Well, that was a miserable year. Between the earthquakes, the oil spill, the moribund Oregon economy, the rampant insanity of right-wing rhetoric and the lack of decent summer movies to break up the torment, we can't wait to commit 2010 to the dustbin of recent history. But worse than all the suffering of the past 12 months would be ringing in the new year at a dull party—the kind where everyone passes out by 11:30 pm; or the hosts vanish, leaving you in the company of strangers; or someone vomits in every room of the house. To help you avoid a fate like that and pick the perfect celebration, we've compiled every party in town, in alphabetical order. Choose wisely.
Thinkin' about tomorrow at Northwest Children's Theater. NW Neighborhood Cultural Center, 1819 NW Everett St., 222-4480. 5 pm. $13-$22.
Comedy Night at the Bagdad
Lonnie Bruhn, Shawn Fleek, Jimmy Newstetter, Mark Kikel, Kyle Harbert, Christian Rickettes, Virginia Jones, Whitney Streed, Travis Jones and Arlo Stone, hosted by Tristan Spillman. 3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 467-7521, mcmenamins.com. 10 pm. $10. 21+.
Competitive improv comedy. 1963 NW Kearney St., 236-8888, portlandcomedy.com. 7, 9 and 11 pm. $12. All ages.
The recent Public Theatre revival, now on tour. Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay St., 241-1802, portlandopera.org. $41.95-$85.55.
A supremely unfunny comic. 1510 SE 9th Ave., 643-8669, portland.heliumcomedy.com. 7:30 and 10 pm. $25. 10 pm show includes dessert buffet. 21+.
The Santaland Diaries
Wade McCollum performs a stage adaptation of David Sedaris' memoir of a miserable season spent at Macy's Santaland. Gerding Theater, 128 NW 11th Ave., 445-3700. 5 pm. $55, $23 students.
The Two Gentlemen of Verona
Northwest Classical Theatre presents Shakespeare's weakest comedy, in which the best scenes go to a dog. Shoe Box Theater, 2110 SE 10th Ave., 971-244-3740. 7 pm. $15-$18. All ages.
Aladdin Theater: Brandi Carlile
3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 234-9694, aladdin-theater.com. 9:30 pm. $100. 21+.
Alberta Rose Theatre: Storm Large, Holcombe Waller
3000 NE Alberta St., 719-6055, albertarosetheatre.com. 7:30 pm. (10:30 pm show sold out). $50. 21+.
Alberta Street Public House: Buster Blue, Left Coast Country
1036 NE Alberta St., 284-7665, myspace.com/albertastreetpub. 9:30 pm.
Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall: Pink Martini
1037 SW Broadway, ticketmaster.com. 7 and 10:30 pm. $26.50-$89. All ages.
Ash Street Saloon: Pierced Arrows, The Estranged, Don't, Hairspray Blues
225 SW Ash St., 226-0430, ashstreetsaloon.com. 9:30 pm. $8. 21+.
Backspace: The Shaky Hands, Boy Eats Drum Machine, Vanimal
115 NW 5th Ave., 248-2900, backspace.bz. 9 pm. $12. All ages.
Barracuda: DJ Jack, Christa Chaos
9 NW 2nd Ave., clubbarracuda.com. 8 pm. $10. 18+.
Benson Hotel: Copacabana gala with Bobby Torres Jazz Ensemble
309 SW Broadway, 228-2000, bensonhotel.com. $100, includes buffet dinner. 21+.
Biddy McGraw's: Funk Shui
6000 NE Glisan St., 233-1178, biddymcgraws.com. 9:30 pm. $10. 21+.
Blue Monk: Brothers of the Baladi
3341 SE Belmont St., 595-0575, thebluemonk.com. 8 pm. $10.
Bossanova Ballroom: MCTuff and Devin Phillips, Materialized and Scott Law, DJ Harry and Jans Ingber, Stephanie Schneiderman
