Sweatering It Out: Sweaters

Rug Rats: Babies

Drama Teens: Boys & Girls

Mommie Dearest: Women

Badass Dads: Men

Friends, Lovers & Significant Sinners

Rich Bitches

Seasoned Seniors: Grandparents

Last Resort: Resortwear

Bundling up for sweater weather can be a big snooze. It's bitter cold and dark before dinner--why else would you tolerate "turtles" or "cowls" anywhere near your body? In our desperate quest for warmth, we once made tragic style sacrifices, but no more! Banish the bulky, itchy and scratchy. This season's sweaters have enough chic (and cheek) to satisfy even the most fashion-forward reveler--without sacrificing warmth or softness. Check out these woolly mammoths!

Lunatic Fringe
If you think sweaters begin and end with the crewneck, there's a whole world of bowknots, baubles, ties and tassels out there just waiting for you. The Tocca fringed pullover ($150, Matisse, 1411 NE Broadway, 287-5414) is woven from ultra-soft wool in light lilac or rich currant purple, with neck and cuffs adorned with festive wool fringe. This romantic-yet-arty number is great for après-ski kissy-face sessions in the lodge, but beware of dangling fibers when stoking the Yule log. No need to set yourself on fire this holiday season--yet.

Six-Pack Abs
Remember those riotous Coogi pullovers Bill Cosby wore back in his Huxtable days? Heinous? Heavenly? Well, they were definitely unforgettable ( If you don't want to humor yourself with a king-of-'80s-sitcoms clone, perhaps you could go for the King of Beers. That's right, a cold-proof Budweiser sweater ($50, Glamour Gallery, 9 SE 28th Ave., 231-0888) is ready to pop its top for you. And nothing says "Release me from this Christmas nightmare" like chugging a tallboy in a Bud novelty sweater.

Eye Spy
If an international diamond thief transporting a briefcase of stolen South African square-cuts to Switzerland carries only one thing in her overnight bag, it's a You Must Create sweater and balaclava ($162/$66, Poker Face, 128 SW 3rd Ave., 294-0445). Finely woven of sleek, scratch-free fibers, this attractively two-toned hooded sweater is one dope disguise.

Stripe Tease
Spend that get-out-of-fashion-jail-free card and dare to wear a horizontal-stripe, lambswool, turtleneck sweater ($29.50, Old Navy, 1752 Jantzen Beach Center, 289-8975, and other locations, Who needs to slim down when you've got more sweet stripes than a candy cane? Six gradations of color create a pretty pattern, while generous ribbed cuffs taper the sleeves. Still, you might roll them up before hitting the ribbon-candy dish.

Shoulder Taps
For your favorite foot soldier, you could march down to the surplus store and pick him up an old army sweater--but then there's that old-army-sweater smell. A Paul Frank scout sweater ($66, Retread Threads, 931 SW Oak St., 916-0000) brings reveille dash and refinement--not to mention April freshness--to men's military chic. Tightly woven wool (in an inky blue-black) is reinforced with indigo denim shoulder insets.

Needling Toward Nirvana
Let your grunge flag fly with an assortment of Cobain-esque, vintage cardigan mohair sweaters (not pictured; Decades Vintage Company, 328 SW Stark St., 223-1177). Decades has both the fancy, satin-lined variety ($65) and the grittier versions ($38)--you know, like the puke-green one Kurt wore on MTV Unplugged. Not only will you be on the cusp of early-'90s retro, but it's sure to piss off Courtney, too.