IMAGE: Ryan Bubnis

It will come as a shock to absolutely no one to learn that my romantic history, such as it is, has been paved with swift disappointment and extravagant failure (plus an unfortunate dodgeball incident). It might be slightly more surprising to learn that Multnomah County Commissioner Jeff Cogen was once forced on a blind date by his mother, or that radio ace Tara Dublin was served terrifying Jell-O rings by her future in-laws. This Thursday, the three of us will join five other Portland personalities in revealing our most horrifying and absurd dating experiences to an audience at the Bagdad Theater, in a benefit for Planned Parenthood Advocates of Oregon: "It's Not Me, It's You: Stories From the Dark Side of Dating."

"Everyone's got a bad date story, it seems—the hard part is picking just one," says PPAO director Roey Thorpe, whose own tale somehow manages to involve a double-wide trailer and the Multnomah County corrections department. "I imagine that couples will leave wanting to show their gratitude to the one they love, and single people will go get another cat." For my part, I like to think that just hearing about my past can serve as an innovative form of birth control. You're welcome, ma'am.

[WORDS]

To queer identify or not to queer identify—that is the question.

[MUSIC]

Sea Wolf frontman Alex Church's strong, stringy tenor might make your ears do a double-take—he sounds like an amped-up version of Conor Oberst.

[SCREEN]

Get out your jackets: This recounting of an attempt to scale Mt. Eiger is chilling, with extraordinary cinematography from Kolja Brandt that will leave mouths agape through the last 45 minutes of film.

[WORDS] A WEATHER
Somehow, the hushed Portland pop outfit failed to take over the world on the power of its fantastic full-length debut, Cove. Everyday Balloons should push the band to a much wider audience. The Artistery. 4315 SE Division St. 8 pm. $6. All ages.

[CLASSICAL]

The early-music choir performs short pieces of Renaissance music (by Claudio Monteverdi, Thomas Tallis, Orlando di Lasso and Thomas Morley) with a kind of storyline involving the daily activities of a hapless music master.

[MUSIC] ST. VINCENT
In any other year—that is, one without Veckatimest, Merriweather Post Pavilion and Bitte Orca—St. Vincent's 2009 sophomore effort, Actor, would've received a lot more kudos. Her music juxtaposes the singer's porcelain voice and richly decorated arrangements against bloody stabs of serrated guitar. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St. 9 pm. $15 advance, $17 day of show. 21+.

[HAITI/ACROBAT RELIEF]

The many students of acrobat Stefan Furst come together to raise funds to pay for the medical bills their mentor incurred after a windsurfing accident. Furst, ever generous, is going to donate much of the proceeds right back—to Haiti earthquake relief efforts.