In the Bard, a man of humble origin didst ascend to become the finest author of any land or any era. Naturally, this tale of triumph doth itch the monied and powerful and they do it scratch by giving the Complete Works to some other figure. O'er five years, the Metal Shakespeare Company's purpose hath been to drown such claims in waves of metal, pulled forth by the true Bard's moon. Thou must this struggle continue.

Francis Bacon
A knave of the worst sort who didst perish whilst attempting to freeze meat.

Queen Elizabeth I
She couldst not achieve intercourse let alone pun on't!

Earl of Oxford
Too busy jousting for proper sonnetry.

Christopher Marlowe
Couldst not rhyme his way out of a tavern scuffle.

Shakespeare Stout Bottle
Thou dost fool me once shame on you, and if twice, shame upon...upon...fie!


The Metal Shakespeare Company plays its final show on Friday, Jan. 21, at the Ash Street Saloon. 9 pm. $5. 21+.