When I was asked to write down five things I hate about Portland, my initial reaction was "only five?" I did six.

The Blazers
They've only won one championship in 40 years and that was in 1977. Get used to it, Portland...they fucking suck and you yelling at the TV does nothing to help. Also, when you recap the game's ending to me and say "WE lost," I immediately want to punch you in the fucking face because "YOU" had nothing to do with it.

Mount Hood
Seems like a death trap to me.

You know, in California I-5 sometimes has seven lanes going in one direction. This shit here by the Rose Quarter only has two, and people wonder why it takes forever to get anywhere. Get with the times, you fucking hicks!

Fleet Week
Drunken sailors are only funny in comics, not in real life. What does this contingent really bring to this city once a year? Class? Style? Nope. Just one big headache. It's not like they were fighting at Pearl Harbor last week. They're just annoying and ridiculous.

Hey, you bunch of filthy fucks, guess what? You clogging up downtown beating a bucket or walking on stilts is not going to further whatever lame cause you have. Most people who get caught up in your shit worked a full day and just want to go home.

The Portland Mercury
What a piece of shit this is!


The Punk Group plays its final show Thursday, May 13, at Dante's. 9 pm. $5. 21+.