722 E Burnside St., nyeportland.com. 8 pm. $37.50 advance, $50 day of show. 21+.
Branx: Lazer Sword, Eliot Lipp, Virtual Boy, R/D, Tyler Tastemaker
320 SE 2nd Ave., abstractearthproject.com. 9 pm. $20. 21+.
Buffalo Gap: Ill Lucid Onset, HEMA
6835 SW Macadam Ave., 244-7111, thebuffalogap.com. 9 pm. Free. 21+.
Clyde's Prime Rib: Cool Breeze
5474 NE Sandy Blvd., 281-9200, clydesprimerib.com. 9 pm. Free. 21+.
The Copacabana: Barrio Latino
17 SE 8th Ave., 740-9100, copacabanapdx.com. 10 pm. $5-$18. 21+.
Couture Ultra Lounge: DJ Sovern-T
28 NW 4th Ave., 206-8866, coutureultralounge.com. 7 pm. $40 includes C Burgers all night. 21+.
Crush Bar: Madonna vs. Lady Gaga with DJ Gutter Glamour, DJ Alicious
1400 SE Morrison St., facebook.com/cravedanceparty. 8 pm. $7. 21+.
Crystal Ballroom: Keith Sweat and Mint Condition, Tracy Harris, Mike Phillips (seated show)
1332 W Burnside St., 225-0047, danceonair.com. 9 pm. $55. 21+.
Dante's: Floater, Iceland
350 W Burnside St., 226-6630, danteslive.com. 9 pm. $20 advance, $25 day of show. 21+.
Doc George's Jazz Kitchen: Jay Harris and the Moon by Night Trio
4605 NE Fremont St., 287-7067, docgeorgesjazzkitchen.com. 8 pm. Free. 21+
Dots: DJ T-1-11
2521 SE Clinton St., 235-0203. 9 pm. 21+. Free.
Doug Fir Lounge: Weinland's New Year's Eve Supergroup, Sallie Ford & the Sound Outside, DJ Safi
830 E Burnside St., 231-9663, dougfirlounge.com. 9 pm. $15 advance, $17 day of show. 21+.
Duff's Garage: DK Stewart Band & The Soul Survivor Horns, Steve Kerin
1635 SE 7th Ave., 234-2337, duffsgarage.com. 9:30 pm. $20. 21+.
East Burn: The Crash Engine
1800 E Burnside St., 236-2876, theeastburn.com. 10 pm. Free. 21+.
East End: New Year's Evil with Sick Jaggers, Gatekeeper, Soft Metals
203 SE Grand Ave., eastendpdx.com. 10 pm. $5. 21+.
Fire on the Mountain East: Scrafford Orser
1708 E Burnside St., 230-9464, portlandwings.com.
Gemini Bar and Grill: Merrill
456 N State St., Lake Oswego, 636-9445. 9 pm. $10 advance, $15 day of show. 21+.
The Great Hall Restaurant: Color Phobos
1406 SW Broadway, 477-7335, greathallrestaurant.com. 8 pm. Free. All ages.
The Goodfoot: Scott Pemberton Superband, Soul Stew DJs
2845 SE Stark St., 239-9292, thegoodfoot.com. 9 pm. $10-$15. 21+.
Groove Suite: Basquerade with El Cucuy of Assemble the Empire, Gray Ayer, CapCom D of Fly by Night, Angry Buddha, Flying J
440 NW Glisan St., 227-5494. 9 pm. $23-$33. 21+.
Ground Kontrol: DJ Ghostdad, DJ Epor, DJ Capcom
511 NW Couch St., 796-9364, groundkontrol.com. 5 pm. $15 includes free play on all games. 21+.
Hilton Portland and Executive Tower: Champagne Ball with Hit Machine
921 SW 6th Ave., champagneball.com. 8 pm. $80-$110. 21+.
Holocene: Strength, We Like Cats, Benoît Pioulard, DJ Beyondadoubt, DJ Copy, DJ Zac Eno, Sex Life
1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639, holocene.org. 8 pm. $12. 21+.
