Has there always been a wealth of fat chicks in Portland? I used to brag about how cute (cute, not gorgeous) our women are, but lately I've seen a lot of boombalattys. What gives?

—Free Willy

Gosh, Will, it's hard to imagine how a charmer like you could be having so much trouble meeting the girl of his dreams. Still, science is science—if we disqualified questions based on douchebaggery, Isaac Newton never would have discovered hair gel.

For your answer, let us turn to that esteemed scientific journal, Men's Fitness magazine. Men's Fitness appears to be an actual magazine about fitness, and as such should not be confused with Men's Health, which is almost entirely about boners.* (I'll never forget an archetypal MH cover story from the '90s called "Have GREAT SEX, EVERY DAY, Until You DIE.")

Every few years, MF takes a break from referring to your stomach as your "core" to compile a list of the "Fittest and Fattest" cities in America. The most recent "fittest" list, from 2012, featured—brace yourself—Portland at No. 1.

If, like me, you're currently sitting in a comfy chair with a bag of Kettle chips within arm's reach, having recently licked the last few drops of a Trader Joe's enchilada directly from the cardboard tray with your tongue, you may find this a bit hard to believe. It's true, though—and the previous such list had Portland at No. 6, so, if anything, we're getting slimmer.

I'm not saying your eyes are deceiving you, Will. But I do suggest you count your blessings, because compared with the rest of the nation's talent, Portland gals are lean, toned hotties. If that doesn't work for you, though, you could always move to North Korea—I hear the girls there are quite svelte.

*Much like my column.

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