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June 5th, 2013 WW Staff | Culture Features
 

Troll Ride 2013

Come along as culture staffers revisit controversial stories from the past year.

cultfeat1(trollride_katieturner)_3931ILLUSTRATION: Katie Turner
     
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Pedalpalooza is Portland’s greatest celebration of bike culture. Starting June 6 and continuing through the rest of the month, cyclists will get together to make new friends while taking costumed rides that celebrate old video games, frolf and the much-beloved Idaho stop.

Willamette Week’s bike-loving culture section wanted to participate by staging our own ride—but all the wholesome, cute ideas had already been taken. So, instead, we’re leading a public ride to the scenes of some of our most controversial stories of the past year. We will be cycling to the scenes of the squabbles, and we’re inviting along all the people who wrote mean things about us on the Internet in response to opinions they do not share. 

The ride will start and end on the East Bank Esplanade, near the Vera Katz statue under the Hawthorne Bridge. After the last stop, we’ll stop back under the bridge to deposit our trolls. (Yes, we’re actually doing this.)


LEG 1

The “pace car” on the first leg of the ride will be music editor and novice cyclist Matthew Singer, who you may remember from the surprisingly controversial story he wrote about trading his car for a bike for one week. We’ll ride along the Eastbank Esplanade, stopping to look up at the Rose Garden, site of what the longtime Lakers fan and native Southern Californian called “the biggest Blazers game since ’77”—an otherwise meaningless April contest in which Blazers tried and failed to knock the Lakers out of the playoff picture.

We’re excited to meet...

Dan America: “It was akin to reading a 6th-grader’s story of My Week at Summer Camp, only that the camp story would have had a lot more details to it and probably a lot more exciting. Seriously dude, you didn’t have ANY more details or sights or conversations or ANYTHING better than this to write about or contribute to the article??”

kaptinqwin: “Move back to So Cal you fucking douche bag. Love, Everyone in Portland.”


LEG 2

From there, we’ll cross the Steel Bridge into the Pearl District, where we’ll stop for a drink at Streetcar Bistro & Taproom, which stage editor Rebecca Jacobson said “recalls an airport bar—the sort of a place you visit out of convenience, boredom and the indiscrimination born of exhaustion.”

We’re excited to meet...

Deneb Catalan: “This review lacks personality and riddled with pretentiousness. The choice of words and phrasing, sadly, have an undertone of tragity one might see in either a suicide note or just a common Yelp’r adding their two cents. See? Feels kinda crappy to read that right? And I don’t know anything about YOU!”


LEG 3

After a refreshing IPA at Streetcar Bistro & Taproom—and culture editor Martin Cizmar will definitely be drinking an IPA—we’ll ride up Northwest Overton Street to beloved ice cream shop Salt & Straw, which Cizmar panned in a review dubbed “career suicide” by another WW staffer. If the line isn’t way too long, we hope to enjoy a scoop of ice cream made with arugula, IPA and goat blood.

We’re excited to meet...

Pendy Sixteen: “Lighten up, Cizmar. That came off as just about the pissiest review I’ve ever read. My daughter loves the place, and enjoys the ice cream. They’re a friendly establishment that serves a quality product with great care. Go yell at the kids to get off your lawn.”


LEG 4

From there, we’ll ride back to the east side, crossing the Hawthorne Bridge toward Helium Comedy Club, where intern Brandon Widder attempted to perform at a standup comedy open-mic night in April. Everyone on the ride will help “stack the deck” by putting their name on the list, with the understanding that if any of us is called, Brandon will take our slot and perform.

We’re excited to meet...

Stephanie: “Hey newbie: Your whole stacking the deck idea at Helium is a dick move. We all have to take our turns getting up there, and you are an asshole for doing that. I’m glad you didn’t get rewarded for such dick behavior. You’re not going to make any friends in the scene acting like that.” 


RIDE: Willamette Week’s 2013 Troll Ride will begin at 6 pm on Tuesday, June 11. Meet at the Vera Katz statue on the Eastbank Esplanade. No costumes required. For more Pedalpalooza rides, go to shift2bikes.org. Yes, we’re actually doing this.

 
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