Jade Lounge: Eric Stern and Ashia Grzesik
2342 SE Ankeny St., 236-4998, jadeloungepdx.com. 6 and 9 pm. $55 and $40. 21+.
Jimmy Mak's: Linda Hornbuckle
221 NW 10th Ave., 295-6542, jimmymaks.com. 7:30 pm. $20-$25. 21+.
Kennedy School: The Breakfast Club, Freak Mountain Ramblers
5736 NE 33rd Ave., 249-3983, mcmenamins.com. 8 pm. $35. 21+.
The Knife Shop: Federale
426 SW Washington St., 228-3669, kellysolympian.com. 9 pm. Free. 21+.
LaurelThirst Public House: Two Beers Veirs' New Year's, Jackstraw
2958 NE Glisan St., 232-1504, laurelthirst.com. 9:30 pm. $20. 21+.
Mission Theater: Langhorne Slim and the Law
1624 NW Glisan St., 223-4527, mcmenamins.com. 9 pm. $20-$25. 21+.
Mississippi Pizza: The Jim Jams
3552 N Mississippi Ave., 288-3231, mississippipizza.com. 10 pm. $7. 21+.
Mississippi Studios: The Helio Sequence, Ramona Falls, Dirty Mittens
3939 N Mississippi Ave., 288-3895, mississippistudios.com. 9 pm. $22-$25. 21+.
Mock Crest Tavern: Donna and the Side Effects
3435 N Lombard St., 283-5014, mockcrest.com. 9 pm. Free. 21+.
Mount Tabor Theater: Jerry Joseph & Jackmormons, Richmond Fontaine
4811 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 360-1450, taborpdx.com. 9 pm. $35. 21+.
Original Halibut's: Jim Wallace and the House Cats
2525 NE Alberta St., 808-9601, halibuts.squarespace.com. 9 pm. Free. 21+.
Plan B: Poison Idea, Antiworld
1305 SE 8th Ave., 230-9020, myspace.com/planbportlandbooking. $10. 21+.
Ponderosa Lounge: Rodeo Rose
Jubitz Portlander Marketplace, 10350 N Vancouver Way, 800-523-1193, portlanderinn.com. 9 pm. $10. 21+.
Red Room: Betrayed by Weakness, No Regard, The Ascendents, Aethyrium
2530 NE 82nd Ave., 256-3399, redroomportland.com. 9 pm. 21+.
Roseland Theater: King Nicky's Countdown with Andre Nickatina, Paul Wall, The Jacka, Smoov-E, Cool Nutz
8 NW 6th Ave. 224-8499, roselandpdx.com. 8 pm. $55. All ages.
Rotture: Wajeed, Doc Adam, DJ Kez, Dundiggy, Illmaculate, TxE
315 SE 3rd Ave., 234-5683, rotture.com. 9 pm. $20. 21+.
Secret Society Lounge Masquerade Ball: Midnight Serenaders, Little Sue, Miz Kitty, Dee Settlemier, Captain James Cook
116 NE Russell St., 493-3600, thesecretsocietylounge.com. 9 pm. $25-$30. 21+.
Slabtown: Pure Country Gold, The Pity Fucks, The Sons of Bitches
1033 NW 16th Ave., 223-0099, slabtownbar.net. 9 pm. Free. 21+.
Someday Lounge: Prince vs. Michael with DJ Dave Paul
125 NW 5th Ave., 248-1030, somedaylounge.com. 8 pm. $15. 21+.
The Spare Room: The Caleb Klauder Country Band
4830 NE 42nd Ave., 287-5800, spareroompdx.com. 9 pm. $10. 21+.
TA Event Center: DRC, Roman Zawodny, James Renegade, Phreek D, Dustin Hulton, J2K, TinkFu, Vize, Jaden, Echoik, Ill-Eeze One, Jragon, Monkey, Joel Crane, Hogan 54, DJ Daze, Deformaty, J Funk, Tarzan, Kidlogic, Ronin
