ILLUSTRATION: Adam Krueger
Soccer, like most spectator sports, is primarily an excuse to get drunk and yell in a room full of like-minded yahoos. Because this year’s World Cup is in Cape Town, South Africa, literally on the other side of the globe, you’ll have to do your drunken yelling in the morning. This severely limits the number drunken-yelling venues available. We’ve booked the first week for you; after that, you’re on your own.
Friday, JUNE 11
What to watch: Mexico vs. South Africa, 7 am.
Where to watch it: Kells Irish Pub, 122 SW 2nd Ave.
What to drink: Ireland was denied a place in the competition by a scandalous French handball, so down a conciliatory Guinness and toast our friends to the south with a side of pico de gallo.
Saturday, JUNE 12
What to watch: England vs. U.S., 11:30 am.
Where to watch it: Director Park, Southwest 9th Avenue between Taylor and Yamhill streets.
What to drink: This is a family-friendly, city-sponsored event, so keep your flask of Wild Turkey Rye hidden.
Sunday, JUNE 13
What to watch: Germany vs. Australia, 11:30 am.
Where to watch it:Prost!, 4237 N Mississippi Ave.
What to drink:Spaten Dunkel, on draft.
Monday, JUNE 14
What to watch: Japan vs. Cameroon, 7 am, and Italy vs. Paraguay, 11:30 am.
Where to watch it: Piazza Italia, 1129 NW Johnson St.
What to drink:First, espresso from the restaurant’s Italian breakfast buffet (available only during the World Cup). Then, start in on the house red.
Tuesday, JUNE 15
What to watch: Côte d’Ivoire vs. Portugal, 7 am.
Where to watch it: Marathon Taverna, 1735 W Burnside St.
What to drink: Portugal still hasn’t gotten over losing the UEFA championship at home to Greece in 2004, but what do you care? Drink ouzo.
WEDNESDAY JUNE 9
[WORDS] STEVE WILSON
In this Oregonian’s new book, The Boys From Little Mexico: A Season Chasing the American Dream, fútbol, not football, is the center of a local high school’s universe. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651. 7:30 pm. Free.
THURSDAY JUNE 10
[MUSIC] KENNY DOPE AT THE FIX
Kenny Dope—half of the production squad Masters at Work—is one of the most eclectic guests the weekly hip-hop event has hosted to date. Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th Ave., 248-1030. 9 pm. $6. 21+.
FRIDAY JUNE 11
[STAGE] THE FIRESIGN THEATRE
The very strange radio comedy quartet performs “Waiting for the Electrician,” “Don’t Crush That Dwarf” and an improvised Nick Danger story, live. Winningstad Theatre, Portland Center for the Performing Arts, 1111 SW Broadway, 248-4335. 7:30 pm Friday-Saturday. $45.50-$50.75.
SATURDAY JUNE 12
[MUSIC] SCHOOL OF ROCK PERFORMS STOP MAKING SENSE
Uh, it’s little kids playing Talking Heads music. Presumably they’ll be all dressed up in oversize suits, too. Hawthorne Theater, 3862 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 233-7100. 12:30 pm and 4:30 pm. $12. All ages.
[SEX] PDX MASTURBATE-A-THON
Give a one-handed round of applause for the Darklady’s 10th annual self-love fest, packed with DJs, porn stars, dirty movies, S&M play spaces and mechanical sex machines. 720 SE Hawthorne Blvd. 6 pm. $60, $25 with decadent, fetish or dressy attire. 21+. Visit masturbate-a-thon.org to RSVP (required).
MONDAY JUNE 14
[STAGE] DRAMMY AWARDS
The annual celebration of outstanding achievement in PDX theater returns to the Crystal. Michael O’Connell, whose superpowered good looks have a Bieber-like effect on audiences, hosts. Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St., drammy.info. 7 pm. Free.
TUESDAY JUNE 15
[MOVIES] PORT OF MEMORY
Cinema Project winds down its remarkably strong spring season with Palestinian filmmaker Kamal Aljafari’s histo-geographical blur of Jaffa. Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton St., 238-8899. 6:45 pm Tuesday-Wednesday, June 15-16. $7 suggested donation. Director in attendance.