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June 12th, 2013 MARTY SMITH | Dr. Know
 

Dr. Know: Man's Best Temp

drknowILLUSTRATION: Hawk Krall

They’ve taken down the “Temporary Dog Play Area” signs at Northwest 12th Avenue and Overton Street. Now where do I take my temporary dog to play? She’s not much of a dog, but she’s all I’ve got. I was even thinking of making her full time—but now, who knows?

—Mr. Wilson

I’m sorry, were you saying something? I was just at the bar hoping to outwit some cute girls, until I realized that trying to get laid using your intellect is like trying to do your taxes using your penis.

I also realized that the white-powdered cheese at the bottom of the Smartfood Popcorn bag is like cocaine for fat people, and then after that I had to lie down for a minute. But now I’m totally ready to answer your question!

I’ll put aside your literal-minded misreading of the sign in question (although it’s exactly this kind of thinking that got me a $250 ticket in Wanker’s Corner) and play it straight: The play area you describe was designed to address dog-romping needs that have since been filled by the Fields Park, which just opened next door.

“Now your temporary dog, plus all other breeds, can enjoy 8,000 square feet at the Fields Park,” says the Parks Bureau’s Mark Ross, who probably hoped this column wouldn’t include cocaine and penises. “[The off-leash area] drains well and won’t be muddy or gross even during our long winter.”

As for your dog, I recommend putting her on salary, which is a great way to get full-time work out of somebody for part-time money. Plus, you can tell her it’s a big honor, and she’ll believe you because dogs are stupid. (Of course, you’re still the one standing there with a handful of warm poo, but I guess it takes all kinds.)


Questions? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com.
 
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