300 NE Multnomah St., 750-4020, brownpapertickets.com/event/137415. 8 pm. $30. 18+.
Tiga: Count Lips, Tiny Vinyl, Champagne Jam
1465 NE Prescott St., 288-5534, tigabar.com. 9 pm. Free. 21+.
Tonic Lounge: The Band Who Fell to Earth (David Bowie Tribute), Vellarest
3100 NE Sandy Blvd., 238-0543, myspace.com/thetoniclounge.
Tony Starlight's: The Best of the Tony Starlight Show
3728 NE Sandy Blvd., 517-8584, tonystarlight.com. 8 and 10:30 pm. $25, $65 with meal.
Twilight Cafe & Bar: The Proud and the Damned, Southpaw, Deathproof
1420 SE Powell Blvd., 232-3576, twilightcafeandbar.com. 9:30 pm. $3. 21+.
Uptown Billiards: Karaoke from Hell
120 NW 23rd Ave., 226-6909, uptownbilliards.com. 6 pm. Free. 21+.
Urban Studio: DJ Zeem, Nathan Jenkins
206 NW 10th Ave., 928-4547, liquid2011.com. 7:30 pm-morning. Buffet from 7:30-9 pm. $40. 21+.
Valentine's: DJ E*Rock
232 SW Ankeny St., 248-1600, valentineslifeblood.blogspot.com.
Weird Bar: DJ Troy
3701 SE Division St., 236-8689, weirdbar.com. 7 pm-4 am. $5. 21+.
White Eagle Saloon: The Parson Red Heads, Zoe Muth and The Lost High Rollers, The Lord's Own Choir
836 N Russell St., 282-6810, mcmenamins.com. Time TBA. $10. 21+.
Wilfs Restaurant: Tony Pacini Trio with Rebecca Kilgore
800 NW 6th Ave., 223-0070, wilfsrestaurant.com.
Wonder Ballroom: '80s Video Dance Attack with DK Kittyrox
128 NE Russell St., 284-8686, wonderballroom.com. 9 pm. 21+. $15 advance, $20 day of show.
The Woods: DJ Anjali and the Incredible Kid's New Year's Eve Dance Party
6637 SE Milwaukie Ave., 890-0408, thewoodsportland.com. 9 pm. $12-$15. 21+.
The World Famous Kenton Club: Thee Headliners, Lana Rebel
2025 N Kilpatrick St., 285-3718, kentonclub.com.
W XYZ: The Real Mark Alan, DJ Dub C
9920 NE Cascade Parkway, 200-5678, wxyzportland.com. 8 pm. 21+.
Late buffet of Italian bites. 2838 SE Belmont St., 235-4900, accantopdx.com. 10 pm. $10 includes a glass of prosecco. 21+.
Prix fixe menu of Peruvian holiday fare, with music by the Tracy Kim and Danny Romero trios. 1314 NW Glisan St., 228-9535, andinarestuarant.com. Seatings every half hour from 5:30-9:30 pm. $60-$185 depending on wine choices, call for details. Reservations required.
Avalon Hotel and Spa
Four-course dinner for two at Aquariva with two drinks, two dance party tickets and a room at the hotel. 0455 SW Hamilton Court, 802-5800, avalonhotelandspa.com. $245-$299. Reservations required.
Seven courses of meaty decadence, wine included. 5425 NE 30th Ave., 841-6968, beastpdx.com. 5 and 8:30 pm seatings. $175. Reservations required.
Four-course prix fixe menu featuring black-truffle brioche, lobster risotto, braised pork cheeks and panna cotta, plus sparkling wine. 3500 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 294-9764, bellyrestaurant.com. $65. Reservations required.
Eight courses of Japanese New Year's fare, including fried smelt, sashimi, grilled halibut and simmered duck. 215 SE 9th Ave., 239-8830, biwarestaurant.com. $55, $30 optional sake pairing. Vegetarian dinner by reservation only.
