Why are boner pills so damn expensive? Even with my Kaiser insurance, it's $135 for eight of the little bastards. Can't our local meth cooks make this stuff?

—Going Broke in Camas

One of the differences between me and Oscar Wilde—aside from my noticeably firmer buttocks—is that Oscar Wilde probably didn't have voices in the back of his head that were continually composing horribly obscene lyrics to the tunes of popular songs.

It's hard to be urbane and sophisticated when your internal monologue is merrily reimagining "Under the Boardwalk" as a paean to the taint called "Under the Butthole," obliging your conscious mind to waste bandwidth scrambling for a rhyme for "perineum" before the bridge comes round again. (It turns out to be "can't wait to see 'em," but, even so, Lady Windermere's Fan it ain't.)

Given this unfortunate circumstance, Broke, I reach for your letter in genuine hopes of raising the level of discourse.

You will probably not be surprised to learn that the high cost of Viagra is not due to its being made from solid gold or gnome wieners, but because, as holder of the U.S. patent monopoly, Pfizer gets to charge what it wants.

But that's not true worldwide. Generic versions of sildenafil are available in both Brazil and India, for example. This circumstance has led many adventurous tumescence enthusiasts to take their chances with sketchy international online pharmacies, where you can buy this drug (and many others) for a few bucks a dose.

Is this safe, legal and reliable? Not even close—but it's probably better than commissioning your friendly neighborhood meth cook to whip something up on your behalf. Failing that, you could just become a Pfizer exec and get your boners the way they do—by screwing the customers. Ba-dum-BUMP!

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