Man-Cakes Courtesy of Stepping Stone Cafe

This Sunday isn't simply the annual ceremony wherein we honor our mothers. It is also the day we honor the mothers we are fucking, or the mothers we would like to fuck. Mother-fucking is not a covenant to be entered into lightly or unadvisedly, but discreetly, reverently and with great deliberation. Your MILF deserves nothing less than the choicest events Portland has to offer.

Barracuda, 9 NW 2nd Ave., 228-6900. 9:30 pm Wednesday, May 5. $10.

Nothing says "You are my flavor of love, you mother of somebody's children" quite like an evening in the rarefied company of Flava Flav. She will know this night is special because he's wearing a giant clock.

Regal Fox Tower Stadium 10, 846 SW Park Ave., 221-3280. Opens May 7. $7.50-$10.50.

In a relationship, it is important to find common interests. She had a baby at least one time; you are dating somebody who had a baby. Common interest!

Norse Hall, 111 NE 11th Ave., 236-3401. 8:30 am-1 pm Sunday, May 9. $6.

If by chance your MILF is a Norwegian flight attendant, she is sure to enjoy this taste of her homeland. If she is not, she probably still enjoys pancakes. Everybody likes pancakes.

Memorial Coliseum, 1 Center Court, 235-8771. 6:15 pm Saturday, May 8. $45-$70.

Sometimes you cannot find the words to say how you really feel. You have to let a poet say the words for you. Example: "Dressed up like a princess/ Bettin' that her skin smells/ Better than the scent of every flower in the desert, come on!"

Brody Theater, 16 NW Broadway, 224-2227. 7 pm Sunday, May 9. $12.

Spontaneity is the best way to keep the spark in your romance. This improv show is based on information provided from the mothers in the audience. This would be a great time to let everybody know that you are fucking.



For the trailer park mom: groovy, satanic metal? You know she'll dig it.

Dante’s, 1 SW 3rd Ave., 226-6630. 8 pm. $16. 21+.



For moms who like watching people poop in other people's mouths. This is, admittedly, a small subsection of moms, but for those select few, this is the best Mother's Day weekend ever.

Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st Ave., 223-4515. 11:30 pm. $5-$8.

For the hipster poet mom: A man walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Do you want to play a show here in a few months?" The man says, "Yes, this would be a lovely place to play." All of Portland loses its shit at the thought of seeing Jonathan Richman in a tiny dive. The Know, 2026 NE Alberta St., 473-8729. 8 pm. $10. 21+.



Hey, nerdy mamas:


Adam Savage, comedy/music duo Paul & Storm and the dude who plays Wesley Crusher from

Star Trek: The Next Generation

unite to create the mother of all geek fests.

Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 234-9694. 7 pm. $25 advance, $27 door.



For the literary mother: Vana O'Brien and Luisa Sermol lovingly mock the Brontë sisters.

TaborSpace, 5441 SE Belmont St., 230-8827. 7:30 pm Thursday-Friday and Sunday, May 6-7 and 9. $15, $8 students and seniors.

World-traveling baby makers should enjoy East India's brunch buffet—inspired by culinary director Pradeep Chandrana's memories of eating at small food carts with his mother in Mumbai and Karachi. East India Co., 821 SW 11th Ave., 227-8815. 11 am-4 pm. $15.95.



Calling all smarty-pants moms: Famed author Isabel Allende gives her first Portland lecture in more than 20 years.

Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 248-4335. 7:30 pm Tuesday, May 11. All seats are reserved. $45 tickets include a signed copy of the book. $25-$45. All ages.