Four-course prix fixe with music. 626 SW Park Ave., 236-3036, brasserieportland.com. 6 pm seating with Shelly Rudolph and Chance Hayden $75; 9 pm seating with Richard Arnold and Rich Slade $100.
A four-course prix fixe dinner of New Year's dishes from all over East Asia. 525 SW Morrison St., 802-5370, departureportland.com. $50. Reservations required.
East India Co.
A 12-dish buffet of north and west Indian favorites like butter chicken and mutton curry. 821 SW 11th Ave., 227-8815, eastindiacopdx.com. 5-9 pm. $25. Kids 3 and under free.
The nouveaux French place with a great view offers five- and eight-course menus for both vegetarians and meat-eaters. 900 NW 11th Ave., 525-2225, fenouilinthepearl.com. $65 for five courses, $85 for eight, with optional $25 and $40 wine pairings, respectively. Reservations required.
Seven-course prix fixe dinner. 2832 SE Belmont St., 238-1464, genoarestaurant.com. 9 pm. $80.
Six-course prix fixe menu featuring pineapple upside-down cake and foie gras, grilled lamb steak and motherfuckin' baked Alaska. 306 NW Broadway, 222-4458, giltclub.com. 9 pm-1 am. $60. Reservations required.
The Heathman Restaurant and Bar
Four courses including lobster bisque, quail stuffed with boudin blanc, dry-aged steak and chocolate blood-orange parfait. Music by the Shanghai Woolies. 1001 SW Broadway, 790-7752, heathmanrestaurantandbar.com. 6:30 pm-1:30 am. $135.
A three-course menu with a choice of six appetizers and five entrees. 3808 N Williams Ave., No. 127, 288-6200, lincolnpdx.com. $50. Reservations required.
A luxurious five-course tasting menu featuring caviar, lobsters, truffles and foie gras. Whoa. 1139 NW 11th Ave., 517-7778, metrovinopdx.com. $70, $50 vegetarians. Reservations required.
The first 100 customers to purchase a beverage at either Pix location after 11 pm get a free buffet of chocolate delights at midnight. 3901 N Williams Ave., 282-6539; 3402 SE Division St., 232-4407, pixpatisserie.com.
A four-course vegan menu of Italian classics, sans the animal products. Includes many gluten-free dishes. 1125 SE Division St., 754-5993, portobellopdx.com. 5:30-10 pm. $49.
A New Year's Eve crab feed, including two salads, chocolate cake and a whole Dungeness crab. 1403 SE Belmont St., 971-544-7136, roostpdx.com. 5:30-10 pm. $50. Reservations required.
Salty's on the Columbia
Three courses of seafood, with music by Mel Brown. 3839 NE Marine Drive, 288-4444, saltys.com. $45-$80 depending on entree choice. Reservations required.
Simpatica Dining Hall
Five courses, including foie gras, lobster salad, black truffle gnocchi and beef tenderloin. 828 SE Ash St., 235-1600, simpaticacatering.com. Beginning at 7:30 pm. $75. Reservations required.
A meal of two savory crêpes, salad and pistachio torte, accompanied by Buster Keaton movies. 2921 NE Alberta St., 473-8657, suzettepdx.com. 6 pm. $20. All ages.
Teardrop Cocktail Lounge
Five-course menu featuring lobster bisque, pork terrine, beet ravioli, venison osso buco and chocolate souffle with cocktail pairings. 1015 NW Everett St., 445-8109, teardroplounge.com. 5:30 pm seating. $100. 21+.
Five courses of sashimi, etc. 5411 NE 30th Ave., 450-0893, yakuzalounge.com. $50. Reservations required.
"The most beautiful and glamorous female impersonators in the Pacific Northwest." 208 NW 3rd Ave., 222-5338, darcellexv.com. 7:30 pm dinner, 9 pm show. $45-$65. 21+.