The premise behind Portland Organic Wrestling is as basic as it is death-defying:
Stage a monthly event modeled after pro wrestling in the bowels of one the West Coast's premier underground rock clubs. Do not use a ring. Do not use a script. Do not use real wrestlers (well, do not rely on real wrestlers).
Just take a bunch of screwed-up scene musicians and a few bar employees, and give them the opportunity to live out their bizarre interpretations of traditional pro-rasslin' theatrics. Just let them GO AT IT. End result? Portland's most volatile combination of violence and absurdity since the late-'80s height of the Skinhead Crisis.
This Fourth of July, POW stages its most explosive fight show yet, The Star-Spangled Spanking. The back-alley Satco-bred fighters are primed to tear it up, both on the mic and on the ice-and-beer-slick floor, to prove that their style of hand-to-hand combat is for real. For the Main Event, reigning champion Seantos will put the belt on the line as he takes on three challengers at the same time.
Who are these masters of mayhem? Fight fans, let's find out.
Seantos and His Seantourage: Consummate Showman
Height: 5 feet 10 inches
Weight: 205 pounds
Armed with an arsenal of cold PBR and beautiful women, the current POW Champion is a man with vision. "I'm here to save the world of entertainment," says Seantos. "I don't know anybody who's done A Dating Story, who's been in The Hunted, who has married two people, who has his own band, plays sax in two other rock units--I don't know anybody who does as much for Portland entertainment as me."
Favorite Move: Victory
Motto: "If you know, you're a pro. If you're not sure, you're an amateur. Just pickin' up a paycheck doesn't make you a pro."
At the Spanking: "It's gonna be a slam-down, knock-down, rock-and-roll party in the streets."
Doctor Daddy Dotcom: Post Modern Death Machine
Height: 6 feet 4 inches
Weight: 299 pounds "and holding"
Once an e-commerce millionaire-physician, Doctor Daddy lost both his fortune and his mind when his medical advice website crashed under the weight of too many "hits." A lifetime student of the savage art of combat, Doctor Daddy now brawls in POW with the bizarre intent of turning this fighting co-operative into an online wrestling promotion. "We don't need these people getting hurt," says Daddy. "What about the children? What kind of example is this for families?"
Favorite Move: Control-Alt-Delete
Motto: "Who's your Doctor? Who's your Daddy?"
At the Spanking: "I'm going to unveil something new: The Virus."
Harvey "The Hard Cock" Hellcat:
Hurts So Good
Height: 5 feet 10 inches
Weight: 160 pounds
POW's smiling sadist is living a dream. After years of watching Portland Wrestling on television, Harvey formed a childhood fantasy of one day becoming a really sleazy, out-of-control wrestler. Today, pleasure is the chief motivator behind the Hard Cock's androgynous assaults. "My whole thing," explains the Hard Cock, "is that I'm here to cop a feel. I can kiss 'em or kick 'em, I don't care."
Favorite Move: The Kiss or Kill
Motto: "I've been hurt."
At the Spanking: "I plan on sacrificing some flesh. I will get hurt, but I won't be easy."
Vinnie Cleanhands: The Anti-Booker
Height: 6 feet 1 inch
Weight: 180 pounds
True to his name, playboy-bartender Vinnie Cleanhands spends a lot of time washing up behind the Satyricon bar. When it comes to booking matches for POW, this man is strictly hands-off. Why ruin his manicure with that rotten mess? Vinnie just invites the combatants to the dance and lets the party unfold. With his lawyer at his side, Cleanhands makes sure his interests are well-protected.
Favorite Move: The Restraining Order
Motto: "Never turn down a wrestler."
At the Spanking: "I'm just gonna be there on the sidelines, with my lawyer, making sure everything's OK...."
Elvis the Destroyer: All Shook Up
Things had been just fine at Metal Night Wednesdays at the Satyricon, with sidewalk legend Elvis comfortably doling out his legendary "Spankings One and All." Then POW had to come along, bumping Elvis' gig with its pathetic fake wrestling. Elvis had to fight back. He had no choice. Elvis must destroy. With this drive to survive, Elvis has been one of the most formidable combatants in the POW non-ring. Look out. Street life stinks.
Favorite Move: Elvis does not rely on technique to win matches. Most foes submit after prolonged exposure to the Destroyer's overpowering scent.
Sly Rock Stone Jr.: Ladykiller, Manhunter
Height: 6 feet 1 inch
Weight: 220 pounds
Sly Rock Stone Jr. is out for blood. Ten years ago, Stone's father was killed in the Satyricon from chairshot to the head. Shortly thereafter, Stone was sent to prison for armed robbery and assault with a deadly weapon. With that sentence served, Stone is ready to heel out and dish up some "hard time" on POW as he begins the hunt for his father's murderer.
Favorite Move: "The dirtier the better."
Motto: "I'm what every man wants to be--and what every woman wants to be with."
At the Spanking: "Mayhem, brother. I promise mayhem."
Portland Organic Wrestling: The Star-Spangled Spanking
125 NW 6th Ave., 243-2380
10 pm Wednesday, July 4
For a glimpse of POW's fearsome Maidens of Metal, see Music listings, page 43.
Weapons of destruction used at past POW events have included ladders, chairs and tricycles.
Seantos says, "We play the music! We get the chicks! We do the drugs! And our wrestling is for real!"
Emcee Cat Daddy: Riot Talker
Height: 6 feet 2 inches
Weight: "A taut 180 pounds"
Emcee Cat Daddy grew up in Memphis, Tenn., where he witnessed classic wrestling spectacles like the mind-blowing Andy Kaufman/Jerry Lawler feud. Like a Mean Gene who actually gets over with the chicks, Daddy rips his sarcastic patter out of Lance "Banana Nose" Russle's notebook while making like a bandit in Issac Hayes' wardrobe. This Cat Daddy is just so down.
Favorite Move: Flight
Motto: "Le'sssssssss WRESTLE!"
At the Spanking: "I'll be the cat calling the match. Expect less emphasis on the wrestling moves and more on the wild and crazy vulgar action going on about the show."