured around to eight or so bars where the cover charges are paid for by BarFly. You'll also get New Year's paraphernalia and some bubbly at midnight—and a Jersey Shore-sized hangover. BarFly Bus departure location revealed only to ticket holders. Call 813-9999 for info. 7 pm. $25. 21+. Tickets at

Comedy Sportz
The sketch pros at ComedySportz have played more than 3,000 shows since the group was founded in 1993, so you can be sure they know what they're doing. Start the new year off right—by laughing your ass off. 1963 NW Kearney St., 236-8888, Shows at 7, 9 and 11 pm. $12.

Curious Comedy Theater
The improv masters at Curious Comedy sketch and skit their way into 2010. We were also promised aerial dancers. 5225 NE Martin Luther King Blvd., 477-9477, 8:30 pm. $20.10.

Darcelle XV
For the 43rd year, Darcelle and her fabulous cross-dressing friends throw a New Year's extravaganza with lots of glamour, goodies and, well, balls. Choose from a dinner show package or a cocktail-and-show package—both include a breakfast buffet and champagne toast at midnight. 208 NW 3rd Ave. 222-5338. Dinner and show, 7:30 pm, $65. Cocktails and show, 9 pm, $45. 21+.

Ground Kontrol
Free gaming all night on the 90-plus old-skool video games, plus sweet electro hip-hop beats by DJ Roxy Epoxy, DJ BJ and Copy. A way better soundtrack than listening to the "beep-boop beep-boop" of the Bad Dudes vs. DragonNinja game. 511 NW Couch St., 796-9364. 5 pm. $15. 21+.

Khmer Heritage Night
Eat Cambodian food, listen to Cambodian music and dance Cambodian dances. Plus win some sweet Cambodian prizes in the Cambodian raffle. It's all courtesy of the Cambodian-American Community of Oregon. Red Lion Hotel at Jantzen Beach, 909 N Hayden Island Drive, 998-2939. 5 pm. $35-$40 adults, $20 youth (13 and under), free ages 4 and under.

A Rip City New Year's
A party hosted by B Roy, L.A., Oden, Bayless and Webster? The only thing that would entice us more than the prospect of Blazers is free grub. Wait—that's included too?! Dude. The Agency, 1939 SW Morrison St., 548-2921. 9 pm. $25 advance tickets, $35 at the door. 21+.

The Heat Is On
Presented by Out Like That, Portland's lesbian event specialists, "The Heat Is On" party will turn the Hawthorne Theatre into a tropical island bash despite the cold weather outside. Featuring DJ Permanent Wave, plus burlesque and fire performances. Hawthorne Theatre, 3862 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 233-7100. 8 pm. $10 in advance, $15 day of. 21+. Tickets at

If you're more of a Mariah Carey crooner than a Ginger Rogers mover, skip the dancing and sing your way into the new year in one of Voicebox's personal karaoke boxes. Hourly bubbly top-off included! 2112 NW Hoyt St., 303-8220. $100-$175 per hour, per room. Reservations required. Open at 6 pm. 21+.

Let 'er Buck Ball
It's outta town, but too weird not to mention. A totally contradictory cowboy celebration: Wear your Justin boots, grub on steak and swig whiskey—while mingling with dignitaries and bidding on a silent auction. Proceeds from the tickets go to the Pendleton Round-Up Centennial Plaza project. Hamley Steak House, 30 SE Court Ave., Pendleton, 541-276-2553. 7:30 pm. $150. 21+. Info at