Festivals are a drain—not just physically, but mentally too. As if wading through a sea of tweens in feathered headdresses for four days wasn’t exhausting enough, the performance schedule often forces agonizing decisions. Sasquatch is no exception. With 127 acts spread across four days and five stages, attendees are going to face some brutal conflicts. Don’t worry, though: We’re here to help.


Reignwolf (5-5:45 pm, Sasquatch Stage) vs. Red Fang (5-5:45 pm, Yeti Stage) 

Two bands of the Canus hard rockus genus, from Seattle and Portland, respectively, pitted against each other at the exact same time. It's almost like the organizers want a riot to break out.

Resolution: Red Fang. You're from Portland, aren't you? Show some civic pride! 


Andrew Bird (5:55-6:55 pm, Sasquatch Stage) vs. Nick Offerman (6:10-6:55 pm, El Chupacabra Stage)

One writes whimsical songs adorned with violin and whistled melodies. The other is Ron fucking Swanson. This is a conflict?

Resolution: Nick Offerman. Comedy at Sasquatch usually dissolves into calming white noise for kids trying to dig their way out of a k-hole, but when you have a chance to absorb droplets of 'stache-sweat from television's manliest city employee, you take that opportunity.

Surfer Blood (9-10 pm, Yeti Stage) vs. The xx (9-10:15 pm, Sasquatch Stage) 

Technically, both bands have guitars, but they use them in diametrically opposed ways: the former to create tidal waves of hummable distortion, the latter for sonar blips in its murky, uber-minimalist R&B.

Resolution: Surfer Blood. With Sigur Rós getting noisier of late, the xx is now the drowsiest act on the main stage, and you'll want to be awake for Tame Impala at 10 pm. 


Danny Brown (3:15-4 pm, Sasquatch Stage) vs. DIIV (3:05-3:50 pm, Bigfoot Stage)

Recent onstage controversies will probably draw a crowd to Brown's set over the Brooklyn indie-rockers', but methinks the Detroit MC has learned to keep his pants tightly zipped. 

Resolution: DIIV. Anything can happen at a Danny Brown show, but you'd probably rather not be around to see it.

Elvis Costello (8:45-10 pm, Sasquatch Stage) vs. Earl Sweatshirt (8:15-9 pm, Bigfoot Stage) 

A battle of celebrated lyricists: Costello is the legacy act, Sweatshirt is Odd Future's great 19-year-old hope, but both are known for their sharp turns of a phrase. 

Resolution: Up to you—which stanza resonates more: "History repeats the old conceits/ The glib replies, the same defeats/ Keep your finger on important issues/ With crocodile tears and a pocketful of tissues" or "Shove a trumpet up her butt/ Play a song/ Invade a thong/ My dick is having guts for lunch"?


Azealia Banks (5:30-6:30 pm, Sasquatch Stage) vs. Death Grips (5:50-6:50 pm, Bigfoot State) vs. Toro Y Moi (6-7 pm, El Chupacabra Stage) vs. Menomena (6:05-7:05 pm, Yeti Stage)

A gauntlet of indie hype spread across the festival grounds, this is probably the most punishing stretch of the weekend. 

Resolution: You can totally do this. Watch 20 minutes of Banks' stylish, high-energy hip-hop, then rush to catch 10 minutes of Death Grips' feral noise-rap. Jog to the dance tent and groove to Toro Y Moi's post-chillwave funk for five minutes, before taking in the askew pop of Portland's own Menomena. Then go back to your tent and collapse from heat exhaustion.

The Postal Service (10-11:30 pm, Sasquatch Stage) vs. Rusko (10-11:30 pm, Bigfoot Stage)

Ben Gibbard's electro-emo two-piece soundtracked nervous make-out sessions for college students in the mid-aughts, while the English dubstep producer inspires dance-floor heavy petting for high-school seniors a decade later.

Resolution: If you're older than 32, you should probably just get a jump on traffic. 

SEE IT: Sasquatch is at the Gorge Amphitheater, 754 Silica Road in Quincy, Wash., on Friday-Monday, May 24-27. Sold out. sasquatchfestival.com.