Every man has his secret roster of "fantasy" sex partners. And every once in while, one of us lucky stiffs gets a chance to check a player off our list. Construction worker on a loading dock? Done him. Speedo-sporting high-divers in town for an Olympics trial? I bagged my limit at three.

But there's one creature I gave up on long before I settled down with my Juan and only.

That hominid is the elusive straight man.

Sure, some guys I'd slept with said they were straight. But when push came to love, these boys bit the pillow just like every other homo. Fact is, I don't know a lot of straight men who like to suck meat (unless they're really, really drunk).

That's why I find the plethora of websites devoted to "tricking" straight men into having sex with gay men so perplexing. These new homo haunts go far beyond the fringes of gay-for-pay peep shows. You know, the ones where "het" dudes bust their hump for dollars? Those guys at least know what hump they're bumping.

Websites like Bait Bus and Seduced Straight Guys want you to literally buy into what is essentially male rape.

Bait Bus pulls unsuspecting straight guys right off the street, throws them in a van, shows them a semi-nude female, then blindfolds the poor fella and switches out the her for a him. When the straight shooter finds out he is in for a whole mound of man-flesh and puts up a fight, money is waved in front of his penis. That's supposed to make the whole switching-teams thing easier to swallow. After all that commotion, the van starts to rock all hot and homo. I guess the point is that straight guys will fuck anything that moves--in anything that moves. But the only thing moving here is my stomach.

That's because these sites, alongside Cruise Patrol, Sergeant Sodomy, Tranny Trick and a slew of others that are targeted to gay men (but look like they're created by straight folk) tell queers it's fine to hate yourself and your kind. Not only that, it offers up an age-old cliché: "Hey, butt buddy, the only way you're going to get some decent sex is if you force some straight dude down on his knees." Beyond that pleasant notion, it also buys into the straight guy's biggest fear about homos--that somehow queers have the power to force their penises into virgin territory, specifically his straight-male ass.

Now, I have a hunch that a lot of the guys on these sites are anything but straight. And I guess that's OK if you're into role-playing. But these sites don't want you to think it's a put-on. They want you to think they actually seduced straight men to switch sides. Would we like them to do that to queers? I don't think so. Coerced sex is not sex. It's rape, and that's no fantasy.

Here are a few of the sites that straight men fear and gay men love: www.baitbus.com , www.cruisepatrol.com , www.sergeant-sodomy.com , www.trannytrick.com and www.seducedstraightguys.com .

J- Lo- ho- ho

Take a break from the turkey. Get some well-deserved dessert at a CD listening party for the new Jennifer Lopez release,

This Is Me...Then.
Boxxes, 1025 SW Stark St., 226-4171. 10 pm Friday, Nov. 29.

Trailer Trash

"Jedediah Presents Trailer Trash" is another dance party with DJ Stormy at an Eagles Lodge. As weird as it sounds, it doesn't get better than this. And wow--win a BMX!

Eagles Lodge, 4904 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 10 pm Saturday, Nov. 30. $5 non- members, $2 members.