Sweatering It Out: Sweaters

Rug Rats: Babies

Drama Teens: Boys andGirls

Mommie Dearest: Women

Badass Dads: Men

Friends, Lovers & Significant Sinners

Rich Bitches

Seasoned Seniors: Grandparents

Last Resort: Resortwear

The frivolous fashion world calls the dead of winter "resort season" and spits out glittery thongs, platinum belly chains and tropical-print pareos with a "Meet me in Mykonos" abandon. You may not actually be trotting off to oily Greek isles or the sun-baked cliffs of Capri this winter, but that's no reason not to create an exotic refuge right in your own living room. Slip into your flimsiest chiffon, your most revealing rayon. Lather on the cocoa butter as you sample your champagne and sugar cookies. Sure, it isn't Bermuda, but if you close your eyes, it's pretty damn close.Vintage resortwear clothing featured on this page is from Lady Luck Vintage, 1 SE 28th Ave., 233-4041. Jewelry and eyewear is from Glamour Gallery, 9 SE 28th Ave., 231-0888.

Hula Honey-Makers
You're more than a mere man; don a classic rayon Hawaiian print shirt ($65) and you're Magnum friggin' P.I. And when you get up to do the Macarena under the subtropical stars, your printed coconut palms will appear to wave in the breeze. It's a nice effect that will have the ladies watching your shoreline!

International Male
Beat the heat with breezy, breathable and extremely versatile navy linen trousers ($39). Not only can you cuff them for a romantic evening wade, you can also sport them long to sample the surf-and-turf at the Windrunner Supper Club. The only thing that would make this night any better is Jimmy Buffett on the jukebox and a brimming carafe of rosé.

Bon Voyeur
Float on a froth of romance in this peachy swirl chiffon '60s tent dress ($59). Ultra-fine layers of polyester chiffon appear to hover as you slowly, gracefully descend the stairs to the Lido deck. What mystery/mischief do you hide in those heavenly folds? Only your chambermaid knows for sure.

Peachy Seen
The leathery, liver-spotted mugs at the roulette table are a cautionary tale for your snowy, Bryn Mawr-bred complexion. Shade that blue-blooded blush in a peach tulle-wrapped hat ($65).

Sole Zingers
Long, lean and glistening with Coppertone. You earned those pins striding all 18 holes of Pebble Beach--who cares how many balls you lost? Flaunt your curvy calves in a pair of white and gold strappy sandals ($39).

Four Scorin'
It wouldn't be Club Med if you didn't get lucky. Increase your odds with a lucky clover pendant ($10). This dangling charm nestles neatly between your sculpted, hairy pectorals--you didn't log all those hours of cardio striptease to spend your nights all alone, now did you?

Jean Claude Killer
From the slopes to the ropes--you're a ski-and-sail dynamo in these red, white and blue mirrored sunglasses ($45). They cut the equatorial glare--and disguise your ogle-eyed booty patrolling.

Part Jacqueline, part space alien, get truly otherworldly in these mother-of-pearl hand-sculpted sunglasses ($150). Your face hasn't been this big an event since your last debutante cotillion.

Minnie's Pearls|
You may keep your real jewels in the ship's safe, but a rope of faux pearls ($10) is an absolute must for dinner at the captain's table. Twine them seductively about your fingers as you discuss international diplomacy and dear old Capt. Stubing hasn't got a prayer.